“We own two horses. The stables are only a twenty-minute drive outside the city. If you want, you could join me this weekend.”
“Are you serious?”
“Very serious. I thought it might… I don’t know.” Amelia pursed her lips and exhaled, like she too was afraid of looking like a fool. That was how I always felt around her. “I understand if you are busy. I thought you might just like to look at them.”
“I’d love to, Amelia. Thank you.”
“Our little secret?”
“Our little secret.”
Amelia picked me up outside my apartment the following afternoon. Now that I was no longer working at Buster’s, I had no plans on the weekend. I was trying to stretch out what little money Cliff and I had saved before he died, at least until I was ready to find another job. I tried not to think about any of that as I rode further and further away from the city. I was just happy I had someone who wanted to spend the afternoon with me, and that that person was as perfect as Amelia.
The stables weren’t very crowded. Most people who could afford to buy a horse lacked the space and time required for upkeep, which is why owners hired someone else to look after them. Some of the owners, like Amelia, allowed their horses to be used for riding lessons.
The short walk from the car to the track left my sneakers covered in dirt. I’d worn some thick socks over my leggings, but even they were smattered in beige dust. Amelia was wearing slim pants tucked inside riding boots. She looked like she belonged in an equestrian magazine, and I felt a small tingle of envy.
“Are you riding?” I asked.
“Not today. It’s nice to visit, though. I thought you’d like to meet Daisy.”
Daisy was a black horse. Her coat was thick and shiny, like she had been varnished in ink. Horses are beautiful creatures, but it was my first time being around one up close. I was nervous.
“Don’t be afraid,” Amelia said, running a gloved hand across Daisy’s back. “They can sense that sort of thing.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled. My hand was bare, which allowed me to feel the straw-like fibers of Daisy’s coat. Coarser than I thought she’d be.
“She’s beautiful.”
“Yes, she is. Special too. Have you ever heard of equine-assisted therapy?”
I shook my head.
“Some people use these horses to help them grieve. Heal. It’s therapeutic. Like I told you, the horse can sense what you’re feeling. You can just leave it here on the track, and the horse will comfort you.”
For a second, I felt disappointment. I’d tricked myself into thinking Amelia invited me here because she actually liked me. I hadn’t thought it was an extension of our counseling sessions. She continued speaking.
“Daisy has helped me a lot over the years. Bruce bought her as a gift, not long after we got married. A year or so later, we started trying for a baby. And we tried. And we tried. Sometimes we’d find out we were pregnant, but then…”
She looked away, across the other side of the track, where a young girl was being helped on top of another horse. For several seconds, Amelia didn’t say anything. She kept rubbing Daisy’s back, transferring her grief to the horse, or however she put it. Leaving it on the track.
“When I find out I’m pregnant, I can never be truly happy. I’m so used to things not working out. All I can hope is this time it will be different. It’s the one thing in life I don’t have, really, and it’s what I want more than anything.”
Everything clicked. Why her paunch never grew any bigger, but stayed visible, like a continuous case of bloat that wouldn’t shrink. Why this woman, always smiling, had days where she looked like she might be on the verge of breaking. She had everything, yes, except the one thing she really wanted.
“I never knew, Amelia.”
Normally, Amelia was the one listening to my problems. In all the times I’d been around her, envied her for everything she had, I’d never considered her own struggles. I’d never seen her pain.
She looked down, rubbing a hand over her stomach. “We think this time it might work. That’s why I’m leaving the center. My doctor has suggested I stay off my feet as much as possible. It’s not necessarily how I’d envisioned my pregnancy playing out, but if bed rest gets me a healthy baby, hell, I’d do anything for that.” Her eyes filled with tears. “So, when I talk to you about options, I want you to understand you can’t ever be sure what life will give you. Cliff dying. My infertility. None of that is under our control. That’s why it’s important to handle what we can, make deliberate decisions. Life is hard enough without all the chaos.”
We stayed at the track for hours. Amelia told me more than she ever had about herself, and I opened up, too. We’d shed the roles of counselor and patient; we were just two women, sharing our greatest fears and grandest desires. Amelia and I differed at almost every turn, but we each wanted the same thing out of life: a real family. The more time I spent with her, the more it felt possible.
Once again, I felt like I’d found some type of acceptance. Amelia was there for me, filling in the absence left by Cliff and Jamie. Selfishly, I feared Amelia’s responsibilities would eventually outweigh the bond we had formed, and I’d be left alone all over again. Things always worked out for people like Amelia Parker. Eventually, she would get the family she’d always desired, and I’d be left with… nothing.
As I went to bed that night, all sorts of ideas went through my mind. Daisy the
