Kyle sat quietly for a moment, apparently contemplating what he had just heard from his dinner companion. “Wow!” was all he could come up with.
“That’s how I see it from here. Wow!”
Our conversation had kept us completely distracted to that point. For about the fourth time, our waiter approached again to inquire about our dinner selections. Without giving it much thought, we each asked for the daily special that the waiter had described at some point and then sent the man away.
And now that it was quiet with no hovering waiter, neither one of us seemed to know quite what to say to the other! Talk about bad timing. Not knowing what to talk about was something entirely new to us.
I broke the uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I really like you and promise to behave. I really do. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I don’t have lots of friends, and none as great as you seem, so please forgive my forwardness.”
Kyle considered me for a moment before asking, “What would it take to make you promise to misbehave?”
“Excuse me?” I said, confused.
“You said that you promise to behave. I just asked, what would I have to do to make you promise to misbehave?” And the man’s killer smile was back, this time accompanied by a look that could only be called lecherous.
I simply whimpered. “Um, when food comes, can we eat kind of fast and go back to my place or your place and fuck like rabid tree squirrels?”
“I’ve never seen a rabid tree squirrel. Do they hump a lot?”
“When a tree squirrel is in heat, they’ve got nuts the size of pumpkins between their legs. Their nuts are so big that they don’t climb trees because they can’t lift that much weight off the ground.”
“You’re making that up!”
“Of course! But only partly. Tree squirrels do grow gigantic nuts. I don’t know what triggers it or why, but they get huge! I feel sorry for the poor critters because their tiny brains must just be absolutely flooded with testosterone. They do climb trees even though they’re swinging kinda heavy. And once up the tree, they seem to hump just about anything, whether he or she wants it or not.”
“I want it,” Kyle said quietly.
“Let’s go,” I said, but again the gods of timing deserted me. It was just at that moment that our meals were delivered. “Okay. Let’s go in, say, five minutes. I want you so badly that I probably will make a fool of myself when I stand up. Everybody is going to see that I’m sporting some serious wood because of you.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No! I’m dying here, man. I’m with the man who could have substituted for Michelangelo’s David if David had been busy the day Michelangelo needed him. Every time you look at me, every time you lick your lips—those luscious lips. Every time you blink those freaking sexy eyelashes, every time you turn your head and your beautiful hair falls into your eyes and you move it back, my dick throbs a bit harder!”
“Damn, dude! Should you be under a psychiatrist’s care? It sounds like someone needs to medicate the crap out of you. Delusional, man.”
“Oh, shut up!” I said with a smile. “Eat your goddamned food so we can get out of here.”
“And go fuck like tree squirrels.”
“Rabid tree squirrels.”
“Sorry. Rabid tree squirrels. Question: how does rabid tree squirrel sex differ from regular tree squirrel sex?”
“In the frequency and the intensity.”
“You mean I might actually get laid tonight?”
“I think you can count on it. The only question is how many times.”
“Damn! You’ve almost got me believing your delusional rantings.”
I set my fork down and calmly said, “Do you know the people who run this place?”
“Yes. I’ve eaten here a lot over the last couple of years.”
“So would they be offended or upset if I shoved all the dishes off this table and mounted you here?”
Kyle’s eyes went super wide for a few seconds. “Yeah, they probably wouldn’t like that.” He paused. “That’s not to say that I wouldn’t like it.” Another brief pause. “So, my little squirrel, I’m a fairly big tree. You sure you can haul your swollen nuts all the way up to the top?”
“Just try to stop me. I’ll see you once I get up on top.”
“Promise me one thing,” Kyle asked.
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll be patient with me. I haven’t done a lot of dating—ever—and I’m probably not very good at it.”
“Okay. And we’ll fix that while we work on your self-esteem.”
“Okay.”
We both shoveled more food into our faces before calling for the check. I threw some money on the table, hoped it was enough, and said, “You! Come! Now!”
“Awfully sure of yourself, aren’t you?”
“On lots of things in life, not so much. On this, absolutely.”
We exited the restaurant, and Kyle asked a perfectly logical question. “Where do you live?”
“Five blocks that way,” I answered, pointing. “You?”
“Six blocks that way,” Kyle said, pointing the other direction. “Yours is closer. Let’s go there.”
I took off at a near run. “Think you can keep up with me, there, big boy?”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“I worry. If you don’t keep up with me, it means I’m gonna have to masturbate again, and I’d much prefer fucking you to masturbating. Like, a lot more.”
“Do you need some meds? I’m a doctor, after all. I can prescribe. We can get you started on something tonight.”
“The only thing I want to be on is you. Now pick up the pace!”
“Damn! You’re bossy when you’re horny.”
“Probably so. And since I’m a guy, that means I’m perpetually horny, so that may be why I’ve always been somewhat forceful in my opinions.”
Chapter 5
AT MY building, I used my key
