“You’re perfect. I mean, you’re right on time—you’re perfectly on time. Okay, I’m babbling. Sorry.”
“I’m not complaining! Who complains when someone tells them they’re perfect? Not me!”
“Okay, Mr. Perfect. Let’s get a table.”
“Good deal.”
Kyle knew the maître d’ here as well, so the man greeted him by name and immediately ushered us to a nice quiet table for two.
“I definitely need to dine with you more often.”
“Good,” Kyle said. “Why is that?”
“People know you, and you get nice tables in restaurants.”
“True. Two points for my side.”
“Two? No! I think we’re way past two points.”
“What do you mean?” Kyle asked, apparently a bit confused.
“Kyle, your point total is presently somewhere in the hundreds, all earned two at a time.”
“Why?” Kyle asked.
“Why?”
“Yeah, why would you ever—?”
“Well, let’s see. Because you’re incredibly smart, pleasant to be around, have a smile that could melt steel, know a bunch about a lot of stuff, can talk about any topic, you’re super friendly, you’re gorgeous, have a body-by-God…. Sorry,” I added meekly. “Didn’t mean to say that last part aloud.”
“You think I have a nice body?”
“Well, duh! Yes!”
“Really?” Kyle asked in obvious disbelief, which only empowered me more.
“Earth to Kyle!” I said, waving my hands at the man. “Yes, you are gorgeous, man! You’re the man with the million-watt smile, the sheer memory of which was so bright it kept me awake reliving it half the night. Please don’t tell me that you’re one of those guys that doesn’t see himself as attractive when really he could stop traffic and have men licking the shadows he leaves behind on the sidewalk.”
Kyle said nothing but simply stared at me with his eyes wide open.
“Oh, crap, you are one of those guys!”
Looking down, Kyle said, “I’m sorry. I just don’t see myself in the way you describe me.”
Okay. Time to try the scientific approach and gather some data. “What do you see when you look at yourself?”
“I see an awkward, geeky, gangly man who’s way too tall to fit into society. I see a man who towers over everyone. Someone who is all arms and legs. I see someone who is a freak. Someone who scares kids. I see someone people see and walk away from so they don’t have to try to interact with me. I have weird ears—”
Before he could continue, though, I aggressively interrupted him. “Bullshit! That’s pure, unadulterated bullshit!” I practically shouted. “You are one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. And believe me, I’ve looked at a lot of men in my life. And let me tell you, you are good-looking from every angle I’ve tried so far… and I’ve probably just chased you away by telling you that I’ve checked you out, because you’re probably straight and can’t stand the idea of another man checking you out. I’m sorry. I don’t plan to jump you and hump your leg, so please don’t be mad at me.”
“Maybe I want you to hump my leg,” Kyle said quietly. “I just didn’t think you’d want to. Most guys just want to get me naked to see if I have a dick proportional to my height. I just haven’t even bothered to try to date for so long—I can’t remember the last decent date I had. That’s part of why I work twelve hours a day.”
“Okay. Well, I can see that I’ve arrived on the scene just in time to mount a rescue operation. I’m… I’ve been told that I can be a little pushy and opinionated at times—well, a lot of the time. And I’m about to be a lot pushy and opinionated with you. So prepare yourself.
“You are one smoking hot man. Period. I was knocked practically speechless the first time I looked into your eyes and saw you smile. Words escaped my mind, and I was terrified that I was just babbling incoherent things that would instantly send you fleeing from the crazy man. Listen to me! Are you listening? You took the power of speech away from me the first time we talked. And consider how much I’ve talked since then! You can see that I’m not exactly reserved! But you… you, my friend, so bowled me over that I could barely speak!
“You are smoking hot, with eyes that make me hard just looking at them, a smile that could warm the coldest heart. You are intelligent, a fantastic conversationalist, one of the most considerate men I’ve ever met.” I paused for a moment, looked down to collect my resolve, and then added, “And when you stripped in front of me in the locker room, you don’t know how close you came to having my lips attached to one of your gorgeous nipples. And when you came out of the shower dripping wet, you had a drop of water on the head of your penis—your absolutely perfect penis. The only way I could keep myself upright and not fall to my knees to worship you at that moment was by picturing a catastrophic multicar pileup on the freeway with blood and guts and gore everywhere. It you hadn’t pulled on your pants, I don’t think I could have kept myself respectable.”
Kyle simply sat across the table with his mouth hanging partly open in stunned disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Hell no!” I answered more loudly than I probably should have. Trying to lower my voice a little, I asked, “Do you know how many times I’ve had to masturbate in the last twenty-four hours because of the time we spent together yesterday?”
“Now I know you’re kidding with me.”
I stood from my seat and stepped closer to Kyle, raised my hand, and smacked him gently on the back of his head.
“Hey!” Kyle complained. “What was that for?”
“Clearly you needed it! Any man who thinks that you are not an Adonis, a deity from the far heavens who walks among us mere mortals, is insane! And you should know
