I had just bought a supply that should have at least lasted me through the week but I couldn’t find those beautiful pills anywhere. I dropped my head down into my hands, my muscles already shaking with the pain. I tried to calm myself down but all I could think about was stopping the pain. I scanned the room again with just my eyes, and for the first time since my eyes opened a smile crossed my face, there was the small bag lying in the corner. I don’t know how it got there, and I didn’t give a fuck either. I crawled on my hands and knees over to where it was and immediately pulled out three pills, I crushed them up on the cracked counter, arranged them into a semi neat line, and snorted every last particle up my nose.
“Alex!”
Laura’s voice screamed in my head. The agony and worry laced into her last sound. I would do anything to wipe that memory from my head. I just wanted to sleep. I paced my small space listening to the people at the bar below me laugh and talk, I wanted to walk up to every single one of them and just put a bullet in their heads. Fuck them and their happiness. Fuck everyone. I just wanted to fucking sleep. I went back for the bottle and finished the rest of the quart, the label said it was whiskey, I couldn’t tell by the taste. I popped two more pills just in case the previous three I had already shoved up my nose weren’t enough to knock me the hell out. I fell back on the bed and waited for the numbness to take over. Those few minutes between consciousness and sleep were always the hardest for me. It was like I had no purpose, nothing to do but be with my thoughts. It was those thoughts that rocked me to my very core.
“Alex!”
I heard Laura’s ghost scream again and the same scene replay over and over in my head. The moment her body hits the floor echoes in mind and my soul splinters every single fucking time.
“Stop!” I screamed at myself, rolling over to the wall and knocking the side of my head against the rotting concrete. The dull ache that was building up in my head from my self-inflicted skull bashing was taking some of the edge off but not enough. I hit my head harder against the wall. The sound of her screaming my name, was still there but now the pounding from the headache and the effects from the Oxy and liquor were starting to drown it out. When I felt my head begin to sway slightly, I knew the pills and the drink were starting to take effect, I flopped back over and let a smiling Laura lull me back to sleep.
*Bang, Bang, Bang*
My eyes popped open, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest with anticipation and without thinking my hand went to the floor where I left my Glock. I raised it toward the sound before I could fully wake up and focus on whatever the target was.
*Bang, Bang, Bang*
I let out a deep sigh, it was the fucking door. I flicked the safety on and got up to go see who in the shit had the nerve to be banging on my door. They must have a death wish.
I whipped the warped wood door open with all the force that I had and then promptly fell against the door frame, I was so fucking tired.
“What the fuck, Alex.” Devin looked me up and down, put one hand up to his face and took a step back.
I looked down at myself, I had clothes on. “What the fuck, what? I was sleeping.” I tried to pull myself up straight, but my legs wouldn’t hear that.
“Alex, when you came to me and asked to rent out the room above my bar, I didn’t know that it meant you needed it to rot to death in. Fuck man, you smell like you been rolling in pig shit. What the fuck did you do to your head?” He stepped forward a little and gestured to my head.
I raised my hand and sure enough I had a huge knot on the side of my head and what felt like dried blood. I guess I had hit my head harder than I thought I did.
“What the fuck, are you my mother now?” I moved back so he couldn’t touch me.
“No, I’m not your mother, I’m a friend. What the fuck is happening Alex? How long you planning on hiding out here? Where are the Wings? I know what happened to Laura…”
Just the mention of my souls name had me seeing red and ready to kill him, “No!” I roared out, grabbing him by the collar and slamming him against the wall. “Don’t you fucking say her name! Never! You don’t know shit! I’ll fucking kill you!”
Devin raised his hands to show me that he wasn’t a threat and I let him go, almost instantly doubling over in pain. My gut felt like it was ripping to shreds and being burned with acid. I needed to take the edge off, I needed to go back to sleep. I turned to go back into the small fucked up studio apartment that I had been staying in for god knows how long, I heard Devin walking behind me following me in. I fell to my knees and crawled back to the corner I left my stash of Oxy.
“What the fuck are you looking for Alex?” Devin said from somewhere behind me, I
