“Don’t.” I warned him. He didn’t understand.
Alex!
I closed my eyes tightly as Laura’s ghost started screaming in my head again, I couldn’t handle this, I need to get out of here. I need the drink.
“Listen, you fucking bum, go back to your box and get the fuck…”
He stopped speaking and began whimpering when I raised my gun toward his head.
“You have a fucking choice, either let me walk out of here with these bottles and get your money later, or have your goddamn brains splattered on the wall behind you and still I will walk out of here with them. Choose, motherfucker.” I growled out to him.
“Take it, take it man. I don’t want no trouble. Please, I have kids. Please. Take the money. Take whatever you want.”
I inhaled, I could smell urine, the fucker had pissed himself. I looked to the hand that had the Glock in it, the shake was evident. I was always a steady shot. I was always sure of what needed to be done, I only drew my weapon if I was prepared to shoot. I was prepared to kill this man over 6 bottles of whiskey.
I grabbed the bag and ran out of the store. I was sure that he had alerted the authorities already and I didn’t want to be around when they got there. I tucked the bag into my shirt and I ran. I ran until I had no more breath in my lungs, until my legs threatened to buckle with every step. I made it back to the bar and ran up the stairs to my small shitstorm of an apartment. I hadn’t heard any sirens but I couldn’t be sure.
I paced in circles. I looked at one of the bottles sticking out the bag, the plastic wrap around the top taunting me. I grabbed it and twisted the plastic off. I guzzled the dark liquid, the burn doing nothing to get rid of the dread in my head.
“Fuck!” I screamed loud with everything I had. I screamed again and again but nothing was working. I looked over to the Oxy still waiting for me on the table, but I needed more, I needed something stronger.
I fell to the ground. I cried, I begged, I prayed, but with every second that ticked by I could feel my soul splintering further. The pain in my body, ever present, was unbearable. I just wanted the pain to go away.
I was ready to kill a man for alcohol. I was so far gone that I was willing to take someone’s life for no reason at all. I was the president of a motorcycle club, the one the town came to when there was trouble. It was up to me to help those that needed help, fuck up who we needed to be fucked up, protect my brothers and my family. I was the one who made the decisions, I was the one everyone looked up to. Now there was a monster in our midst and I had done nothing to stop him, I lost my brothers, I lost my family, I lost my woman. I was so far under rock bottom that I was willing to kill someone for eighty dollars. Talk about falling far from grace.
I cried hard, “Fuck this, I can’t fucking do this. I can’t.” I closed my eyes and just like every other time, Laura’s petrified face met me in the dark. She was running towards me as that fuck Vilanuevas had his gun to my head. My home and club burning down all around her, my brothers littering the ground around her.
Alex!
“No!” I croaked out loud, as the moment her head snapped back and her light seeped out of her eyes, played out over and over again in my mind.
Over and over and over.
I have watched my life fall into shambles a million times over in my mind and nothing I tried, no amount of drink or drugs, ever took the pain away.
“Stop!” I hit my head against the wall behind me hard, trying to force the firing neurons in my brain to play a different memory. Snot poured out of my nose, my muscles clenched and shook from lack of food, booze and drugs, my heart beat hard against my chest and my throat was raw from screaming.
“Fuck!” I yelled and reached around to my back pulling my gun out and jamming the barrel to my temple. My hands shook and a cold sweat broke out all over my skin. My fingers wrapped around handle and my pointer finger placed just a bit of tension on the trigger.
I didn’t deserve to be here; it was my fault. It was my job to protect her. It was my job to protect my family, my job to protect my town and I failed them all. It should be me rotting in the ground, not my brothers, not my beautiful Laura. My Laura. I just wanted to touch her one more time. I wasn’t strong enough to do this.
I put a little more tension on the trigger, I could hear the gears and metal straining with pent up energy, a slight winding sound letting me know it was ready to deliver my absolution. It would be so simple and the pain would be gone. It would be over.
*Click, click, click*
“Aye papi...what are you doing to me?”
I sucked in a huge breath and dropped the gun from my head. Her sweet voice, my Laura. It bathed me in a soft balm, and just for that one second the pain was gone. I took in a few more deep breaths, I looked at my hand and the dangerous weapon that was taunting me with the promise of peace.
It was my fault; I didn’t deserve the peace.
I let the pain come back to me, I flicked the safety back on and pushed it away from me. I would suffer, even if it meant I would be suffering forever.
I fell to
