The rest of the wedding was a bit of a blur I just ended up drinking most of the free wine on the table during the wedding breakfast, white, rosé, red—it was all the same to me—and I ended up waking up next to the best man, naked.
Shagging the best man not one of my finest moments and to this day Spence does not know what happened I did not need his judgement. I think he just thought I got drunk and passed out. Little did he know that I had to sneak out of his best man’s room, wearing only his suit jacket, and do the walk of shame back to the room I was staying in. Luckily, no one saw me. Well, I hope they didn’t anyway.
I had never thought that I would get married only in my dreams when I was younger. Who would want to marry me? I was damaged goods. I had always had issues with how I see myself. People could tell me a million times that I am beautiful, but I would just go back to the abuse and the names I was called at school for having olive skin or being fat and ugly. My nickname at school was broomstick, due to resembling a witch. I can remember when I left junior school everyone wrote on my school top with messages of good luck, most people would keep there’s as a keepsake but I chucked mine in the bin as it had broomstick written all over it. No one would call me by my actual name, India Halberd.
I was rummaging through my bedside table drawer looking for my credit card I kept in there for emergencies, this was an emergency as I had wedding bits to buy. I knew it was in there, why is it when you are trying to look for something you can never find it? Pushing old receipts, buttons and other crap I kept for no reason at all out of the way, a photo of my younger self appeared. I smiled, something I only seemed to do now when Edward was around. It took me back to a time I felt so confident and carefree. Wearing my dark hair super straight so long it went down to my bum, tanned skin and brown almond shaped eyes. Eleven years old and dressed in a designer white shirt with red tartan waistcoat and matching trousers. My mum always treated me to the best things; she always had for as long as I could remember. This picture was taken at a time when I loved being the centre of attention, would push my siblings out of photographs as I wanted it to just be all about me. The men in my life had slowly taken my confidence away bit by bit day by day.
If you were to glance at me, you may think I am younger than I am, not because I am very youthful, but because I am still very short, a tad on the curvaceous side, some days you could say fat and look pregnant even though I’m nowhere near. I blame the endometriosis for the fat part. When I was thirty, I started to experience pelvic pain and my tummy would swell up so much I could only wear elasticated clothing. Very attractive, I know. Sometimes it would be so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t until after persistently pestering the doctors I saw a specialist who gave me exploratory surgery and I was diagnosed. I knew it wasn’t period pain like they thought. It’s a common condition that currently affects one in ten women and it is where your womb lining grows in other places. In a way I was relieved, as I was starting to think maybe it was all in my head. This surgery did not solve my pain. It will still flare up at any time not just around my period and was so unpredictable.
Comparing myself now to the photo, my skin is still tanned but freckled from the sun, fine lines and dark circles around the eyes. Crooked teeth that I had always hated but there I was smiling flashing my straight white teeth in the picture.
The only time I would do this now would be on a night out if I was drunk, because then I didn’t care until the pictures would emerge on social media in the morning. I hated myself, had no confidence like I use to, I think that’s probably why I have never settled down before never felt good enough that’s why I never told Spence how I truly felt about him. I wasn’t going to make that same mistake with Edward, let my past affect my future. I never wear much make up unless it’s a special occasion or have a spot that’s needs covering up. I wear more make up then as a distraction, so you don’t directly look at the massive red flashing bump on my face. I do not live for fashion. I do buy clothes that are in fashion, but only if I like them. You would not catch me in a pair of tie dye cycling shorts and sporting a bum bag just because it was in fashion, because if you ask me it’s bloody gross. If I were to describe my style in two words, it
