With every rant she stabbed my baby in the neck and face again. The baby was dead, I could see that. She had stopped moving and crying, but still Mammy carried on stabbing her viciously.
It reminded me of the times when she beat me.
Now she was doing the same thing to my baby, and I was as powerless as when Mammy beat me. I was a child too.
‘Get the laundry bag out of the cupboard,’ she ordered.
I had to crawl along the floor to the cupboard because I was in so much pain I could no longer stand up. I gave her the big green laundry bag, which we hardly ever used, then
I told Mammy I wanted to go to the toilet again.
When I got outside I noticed a plastic bag on the coals in the coal shed, and for a moment I thought my baby might be hidden inside it, so I started to try to stretch my hand out over the coals to grab the bag.
My stomach hit off the little wall that kept the coal in, and I cried out in pain. It made me think that my baby had been safely inside me, and now she was dead. I couldn’t think of anything else but hiding, so I dashed back into the toilet. I knew there was a bolt on the door, and I desperately wanted to lock myself in, to be all alone.
I thought that if I was on my own I could escape the horrors of the night, but once I was inside, alone in the dark, I became hysterical and lost control of myself completely.
I screamed out loud to Mammy over and over again: ‘I want my baby. I’ll get you back for what you’ve done. I’ll get you back one day. You’ll see!’
I didn’t care who heard me. I wasn’t bothered what anyone might think or do. Suddenly I was no longer afraid, other things mattered more. My baby mattered more.
I exhausted myself by screaming and wailing and shouting threats. I was dead beat, and after a while I could say no more. I was trembling with nerves and fear and my body was pulsating with pain.
Now all I wanted was to go back into the warm house so I could feel better.
I hoped I would be allowed to go to bed and fall to sleep, but Mammy told me we were going out for a walk. I didn’t want to go out for a walk, but Mammy already had her coat on, and I could tell we were going whether I liked it or not.
Chapter 15
Goodbye
Mammy had the bag with my baby in it.
I followed her silently out of the back door and down the side passage, wondering what we were going to do so late. I didn’t know what time it was, but it was deep into the night, or even the early hours of the morning. There was a chill in the air. Everything was very black and silent, and I felt scared and cold.
I followed Mammy blindly for ages, feeling deadened with pain and shock. After a while I realized we were walking down a side road towards the main bus route in Sandycove.
Mammy was still carrying the laundry bag in her hand.
‘Cross here with me,’ she told me. ‘If we’re on the other side of the road, the police cars going to Dalkey won’t see us.’
We walked on to the pier in Sandycove, and Mammy told me to go down on to the long slipway that led from the pier into the water.
I obeyed. I couldn’t think properly for myself, so I listened to Mammy. It was dark, and I was scared, so I did what she told me. As always, I was too frightened to disobey her.
‘Bend down and see if you can see an old pram in the water,’ Mammy said in a coaxing voice. ‘We could get it out and take it home with us.’
I bent down to try to see the pram in the dark water, and Mammy strode up behind me. Before I could turn round to look at her I was falling.
She had shoved me really hard, and I was falling through the water.
It was ice-cold and my heart jolted with shock. I gasped for air but swallowed salty mouthfuls of water as I kicked my legs furiously and tried to push myself back up to the surface.
I’d plunged so deeply into the freezing water that I’d hit the bottom of the sea bed. I kicked again and my legs hit something.
It felt like concrete, and I managed to get my feet on it and stand up. I could see again now. It was the part of the slipway that was sunk in the water, and I started wading up it, fighting for breath and shivering with cold. Then I heard another loud splash, and I looked up to see the green bag floating on top of the swirling, dark sea in front of me.
I screamed hysterically and started lunging desperately towards the laundry bag. It was slippery and heavy, but I managed to grab it and clutched it to my chest.
I tried to make my way back to Mammy, further up the slipway. I felt frozen to the bone now, and I was stinging and throbbing with pain in my stomach and legs.
‘Follow me!’ she growled angrily. We kept walking and went down some steps, and as we got to the last step, I put my foot down on to the path and felt something crunch under my foot.
I looked down in horror. There were hundreds of bugs scampering about everywhere. They terrified me, and I started to scream, but Mammy told me to shut up and hurry up. The bugs had just come out because it was raining, she said.
I shut my mouth firmly, because Mammy was losing her temper, and I followed her into the little park in Sandycove, where she told me I had to put the
