Daddy was in the double bed, and I sat on the floor at the end of it, hunched in the alcove carved in the wall.
And that’s when the pain started.
It got so sharp so quickly I started whimpering and writhing in agony.
I sat there for ages clenching my tummy, and the pain was so bad I couldn’t help making noises, even though I was afraid of Mammy getting cross. I thought I was going to die.
Daddy stirred and sat up in bed when Mammy entered the room. Now they were shouting at each other.
‘Get her!’ he was yelling. ‘Get her, will you!’
He wanted Mammy to stop me writhing and screaming, but I couldn’t stop. The pain was coming faster and faster, tightening my stomach and making me push down below.
It was unbearable. I winced and pushed. It felt like I could push the pain out, and suddenly I was groaning and the pain was nearly out.
The baby was on the floor.
Mammy picked it up, but I barely even looked. I was still in agony and still pushing. There was something else inside me.
Mammy clawed at me, trying to pull out the rest of it. Her touch frightened me. She was touching me between the legs, pulling something out of me, hurting me with her spiky fingernails.
‘Daddy!’ I screamed. Mammy was hurting me. I didn’t like her touching me down there. I wanted her to stop.
Mammy had it now. She pulled it out of me. It was big a lump of blood and veins. I recoiled when I saw it. I was still twisting in agony. I was panic-stricken by this thing that had come out of me. I had no idea what it was. Maybe it really was a freak? It scared me so much.
Daddy appeared above me. He looked stern and incensed. He handed Mammy a pair of scissors and one of her knitting needles.
‘I don’t want them - you do it,’ he warned her.
Mammy thrust them back at Daddy, but he shoved them back in her face.
They were arguing now, hissing and snarling over who would ‘do it’. I was petrified. The blade of the scissors and the point of the needle dangled in front of me, terrifying me.
I didn’t know what they wanted to do, I was just glad to have Daddy here, so I wasn’t all alone with Mammy. She was frightening me far more than he was. She usually did.
Eventually Mammy said, ‘If you won’t do it, then I will,’ and she snatched the scissors and the knitting needle out of his outstretched hand.
It was dark in the room, but I could see the baby now. It was on the floor in front of me. I could see it was a baby girl. She wasn’t a monster after all. She was a perfect baby girl, with soft hair and pink skin. Her little fingers were wriggling, and I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I was frozen with shock.
Mammy was reaching for her now. She had the knitting needle.
I saw it flash as she lifted it above my baby’s face. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. I was afraid of making Mammy any angrier. I was afraid of what was going to happen.
I looked on in helpless horror as she stabbed the needle into my baby’s beautiful little face.
She did it once, and then she did it over and over again. She stabbed her in the neck too.
I could hardly breathe through my shock. My baby’s face wasn’t perfect any more.
She was bleeding, but just a moment ago she had been so flawless. I couldn’t take it in.
Daddy was watching Mammy, but started to tut and shake his head, like he was in a hurry. He walked away, and I heard him sink back into bed.
I had to touch my baby. I had to feel her warm skin.
I stretched out my trembling hand and nearly reached her, but Mammy jabbed the top of my hand sharply with the knitting needle.
It hurt, and I pulled back.
‘If you ever tell anyone about this, you are next,’ she spat.
‘Please, Mammy,’ I stuttered. ‘Please let me touch my baby.’
‘Shut up!’ she snarled. ‘Just shut up!’
I really wanted to touch my baby. I felt an overpowering urge to reach out again, but Mammy’s hand swiped out in front of me.
She had the scissors in her hand now. It looked like she was going to cut the bloody rope that was hanging out of the baby’s tummy, but then Mammy paused, and just ripped it out of my baby instead.
The baby cried, and Mammy put her on the pink double candlewick bedspread off Daddy’s bed and left the room with her.
I couldn’t move. My body felt very heavy, and my eyes started to go black. I was slipping away, blacking out with pain.
Everything went very dark, and when I opened my eyes I tried to move, but my legs felt paralysed. It felt as if I’d lain there for a while, but I wasn’t sure how long.
I blinked and looked down slowly. I saw three leather belts strapped around my legs, pressing them tightly together.
The pain in my tummy was back again, as sharp as ever. My whole body was aching, and I started to cry. I couldn’t lift my legs, I was in too much pain. I reached down and undid the buckles on the belts. Blood was running down my legs. All of a sudden, my mind slipped into a sharper focus for a second. I had to go down the stairs and out the front door.
I’d never experienced such fear in my life. It felt so raw, as if the fear was in every part of my body and running through my veins like poison, jolting me and terrifying me.
I had to get out. I had to get away. I was in a blind panic now.
I inched
