December 3, 2020
I remember sobbing until I finally gave way to sleep, laying on my friend’s bed while Paige played with her daughter.
I remember thinking I had to pull myself together because I had to take care of Paige. But I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. The grief I felt then was so overwhelming I thought it would drown me. And I almost wanted it to. I wanted to not feel what I was feeling.
Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Resentment. Fear. Inadequate.
I don't remember how I told my family. Still, don't remember. But my sister Dottie and her husband Paul were my pillars of strength. She loved me through it. Encouraged me, pushed me to get up and move. Along with my friend I was staying with.
But I was still so incredibly sad.
We found an apartment and after a few weeks, I started thinking, I can do this. WE can do this. Me and Paige.
Years of being told I wasn't capable, no one would want me, I couldn't do it and yet, I was. Jerry had always controlled all the money so learning to navigate that was not easy, but I had a decent job and we ate cheap. He certainly didn't help with any money.
His California girlfriend had moved in with him by then and Paige and I were long forgotten while he was busy starting his new life with her. I blamed her for a long time because I couldn't accept the fact that Jerry was flawed. Jerry had made these choices.
I made some new friends, started feeling like I had hope again. I was able to go out and sing when Paige had friends over. But I still missed him.
How can you miss someone who's been so awful to you? Who's betrayed you and his child? Who's mistreated you in unimaginable ways?
And he still had a hold on me to some extent. When I would see him or he would call, my heart raced. I would later try to figure out if it was because I really loved him, or did I want to win? What was I winning though?
I let him walk all over me. He called; I went running. Angie giving him trouble, I was his go to when he needed someone to talk to. WTH was wrong with me?
The relationship didn't last long. She was there maybe 6 months before it was over and of course, he wanted to try to put us back together. And of course, I went bells and whistles and all.
My friend, Kenny (he had dated another friend of mine) warned me not to go, EVERYONE warned me, (kind of like when I got married to him) but I remember Kenny because he was a guy and my friend, and he understood other guys. I went anyway.
Chapter 18
Kenny
Kenny.
Kenny plays a GINORMOUS part in my life. He was kind to me, a friend to me. Wonderful with Paige.
When he and my friend he was dating didn't work out, Kenny remained in my life AS MY FRIEND. He never made me feel uncomfortable and he would take Paige and her friends to the water park and Frontier City (amusement park).
He made me believe that I was worth something.
And he didn't bail when I went back to Jerry. He became both of our friends (and friends with our other friends) and we would often hang out and grill together. Go out and sing at the local karaoke bar where I ran karaoke. (Jerry had pretty much made me give up music YEARS before, so karaoke was the closest thing I could get away with.)
Things with Jerry were different. I wanted so badly to believe he had changed and for the first couple of months home, things seemed to be going in a positive direction.
But I was always on guard. Always prepared for the next shoe to drop and rug to be pulled out from under me.
People at work noticed. They said I looked tired and unhappy. But I didn't see it.
I saw a woman desperately trying to salvage the only thing she had held onto since her mom died. That was ME. He was ALL I had. I simply HAD to make this work.
And just like that, I was back to being "that" wife.
Begging for money from him (after handing over my paycheck), explaining why I spent so much at the grocery store, promising to lose weight, doing all the cooking, cleaning. Calling all the bill collectors and making some excuse why we were late (including our landlord), making excuses to my family for things he controlled.
Sex was not enjoyable, but I so craved love from him that I made myself question why. There must be something wrong with me, right?
Jerry's porn addiction had made him think all women want things like he was seeing. When he'd try some of these things and I would say no, he would do it anyway, often holding me down, pulling my hair, pinching me hard enough to tear my skin, telling me, "Shut up bitch, you know you like it." I would lay there until it was over, and he would go to sleep then I would go soak in the bath and cry. Is this how it's supposed to be? Had I read too many romance novels and there was no fairy tale?
Did women REALLY like this and get pleasure from it? This would be the course of our sex life. Never intimate, seldom loving. Always forceful, angry, sex.
I craved intimacy and love, not this.
He made me feel like something was wrong with me. He would tell me maybe it was my weight that I couldn't find pleasure in these things. And I wondered if he was right. (Can you say gaslighting?)
As I sit and write this, I'm
