…are you fucking kidding me.
I was about to say that I wanted to be a part of my child’s life. And now, I didn’t even know if there was going to be a child or children. What a world of difference that was, but more than that, what a fucking betrayal of trust. I was feeling my temper rise. I was fucking infuriated.
“How dare you,” I said, my voice low but cold and in control. “You knew what the terms of the deal were.”
“Burke, I know, but I didn’t want to take any risks—”
“You should have asked for that in the arrangement,” I said. Fuck, why the hell had I ever agreed to this?
“Burke—”
“No, fuck this, that was not the deal, do whatever the fuck—”
“Burke!”
She yelled. Neighbors surely heard us. I surely didn’t give a fuck. But I did give a fuck about Emily, even with what she’d done, and so I shut up for the moment.
“It’s highly unlikely both will take. I’ll be lucky with everything considered just to have one take. And why are you so angry, anyway? You have nothing to do with the kids anyway. You’re signing away your parental rights.”
“I’m pissed off because you violated…our terms!”
My hesitation came because I knew that wasn’t the real answer. The real answer…the real fucking answer…
Was I liked her, and I couldn’t bear the thought of anything getting between us.
That…
No.
That couldn’t possibly be it.
But a part of me swore…
“We never signed anything,” Emily said, but her words sounded so distant, so far removed. She was right, but her words barely mattered. Nothing mattered except trying to make sense of what the fuck had just popped to mind.
“Fuck it!” I yelled, standing up. “You do whatever the hell you want. I’m out!”
With that, I left the room, feeling even dumber than I had when I’d left without signing anything. Emily yelled out for me, at first in anger, and then in sadness. But it didn’t even have anything to do with her, not at this point.
My head was spinning. I realized I’d blocked off so much of me from myself to do my life’s work. It had worked just fine for the previous several years, but now, with my feelings for Emily bursting through that self-imposed dam, I realized just how much I’d hidden from myself.
And the worst part was, I couldn’t even stop thinking that way. I still had one more mission to do.
And so, I decided, until Snake was gone, I would devote all of my time and energy to him. I’d help subcontractors and Scott and Liam with intel and scouting. When I finished the mission, I knew I’d have a hell of a time facing myself and my own nightmares.
But that didn’t matter. Kill Snake.
And then I could live my life.
I just wasn’t sure which was more frightening and more dangerous.
Chapter 15: Emily
One Week Later
Burke’s departure had made no sense to me.
I could see there was something he wasn’t saying to me. But at the end of the day, if he wasn’t going to say anything, I couldn’t help it. It pained me to say, but I let go of him as much as I could.
Which was to say, in the moment, I felt like I’d released him entirely, but knowing myself, I knew that didn’t really mean he was gone from my mind forever.
But I had something much more important and exciting to be considering.
My pregnancy test.
It was sort of darkly funny how, every time I felt like I’d reached the point where my mind could finally settle, the complete opposite happened. I thought that getting Burke’s sperm would put me at ease…nope. I thought a successful implantation would put me at ease…negative. Now, I thought a pregnancy test would make me feel comfortable.
Would it, though?
Honestly, I figured it would, but I was smart enough to recognize a pattern here. I knew I had to figure out a way to take care of myself.
But for right now, I was willing to let an external indicator hopefully finally be the thing to put me at ease, if for no other reason than this was the moment I had been building toward for months now.
I peed on the stick, gave it a few seconds, and then…I walked away from it. I went outside and took a breath. I was feeling so excited, I was verging on sheer panic. The possibilities that awaited here, the future that I’d suddenly found myself craving…it could all become a reality right here.
That was exciting. But it was also incredibly overwhelming. You’re gonna find out sooner or later. Go check it out.
And so check it out I did. I headed to the bathroom, found the test, and pulled it close.
It was positive.
It was positive!
Holy shit!
I didn’t care if the odds were ninety-nine percent beforehand that I’d get pregnant. This still felt like a damn miracle. Against all odds, against my life situation…I’d done it. I had gotten pregnant.
Pregnant!
With shaking hands, I called my doctor to schedule an ultrasound. My voice was giddy and rushed when I spoke, and I felt elated with even the most mundane of steps. Maybe it was ridiculous and a bit overkill, but I didn’t care. Even things like thinking about lying on the bed and looking at the monitor thrilled me.
And I’d do them all alone.
I still smiled as I talked to the doctor. I still felt joy. But yeah, there was that lingering sadness to be had. He hated my guts now, as evidenced by how poorly that last visit had gone. It had been so good to see him, and yet the meeting could not have gone any more poorly if we had
