I blanch at this, because I’m not conservative in my views, just like her. “You’re sure you want to argue for pro-life and conservative financial stances? That’s going to be a little difficult.”
Blair shrugs. “If I want to go into this field, I want it to be with an open mind. So much of what is wrong with politics today is because there is no unity across the aisle. I want to try to change that.”
My opinions get the best of me, and I find myself pushing back on her even though I said I wouldn’t fight.
“You’re one person, Blair, you really think that’s going to work? We both think that gay people should have the right to be legally married, that those in need should be aided by the government, that healthcare should be universal. You want to seriously take on the policies of a party that we don’t agree with at all, just to … what? Prove how smart you are. Everyone already knows that.”
I don’t mean to sound condescending, but I do.
“Yeah, because my wanting to improve my view of the world has to do with shoving my intellect in other’s faces. You forget I’m not the one who cares so deeply about what others think of me,” she mutters, rolling her eyes.
This girl has a way of getting under my skin like no other. “We haven’t even opened our textbooks and you’re already firing bullets?”
“I learned from the best.” She throws me a shit-eating grin.
“Jesus, Blair, I came over here and wanted to … I don’t know. Have a nice time together. I thought—”
“You thought that just because you kissed me, and then cursed out Hailey, I was going to what? Forget the last two years?”
The decibel level is rising, and this is not what I wanted to happen at all.
“How the hell are we supposed to work together on a project? We can barely stand to be in the same room together!” I throw my hands up, exasperated.
“That’s because you’re a jackass with an ego the size of Texas,” she fires back.
“And you’re an insufferable know-it-all with some kind of chip on your shoulder. What the fuck is it, Blair? What the hell is your problem with me?” I’m so tired of dancing around the issue.
It’s been years of this, the back-and-forth, the power struggle. I just want to know, right now, what it is.
“You’ve been terrible to me for so long and I’m to blame?” Her voice is rising.
“Because you broke us! You fucking broke us! We wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t drowned our friendship and abandoned the fucking body at sea,” I snap back, referencing the night of the seven minutes in heaven debacle.
Blair whirls around, madder than I’ve ever seen her, and Jesus fuck, but I want to shut her up before she even rallies against me by crushing my mouth to hers. She’s so goddamn beautiful, and we’re alone in her bedroom, and …
I don’t though, because the next words that come out of her mouth stop my world turning. “You broke us first!”
The words crack in her throat; they seem as painful as choking on glass as I watch them explode from her mouth.
“You broke us first. You wrote all of those ugly things about me. A list, Sawyer? You needed a fucking list to tell you if it was okay to feel attracted to me? Imagine how that broke me? So yeah, I embarrassed you in a dumb game of seven minutes in heaven. But you destroyed me.”
The words she uttered the night of Hailey’s party come rushing back … you can date someone prettier than me. All of the blood in my body must drain to my feet, because I feel woozy and freezing cold.
Because in an instant, it all clicks into place. I know exactly what Blair is talking about.
The pros and cons list I drafted up all those summers ago.
But how the fuck did she know about that?
“You … you read that?” My voice has a note of disbelief.
Her cheeks go scarlet, and I know I’ve caught her. She must have been snooping. “You wrote it. You actually had to draft a list of reasons why it would be social suicide to date me. To have feelings for me.”
I stumble backward, transported back in time. I was a stupid fucking kid, just past the stage of puberty where I started to develop sexual feelings for a girl I always considered my family. I didn’t know what to do with those urges, and so I sat down and tried to convince myself, with that list, not to fuck our relationship up simply because I wanted to kiss her.
To know that this is the reason she hates me, that it’s been more than two years and she never spilled the beans? I feel so blindsided; I think I’ll have permanent dots on the outside of my vision. My gut is reeling, it feels like Blair has just sucker punched me there. So many pieces of the puzzle, so many questions I never had answers to, click into place. It feels like a Rubik’s cube I’ve finally solved.
But that doesn’t mean it gives me any feeling of satisfaction, or certainty. If anything, I feel even more off balance.
And betrayed.
“I didn’t break us, then. You did. You were going through my shit, and that was something you were never meant to find. What if I did that to you? Would that be fair?” My voice is getting angrier with every syllable, because this is all hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Blair’s face turns scarlet. “I-I … whatever, you still wrote it. You still put words to all of the reasons it wouldn’t be cool to be with me. You reduced me to nothing. You never … you never gave us a chance.”
Her voice is so small on
