HAROLD moves a little more, stops again.
HAROLD
Just her neighbor and doctor? That's all?
WOODLY
(at the end of his patience, blurting) And her fiancé!
HAROLD
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (30 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
(delighted)
And her fiancé! How nice. I hope you'll be very happy--or is that what one says to the woman?
WOODLY
I've got to run!
He turns out the overhead light.
HAROLD
You wish the woman good luck, and you tell the man how fortunate he is. That's how it goes.
WOODLY
(holding open the
front door)
I've literally got to run!
HAROLD
I won't try to keep up with you. I'm not as fast on my feet as I once was.
All three exit. A moment later, HAROLD lets himself and LOOSELEAF in again with a key. He turns on the light again, roams the room, reacquainting himself with his beloved trophies. LOOSELEAF is jangled by the adventure. HAROLD chucks a lioness under her chin.
HAROLD
Miss me, baby?
LOOSELEAF
I dunno, boy.
HAROLD
Hm?
LOOSELEAF
It's a bitch.
HAROLD
(quietly)
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (31 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
A bitch.
LOOSELEAF
Didn't recognize you.
HAROLD
We've never met.
LOOSELEAF
I wonder who'll recognize us first? They'll wet their pants.
HAROLD
I hope the men do. I would rather the women didn't.
LOOSELEAF
I'm gonna wet my pants.
He laughs idiotically.
HAROLD
(looking around himself) Home, sweet home.
LOOSELEAF
One thing, anyway--at least Penelope didn't throw out all your crap. I bet Alice threw out all my crap after I'd been gone a week.
HAROLD
We'll see.
HAROLD, who wants to savor the early moments of his homecoming alone, now tries to get the very jumpy LOOSELEAF out of the apartment.
HAROLD
It appears that we're going to have to wait awhile for any more action here, Colonel. Why don't you run on home while the evening's young.
LOOSELEAF
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (32 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Home. Jesus.
(makes his hands tremble) I'm like this. Home!
HAROLD
Home is important to a man.
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me?
HAROLD
(absently)
No.
LOOSELEAF
How all the magazines show tits today.
HAROLD
Um.
LOOSELEAF
Used to be against the law, didn't it?
HAROLD
(fed up with LOOSELEAF) I suppose.
LOOSELEAF
(making no move to leave) Must have changed that law. Silence, while HAROLD attempts to be alone, even though LOOSELEAF is still present.
HAROLD
(thoughtfully hefting a broadsword,
admiring its balance and strength)
Home.
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me?
HAROLD does not respond.
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (33 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me?
HAROLD
(to himself)
Oh, shit.
LOOSELEAF
(finding enough
encouragement in this) How everybody says "fuck" and
"shit" all the time. I used to be scared shitless I'd say "fuck" or
"shit" in public, by accident. Now everybody says "fuck" and "shit,"
"fuck" and "shit" all the time. Something very big must have happened while we were out of the country.
HAROLD
(flatly)
Looseleaf--will you get the hell home?
LOOSELEAF
At least we found the diamonds.
HAROLD
At least!
LOOSELEAF
I'd really feel stupid if we didn't bring anything back home.
HAROLD
It's enough that you've brought yourself home!
LOOSELEAF
I wish you'd tell Alice that. And that Goddamn Mrs. Wheeler.
HAROLD
(hotly)
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (34 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Tell them yourself!
LOOSELEAF
You don't know my mother-in-law, boy.
HAROLD
After eight years in the jungle with you, I know Mrs. Wheeler better than I know anybody in the universe!
LOOSELEAF
I didn't tell you everything.
HAROLD
The time we were in a tree for fourteen days, you certainly tried to tell me everything about Mrs. Wheeler.
LOOSELEAF
I didn't even scratch the surface. You're lucky, boy. You come home, and nobody's here. When I go home, everybody's going to be there.
HAROLD
This room is full of ghosts.
LOOSELEAF
You're lucky, boy. My house is gonna be filled with people. HAROLD ignores this, attempts to savor the ghosts in the room.
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me?
HAROLD
Go home!
LOOSELEAF
Thank God we found the fucking diamonds!
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (35 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD
The hell with the diamonds!
LOOSELEAF
You were rich before. This is the first time I was ever rich.
HAROLD
Go home! Show them how rich you are for a change!
LOOSELEAF
Can I have the Cadillac?
HAROLD
Take the Cadillac and drive it off a cliff, for all I care.
LOOSELEAF
What'll you do for transportation?
HAROLD
I'll buy a hundred more Cadillacs. Go home!
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me about that Cadillac?
HAROLD
Go home!
LOOSELEAF
When I drive it, I feel like I'm in the middle of a great big wad of bubblegum. I don't hear anything, I don't feel anything. I figure somebody else is driving. It's a bitch.
HAROLD
Go home.
LOOSELEAF
I'm liable to find anything!
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (36 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD
That's the point! Walk in there and find whatever there is to find--before Alice can cover it up.
LOOSELEAF
I know, I know. I dunno. At least she's in the same house. Sure was spooky, looking in the window there, and there she was.
HAROLD
So long, Colonel.
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me?
HAROLD
(taking hold of
LOOSELEAF and
steering him to the front door)
Let's talk about it some other time.
LOOSELEAF
How short the skirts are.
HAROLD
(opening the door) Good night, Colonel. It's been beautiful.
LOOSELEAF
Something very important about sex must have happened while we were gone. HAROLD shoves him out of the apartment and shuts the door. HAROLD starts to roam the room again, but the lion doorbell roars.
HAROLD
(going to the door) Hell!
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (37 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD opens the door. LOOSELEAF comes in.
LOOSELEAF
You know what gets me? Those guys who went to the moon! To the moon, boy!
HAROLD
Leave me alone! After eight years of horrendously close association, the time has come to part! I crave solitude and time for reflection-and then a reunion in privacy with my own flesh and blood. You and I may not meet again for months!
LOOSELEAF
Months?
HAROLD
I'm certainly not going to come horning back into your life tomorrow, and I will not welcome your horning
