The police won't even go in there any more.
WOODLY
I wish Paul luck.
PENELOPE
It's suicide!
WOODLY
I'd be dead by now if that were the case.
PENELOPE
Meaning?
WOODLY
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Every night, Penelope, for the past two years, I've made it a point to walk through the park at midnight.
PENELOPE
Why would you do that?
WOODLY
To show myself how brave I am. The issue's in doubt, you know--since I'm always for peace-PENELOPE I'm amazed.
WOODLY
Me, too. I know something not even the police know--what's in the park at midnight. Nothing. Or, when I'm in there, there's me in there. Fear and nobody and me.
PENELOPE
And maybe Paul. What about the murderers? They're in there!
WOODLY
They didn't murder me.
PENELOPE
Paul's only twelve years old.
WOODLY
He can make the sound of human footsteps--which is a terrifying sound.
PENELOPE
We've got to rescue him.
WOODLY
If he is in the park, luck is all that can save him now, and there's plenty of that.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PENELOPE
He's not your son.
WOODLY
No. But he's going to be. If he is in the park and he comes out safely on the other side, I can say to him, "You and I are the only men with balls enough to walk through the park at midnight." (pause)
On that we can build.
PENELOPE
It's a jungle out there.
WOODLY
That's been said before.
PENELOPE
He'd go to a movie. I think that's what he'd do. If I were sure he was in a movie, I could stop worrying. We could have him paged. Lion doorbell roars.
WOODLY
I hate that thing.
He opens the door, admits SHUTTLE, who carries a bakery box.
PENELOPE
Did you see him?
SHUTTLE
Yeah.
PENELOPE
Is he all right?
SHUTTLE
Far as I know.
PENELOPE
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Is he coming home?
SHUTTLE
He ditched me. He started running, and I started running, then he lost me in the park.
PENELOPE
The park!
SHUTTLE
It's dark in there.
PENELOPE
And that's where he is!
SHUTTLE
I figure he ducked in one place and ducked out another.
PENELOPE
(disgusted with him) You figure!
SHUTTLE
Then I saw this bakery store that was still open, so I bought a birthday cake.
PENELOPE
A what?
SHUTTLE
For Harold. When Paul comes home, we can have some birthday cake.
PENELOPE
How nice.
SHUTTLE
They had this cake somebody else hadn't picked up. It says, "Happy Birthday, Somebody Else."
WOODLY
"Happy Birthday, Wanda June!" file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (25 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
SHUTTLE
We can take off the "Wanda June" with a butter knife.
PENELOPE
Did you talk to Paul?
SHUTTLE
Before he started to run. He said his father carried a key to this apartment around his neck--and someday we'd all hear the sound of that key in the door.
PENELOPE
We've got to find him.
(preparing to exit through front door) I want you to show me exactly where you saw him last.
(to WOODLY)
And you stay here, Norbert, in case he comes home.
(to SHUTTLE)
That's all he said--the thing about the key?
SHUTTLE
He said one other thing. It wasn't very nice.
PENELOPE
What was it?
SHUTTLE
He told me to take a flying fuck at the moon.
Blackout.
SCENE THREE
DARKNESS. Lights come up on living room. WOODLY is alone, asleep on the couch.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD lets himself and LOOSELEAF in through the front door--quietly. HAROLD has a full beard and a paunch. LOOSELEAF is skinnier. He has a handlebar moustache. Both wear new sports clothes and smoke expensive cigars. HAROLD is calm. LOOSELEAF is nervous, confused. They prowl the room cautiously, checking this and that. HAROLD awakens WOODLY by playing with his feet.
WOODLY
(startled)
Ooops.
HAROLD
(to LOOSELEAF, very amused) Ooops.
WOODLY
Can I--uh--help you gentlemen?
HAROLD
(moving downstage, feeling at home)
Gentlemen--that's nice.
WOODLY
(to LOOSELEAF)
You startled me.
LOOSELEAF
Yeah. We just got here.
WOODLY
I thought you might be burglars-but you're not, I hope.
LOOSELEAF
Nope.
(idiotically,
incapable of deception) I got a lot of stuff.
WOODLY
(looking at him closely) You do?
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD
The door ws unlocked. Is it always unlocked?
WOODLY
It's always locked.
HAROLD
But here you are inside, aren't you?
WOODLY
You're--you're old friends of Harold Ryan?
HAROLD
We tried to be. We tried to be.
WOODLY
He's dead, you know.
HAROLD
Dead! Such a final word. Dead!
(to LOOSELEAF)
Did you hear that?
LOOSELEAF
Yup.
Telephone rings. WOODLY answers, keeping his eyes on the bizarre guests.
WOODLY
Hello? Oh--hello, Mother.
HAROLD
(to LOOSELEAF)
Hello, Mother.
WOODLY
...Who?... Did she say how far apart the pains were?... When was that?... Oh dear.
HAROLD
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Oh dear.
WOODLY
Call her back--tell her to head for the hospital. Tell the hospital to expect her. I'll leave right now. He hangs up, faces the intruders.
WOODLY
Look--I'm sorry--I have to go.
HAROLD
We'll miss you so.
WOODLY
Look--this isn't my apartment, and there isn't anybody else here. Mrs. Ryan won't be home for a while.
HAROLD
Oh, oh, oh--I thought it was your apartment. You seemed at home here.
WOODLY
I'm a neighbor. I have the apartment across the hall. I have to go to the hospital now. An emergency.
HAROLD is unstirred.
WOODLY
I mean--I can't leave you here. You'll have to go. I'll tell Mrs. Ryan you were here. You can come back later.
HAROLD
Ahh--then she's still alive.
WOODLY
She's fine. Please-HAROLD file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (29 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
And still Mrs. Harold Ryan?
WOODLY
Will you please go? An emergency!
HAROLD
She still has just the one child-the boy? He moves slowly toward the front door, with WOODLY trying to hustle him and LOOSELEAF out.
WOODLY
Yes! Yes! The boy! One boy!
HAROLD
(stopping)
And what, exactly, is your relationship to Mrs. Ryan?
WOODLY
Neighbor! Doctor! I live across the hall.
HAROLD
And you come into Mrs. Ryan's apartment as often as you please, looking into various health matters?
WOODLY
Yes! Please!
