Friendly’s offered me a break from the high school drama. Most of the seniors had part-time jobs where their friends worked, so some of the grocery stores and restaurants around the high school were saturated with seniors. My co-workers at Friendly’s were great. The only part of the job that I didn’t like was that some of the seniors hung out at the restaurant. Most girls in the senior class considered dinner at Friendly’s an upscale date. One time, my co-worker got into an argument with some of my classmates about not being able to eat off the children’s menu. Afterward, she reassured me by saying, “Those girls are natural-born bitches.” It was good for me to be in different atmosphere where those types of girls who fought about ordering off the children’s menu were seen as absurd, rather than funny.
On Thursday night, I kept wondering what was going to happen the next day at school. Would I hear Eric’s and Carmine’s voices all during the day as well? Or would I just hear the other boys in my class that I’d been hearing for over a month now?
The next day, I woke up again to Eric’s and Carmine’s voices. By the time I got through homeroom and into my math class, not only was I hearing Eric’s voice, but also Carmine’s and Gabe’s, as well. It was like the four of us were having a conversation, but it wasn’t in person. The same thing happened during all my class periods when the other boys were there. Eric actually got upset at Sam when Sam said he didn’t believe any of the rumors that Eric was spreading. At the end of the day, during AP Chemistry, Tyler said, “You guys should be nice to each other. You have to live with each other, and Luke, don’t kill yourself.”
It was that Friday that I had actually started thinking about killing myself. The voices were too unbearable to live with. When I finished AP Chemistry, I went to Spanish to make up an exam I had missed during one of my absences. When I accidently wrote on my paper me toca la, the teacher told me that me toca la translated as “I touch myself.” I could hear Carmine and Eric laughing in my mind. As I drove home, I noticed that Eric was in a car a few feet in front of me, and I could see that he was smoking. Eric didn’t have his own car, and he didn’t need one. Plenty of people were available to give him a ride. When I noticed that Eric was smoking, I could hear his voice inside of my mind. “Of course I still smoke. I started in eighth grade, and you better let us out.” We were both in cars waiting to get out of the school parking lot.
When I got home that Friday from school, I sat on the couch and began seriously thinking about how I was going to end my life. I had a plan: I was simply going to drive my 1994 Chevy Cavalier into the garage, close the door, and go to sleep. Then I would never have to hear another voice in my mind, and I could be free of all the torment that I was going through—going to school every day with this happening, not being able to live a healthy life. I could sense that both Eric’s and Carmine’s voices were scared, and Carmine actually said to Eric, “If he kills himself, the joke is over and I am never going to talk to you again.” After some contemplation, I decided not to do it and went to work at Friendly’s as scheduled. It wasn’t that I had decided not to ever do it; I just put the idea on hold. Plus, I think I knew my work needed me for that shift that Friday night. When I got home from work, I kept praying to God that my mind would be clear and that I would never hear the voices again.
On Saturday, my mother decided to take me out for breakfast. I knew that she was worried, as it seemed like I was always staring into space. She asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t tell her anything. I just said that I was having some trouble in school and didn’t want to talk about it. On Saturday, the voices continued. Eric told me that he was eating at McDonald’s with Carmine and Evan and Dustin, their two friends from Saint John’s. Eric’s voice kept telling me, “Tell me something that would make me believe that I’m reading your mind.” In reply, I told Eric to tell Dustin and Evan that the young brother at Saint John’s, Brother Raymond, used to watch South Park. Eric told me that Dustin and Evan still didn’t believe him.
On Sunday, I woke up again—not to an alarm clock, but to Eric’s and Carmine’s voices. My mother and I went to church together, and when my mother encouraged me to pass the church bulletin, she told me to pay attention because she knew I was distracted. I finally told my mom that when we got home from church, I needed to talk to her. She could never imagine what I was going to tell her.
I gave my mom a hug, and the two of us sat on the couch together. I told her that I started hearing Carmine’s voice in January, and then in March other voices joined in, until the conversations in my mind had lately been occurring nonstop. My mother listened in silence, her eyes growing bigger in disbelief. When I was finished, she told me, “Well, at least you can’t get in trouble
