“Yes.” She nodded. “I think so.”
I didn’t say anything. The words I wanted to say were on the tip of my tongue, threatening to spill out. Once that happened there would be no return. I grunted quietly under my breath. Not quietly enough.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Why do you have to go on a stupid date with some stupid guy?” I shouted at her, unable to hold back my feelings. I hated her for doing this. I was sick of changes in my life that I had no control over.
“Calm down, Emily,” Mom said. “It was just dinner. One or two dates is harmless.”
“No it’s not! What about Dad? How could you do this to him!”
Silence filled the room. Uncomfortable silence. Mom bristled and gripped her hands on the stainless-steel kitchen sink, staring out through the laced-curtained window above it. I watched her, dressed in an old powder-blue bathrobe with a fraying left sleeve. She’d had that robe forever. As long as I could remember. She twisted a strand of material hanging below her wrist. She swirled around and returned my stare. For a long time.
“Look at what he did to me, Emily,” she said in a low voice. She always spoke in a low tone when she was really angry. Tears formed, but none fell. Her eyes, shiny and bright, continued to stare at me.
“He died,” I said flatly.
“He left me. Alone. With nothing but piles of bills and old memories,” Mom said, shaking her head. “No life insurance. Nothing. I told him over and over again we should have life insurance. But he wouldn’t get it. A waste of money, he said. That man could be so damn selfish!”
“He wasn’t selfish. He didn’t know he’d get sick.” I hated what she was saying about Dad. Like he’d planned on dying or something. He hadn’t wanted to die. He hadn’t planned on leaving us.
“I know. But he’s gone now. And I thought I’d die when I said goodbye to him. But I was wrong. I die a little bit every single day.”
“Why?” I’d never seen her like this. So angry and sad. I’d seen her angry. One time especially came to mind. Five years ago, Dad had come home towing a boat behind his truck. He’d paid three thousand dollars for it. A huge sum for my ears. Mom was livid. And the next day Dad tried to return the boat. But they wouldn’t take it back. We were stuck with a boat and out three thousand bucks.
And I’d seen her sad. Hunched over my father’s casket, unwilling to let go. Aunt Holly had to pull her away. Tears wreaked havoc on her eye makeup. Black streaks had run down her face as the tears flowed freely.
Mom walked over to me and sat on the sofa. She studied my face for a moment. Her voice was slightly softer. “I know you miss your old life. I know you miss Dad. I do, too.” Her voice wavered. “So much. This is no way to live.” She gestured with her hands. “Living in this dump. Working every day like a dog. It’s depressing. I hate it. But it’s what I need to do for all of us right now. And if going out to dinner once in a while makes me smile, please be happy for me.”
I looked away from her. I did hate it here as much as she did. But I wasn’t going to blame Dad about it. This whole dating thing made everything worse, not better. She was never here now. If she went out all the time, I’d never see her. And I’d never be happy about her dating. Never.
***
I pulled my hair up in a high ponytail. After sliding the elastic band around the hair, I stood back and looked in the mirror. I was ready.
Excitement tingled through me. Aunt Holly was taking me and Sam to an amusement park for the day with two friends. I’d asked Tommy to go, but he’d said he was busy. So, Kara, a friend from my old school, would go with us. Probably been six months since I’d seen Kara, and I was excited to see her again.
Kara had shown her comforting side when Dad died. Not in the way most of my friends had. She hadn’t hovered over me like I was some kind of glass figurine about to break. Instead, she’d just done nice things for me. Like always saving a seat for me at lunch and bringing an extra chocolate chip cookie for me every day because she knew I liked them. Or helping me with a science project I had no energy to complete. Little things that meant a lot at the time.
Aunt Holly had the air-conditioning cranked up in her light-blue sedan. So much so, I shivered sitting between Kara and Matt, Sam’s friend, in the backseat. I grinned at Kara, who kept smoothing down her flyaway hairs and shooting darting glances at Matt. She looked different from the last time I’d seen her. A lot different. She used to wear her hair back in a clip most of the time. But today, even though we’d be riding roller coasters and sweating in the ninety-degree heat, she’d flat ironed it until it fell in perfect smoothness around her pixie face. Except for those few flyaways. Dark kohl lined her eyes. Her outfit, very short shorts with a low-cut tank top, showcased her quite ample breasts. At least for a thirteen-year-old girl.
I, on the other hand, no makeup, my old cutoffs, and a T-shirt that said Henley’s Insurance that my mom got from work.
The trip turned out to be a waste of time. All Kara wanted to do was follow Matt and Sam around or any cute guy who walked past. She didn’t want to go on the rides
