I used to do that a lot when my mom was sick. I would go outside and concentrate on something that was bigger than me. The ocean didn’t care about me or my life or my inconsequential problems. It just continued to push forward, it slammed against the earth over and over as if nothing I did mattered at all.
I sat there for a long time, and every time one of them would pop into my mind, I tried to push them away. But Beck refused to let up. I concentrated on the sounds, I dug my toes into the sand, I sang “Without Me” by Halsey over and over in my head, but none of that could keep him from my thoughts.
The sun was gone by the time I finally sat up. There was nothing but the water, the moon, and me, and it reminded me how alone I was.
It didn’t matter how I felt or how Beck didn’t feel. Nothing in this life was permanent. Whatever did or didn’t happen with him was temporary. It all was.
I pushed off the sand to stand and turned back toward the house. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Beck sitting there, a good twenty feet behind me, and he was just watching me.
I hadn’t heard him or seen him, and I had no idea how long he had been there. He was sitting on a low wall at the edge of my property, and his hands were on his knees. His eyes, though, they were on me.
I felt awkward as I walked toward him. My hair was blowing around my face, my heart was racing, and my head was a mess. We hadn’t spoken since I left him last night, and I didn’t know what to say now.
Especially after talking with Lucas.
It made me feel off. He made me second-guess everything.
I stopped when I was still a handful of feet away from him. “What are you doing out here?”
“Looking for you.” He seemed distant, and I didn’t know if that was just in my head. “I tried to message you.”
My eyes flicked up to my house, then back to him. “I left my phone.”
He nodded and looked out toward the water. “Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Unless he meant because of what happened last night. I didn’t know why he would think I wasn’t okay unless he thought I regretted it. Unless he was regretting what we had done. “Last night was amazing.”
His gaze jumped back to mine, and I wanted to close the distance between us and force him to tell me what he was thinking. I wanted to kiss him senseless and drive all the thoughts racing through his head away. I wanted to chase them from mine.
“Josie, I…” He hesitated and ran his fingers through his hair. I didn’t. I pushed forward and bent until my face was level with his. I gave him the slightest moment to push me away before I pressed my lips against his in a desperate kiss.
His hands found my hips and he pulled me down against him until I was straddling his lap. I groaned at the contact and the memories that were still fresh on my mind, and I kissed him like I never wanted to let him go.
His arms wrapped around my back, and he felt just as desperate. His touch was brutal and bruising and filled with so much need.
“Stay with me tonight?” His words were muffled against my mouth.
“What?”
“Stay with me.” He pulled me back and looked me in the eyes. “Just for tonight. Just you and me.”
“Your parents.” There was no way I was just walking into his house and letting Mr. Clermont see me there. Not like this.
“They aren’t home.” His hand shook slightly against my back. “They won’t be back until late.”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head, but I wanted to. I wanted to be alone with him, where the rest of the world couldn’t touch us.
“No expectations. We don’t have to do anything. I just want you there.”
My heart felt like it was going to pump out of my chest. “Okay.”
He smiled up at me, the first smile I’d seen on his face since I first saw him out here, and he stood with me in his arms.
I laughed as I wrapped my legs around him. “I should go tell my dad something.”
“He won’t even notice you’re gone.” He was right, but the thought still wounded me a bit.
I wrapped my arms tighter around him as he carried me through the sand. He didn’t set me down until we pushed through his back gate. He kept my hand in his as we passed the pool, and I tried not to blush. The memories of the night before came flooding back, and I was about to spend an entire night with him.
I wouldn’t lie and say that thought didn’t make me nervous.
He said there were no expectations, but there were. With guys like Beck, there would always be expectations. His and mine.
And I was suddenly more scared of mine than his.
Tonight, I needed him to make everything Lucas had said disappear. I just needed to feel something more. Just for one night.
I wasn’t looking for a promise. I was just looking for something that only he could give me.
We pushed through the back door, leaving the cool air behind us, and it was mostly dark inside as he led me through. The house was so similar to my father’s but so different at the same time. It actually looked like someone lived here.
There were dozens of photos on the walls of Beck, Frankie, his father, and his mom. They looked happy. They looked like a family.
They looked so different from us.
He led me upstairs without a word before opening a door and flicking on a lamp. The large room
