And he continued to love me, teaching me so many nuances about myself along the way. Reminding me I was worthy of being loved completely and fully and making me believe it for the first time in my adult life.
I knew that Kenny had nearly lost his nursing license years before I met him, and I knew that it was drug related. But I never asked because it wasn’t an issue, he had told me that it happened, and I didn’t feel the need to press the subject. He had been honest with me, that’s all I needed. I assumed he failed a marijuana screening. I knew that he liked it, and he knew I didn’t. Non-issue.
I had never seen him do anything other than have a drink socially or smoke pot with others on occasion. And he gave me no reason to question that. It was his past and everyone had a past. And mine was MUCH worse than his in my eyes.
We went to Arkansas for 4th of July 2003. He met all my family, and everyone loved him. We had so much fun swimming at my sister’s house and grilling out. He insisted we go buy fireworks. He LOVED fireworks. I bet we went to 15 stands that day and I know he spent several hundred dollars on fireworks. He made sure to buy enough to take home to his granddaughters too.
We went down to the riverbed with my niece and shot off nearly ALL the fireworks. There were some HUGE fireworks too. It was amazing. And for the first time a very long time, I felt like things were going to be okay. And I knew I loved him.
We drove home the next day, sunburned, relaxed, and content. When we got to my house, Kenny realized that he had left his house keys in Arkansas. I called my sister and niece (we had stayed with her) and they located the keys. A couple days later, he drove (by himself, he didn’t want me to go) and met my sister and brother in law at Webber’s Falls to get his keys. That was the first time I thought something was “off”.
I didn’t want to be “that” girlfriend and smother him either, so I let it go. But it bothered me. Why didn’t he want me to go? My old insecurities rearing their ugly head made me uneasy.
My birthday (August 3rd) was coming up and Kenny and I had made plans to spend it together. It happened to fall on a Sunday.
Saturday night he called me to say he hated to disappoint me, but he “needed” to spend the day with his grandkids. I know how much he adored those girls and his daughter too. Well, I’m not about to keep him from his family, so I told him I understood. (I lied.)
To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly. I was crushed. My heart broken and feeling like this person I had let in, didn’t really love me like he said. I would argue with myself for hours before finally concluding I was acting like a jealous, possessive, teenager and I needed to knock it off and allow him this time, even if it did fall on my birthday.
He had already given me a beautiful bottle of perfume I loved, which made me wonder if he planned it this way? And of course, in my PTSD mind, I was thinking, “Is there someone else?”
Sunday, I didn’t hear from him, which was unusual. I typically talked to him several times a day, so I called him and got his voicemail late in the afternoon. He didn’t call back. Really out of character.
Monday, same thing. Nothing. I was beginning to think that my suspicions were right and that this was his way of breaking things off.
I had talked to his daughter (Alicia) a few times on the phone, had met his mom, but didn’t want to sound crazy by calling them and asking if everything was okay. So, I just waited and wondered and with each passing hour, felt more and more like something was really wrong with us. But what?
There had been no arguments, no fights, nothing. What could have possibly upset him enough to just bail like this?
Tuesday morning, I was at work at the City or Norman and Paige called me from the house. She said Alicia had called and needed to talk to me. Alicia had never called just to talk to me before, so immediately I thought he must’ve had a heart attack or something awful like that and that was why I hadn’t heard from him. I called her back from my work phone right then.
The words she told me could not have been more of shock.
She said, “I’m really sorry to tell you this at work, but they found my dad dead this morning.”
Chapter 22
Kenny’s Gone
Everything started spinning. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I don’t even remember if I said anything to her. There must be some mistake. I called my best friend Trish (she worked at the PD) and tried to tell her what had happened. I couldn’t talk because I couldn’t breathe. All she could hear was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing.
I remember her telling me I had to stop and breathe, that if I didn’t stop to breathe, she was going to send an ambulance over. I was finally able to get it out. “Kenny’s dead.”
I collapsed onto the floor in my boss’s office and told her, “I have to go.” “I have to go home.”
My coworkers offered to drive me, but I said “no.” (I should have let them) I don’t remember driving myself home. I don’t remember how Paige knew I was coming (I think Trish must have called her).
Paige and her
