“You’re in college, getting a degree, and you have a career plan. I’m not quite sure how that isn’t what they want.”
“But I don’t want to become a heart surgeon, or a family practice doctor, or an oncologist, or anything that my parents set aside for me.”
“And while those are all admirable and tough disciplines, they aren’t the only things that exist.”
“I know that. Yet it doesn’t make things easier when it comes to what my parents see for my future.”
“You can talk to me...”
There was something in his gaze that I couldn’t quite read. And I didn’t understand why I was having such trouble with it.
I would like to tell him...everything. And maybe that was the problem. Perhaps I liked him so much that I was ignoring everything else around me. I wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship or anything that would lead to marriage and babies and a life I didn’t even know I wanted. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t want that. It was more that I didn’t know who I would be next semester, let alone after. And if things got too serious, I didn’t care if I got hurt in the process. That’d be my fault.
But I refuse to hurt Dillon. And everything just hurt too much.
Or maybe I was burying myself in my drama and ignoring the fact that we hadn’t talked about where we were or how serious my feelings were toward him. I was having that meltdown I had so studiously ignored, and I needed to focus.
“You okay?” Dillon asked again.
I smiled brightly. “I’m just fine.”
He tilted his head. Stared at me. “You’re lying. I mean, if you’re not okay, you can tell me that. If I need to go, you can tell me that. I just wish you would talk to me.”
“Dillon...” I began.
He shook his head. “I know we didn’t go into this thinking we would be anything but a fun night together, but that changed a while ago, and we both know it.” He paused. “Maybe it changed a bit too fast.”
My heart raced, and I looked up at him. “What?” I asked, wondering how he could read my thoughts and why it hurt so much.
“I just... I need you to talk to me. I like the sound of your voice. I like listening to you. But you don’t talk.”
“Maybe I don’t want to,” I said, defending myself even though I knew this was my fault.
“And why don’t you?” he asked, his voice icy.
“Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to think, okay? I just need to write things down and think about it, and then I’ll be okay. But I can’t do that if you’re here because you always scramble my thoughts, and it’s hard for me to focus.”
He nodded tightly, his eyes going blank. “Fine. Breathe. I understand. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. You need to be ready, I guess.” And then he turned on his heel and left, surprising me.
I hadn’t meant to say what I did because I’d needed to understand what I felt about him first. And honestly, I’d needed to know what he felt about me. And yet, he had left so quickly. He was hurting. Hurting so much more than I had thought possible. And I didn’t know why.
But because I was selfish and self-indulgent, I didn’t ask. I was so worried about my problems that I didn’t even think about his.
He’d left the door open after he walked out, and I wondered why until I looked up and saw Mackenzie in the doorway. “I think I interrupted something,” she said, her eyes wide.
“I just…I think I fucked up,” I said and promptly burst into tears.
Mackenzie ran in, slamming the door behind her, and held me close as I sank to the floor. “It’s nothing you can’t fix. We’re one step away from being teenagers. We’re supposed to be moody. Our brain chemistry is still figuring itself out. It’s okay, just breathe. We’ll find a way to fix this.”
I sniffed and wiped my face. “I don’t know. I’m such a jerk. I can’t focus, and I know it’s not Dillon’s fault. It’s mine. It’s my parents’. But mostly mine. And I’m taking it out on him.”
“Because you trust him and know he can take it.”
“But that’s not fair to him. I screwed up.”
Mackenzie reached for the tissues, and I took the box, wiping my face with one as I pulled a few more out. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You’re right, you are, but we all are sometimes.”
“Really?” I asked, laughing.
“Of course. I’m an idiot all the time when it comes to Sanders. And we’ve known each other since forever. But we talk it out, and we figure things out. Sometimes, it takes a little bit longer than I would like, but we do. You and Dillon just need to talk. And even though they say it’s so easy to have open communication and talk to one another, it’s not. Finding that balance where you can open yourself up and know that you might be hurt but trust the other person not to hurt you? That is the bravest thing you can do. I know school is hard, and I know that you’ve been dealing with your parents, and even though I’m not your roommate, and we’re new to being friends, I understand. You just need to figure things out, and that’s fine. But maybe you should figure things out with Dillon. He’s a good guy. If you don’t know what you want, if you think it’s all too much, then tell him. But make sure that he knows that he’s important, too.”
“I screwed up,” I said, shaking my head.
“Maybe. But he left quite quickly, don’t you think?” she asked.
I narrowed my eyes. “How long were you standing outside the door?
“I realized I was supposed to meet the girls at the coffee
