“And you feel like you’re ready for that? To be a mother?”
“In all the other areas of my life, sure. I’ve set myself up for success, but what has that left me with? Jack shit.”
She sat there, lost in her thoughts. I’d seen her like this many times over the years. Contemplating. Like she was on the verge of confession, wrestling with whether her words would add value or pressure.
“If you think you’re ready, why not just go for it?”
“Go for what?”
She scooted closer and smiled. “Have a baby.”
Have a baby. Like it was an add-on service you could select at the spa. Something you could throw in the grocery cart alongside your carton of eggs and jug of milk.
“It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just decide to have a baby.”
“Nowadays you can. There are all types of procedures. You can freeze your eggs. Explore insemination. Surrogacy. You can have a child right now, if that’s what you want. Like you said, you’re ready in all the other ways.”
“What are you saying? That I should just get pregnant on my own. Choose to become a single mother?” My voice lacked the calm tone Mom used. The idea seemed ludicrous. Yes, it was possible. Women took their fertility into their own hands, but that wasn’t what I wanted to do, was it?
“I’m more progressive than you think.” She chuckled, like this was some joke between us. “Several women in your position have decided they want a child and they aren’t willing to wait for a potential partner to show up. I’ve always believed if you want something in life you have every right to get it. Besides, I did it.”
“I could never handle raising a child on my own.”
“You wouldn’t be on your own. You’ve got a strong support system. That baby would be surrounded by love. Romance could always come, but at least you wouldn’t be sitting around waiting for it. You’re my daughter. I would never make the suggestion if I didn’t believe you could handle it.”
“I don’t know. I know women do this, but it’s different trying to think of myself making a decision like that. It’s scary.”
She looked down, rolling the words around in her head before sharing them aloud.
“Sometimes you have this idea in your head of what life should be. Call it a dream, a fantasy. It doesn’t work out. You find a new dream, but this time it’s not a fantasy. You make it your reality, and it’s like that other life you thought you wanted never existed. That’s how you live. It’s how we all live.”
That was the first time the idea of a child—beautiful baby Ava—started to become a reality. It would be another year before I went through with my decision. Countless doctor’s visits. Painful shots and medications that pushed me to the edge of giving up. Spending thousands of dollars I’d spent the latter half of my twenties trying to save. And limitless more moments of doubt, wondering if what I was doing was right at all. And in those moments, I’d turn to Mom. She’d remind me I was enough.
Now, even that memory is tarnished because the same woman who raised me, uplifted me, convinced me I was capable of being a mother myself… has done nothing but lie to me about her own experience. I used to feel empowered by Mom’s decision to raise me on her own. I didn’t realize she had to kidnap me and murder Bruce in order to get the life she always wanted.
27 EileenThen
Over the next month, every time I went to the center, I spoke with Amelia. I had a connection with her I never managed with Ms. Lang.
Amelia, for some reason, seemed to enjoy talking to me as much as I did her. Maybe it was because we had so much in common. Among other things, we enjoyed the same music and movies. We both liked horses, too, although I knew them only from pictures. In Amelia’s line of work you’re supposed to remain impartial, but I think she couldn’t help but feel a connection to me. I’d opened up with her in a way I hadn’t with anyone else. She understood how drastically my life had changed in recent months.
I was standing to leave after one of our sessions when she asked me to sit back down.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” she said, her face hard to read. “This will be our last session together.”
I failed to contain my disappointment. My body lurched to the edge of my seat. “I don’t understand. We’ve made such progress—”
“I promise it has nothing to do with you,” Amelia said, raising her hands. “I’m leaving the center for a while. I’ve been experiencing some medical issues.”
“I see.” My eyes fell on her stomach. I looked away, trying to choke down my emotions. I felt robbed.
“I’ll arrange for another counselor to take over your case.”
“I don’t want another counselor,” I said, defiantly. Amelia was the only person with whom I felt comfortable discussing my problems. “You’re the first person I’ve opened up to about any of this. You’re the only one who is making it better.”
“I’ll miss you too, Sarah. I’ve enjoyed our time together. You have so much potential waiting to be unlocked.”
“Then don’t just leave me!” I hadn’t meant to say the words out loud, but it’s exactly how I felt. First, Cliff left. Then, Jamie. Now Amelia was leaving too. “Maybe we could still find a way to stay in contact. Maybe we could meet up outside of the center?”
It was a weak suggestion, but I was desperate to find a way to keep Amelia in my life. She was one of the only people I trusted.
Amelia sighed, her eyes cutting to her office door. “I’m not really supposed to do this sort of thing. Can you keep a secret?”
“Yeah.”
I liked that Amelia
