I finished my last day of exams, and shortly before I left Geneseo to go home to Albany, I remember lying on my bed in my dorm room and once again hearing a voice inside of my mind. Even though I knew Carmine was in Albany attending college and I was in Geneseo, I still felt that we were communicating to each other through our minds. We talked about the Alumni Day the following day, and Carmine’s voice said that he would say hi to me. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that I would see Carmine and he would tell me that the voice in my mind was his and that I wasn’t a schizophrenic. Maybe we could actually be friends. I didn’t tell anybody about the voice that I heard—not even my mother. I had stopped taking Zyprexa in September, and this was the first time I had heard a voice since June. I didn’t like the medication. I had gained weight on it, and it made me hungry and tired all the time. I blamed my weight gain on the infamous “freshmen fifteen” that most college students experience. Plus, every time I saw that bottle of pills, it reminded me that I was schizophrenic. I just wanted to be normal again.
Even though I was adjusted to college and was having a blast my freshman year, I couldn’t forget the voices and all of the torment that I went through during high school. One night Denise and Jody spiked my hair, and we took a picture of me hugging them as they both kissed my face. I e-mailed the picture to Carmine. I would also instant message him on occasion, sometimes as a joke.
On December 20, I actually walked into Colonie Central High School as an alumnus. I talked to my guidance counselor and mentioned how much I liked working in the admissions office at Geneseo. I was wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt with a bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo inside the pocket, and I was planning to give Claire the bottle and say that I was her award. Claire didn’t show up, so I can only imagine what everybody thought the big lump hanging out of my stomach was. I did see Carmine, and he did say hi to me—just like his voice had told me previously—but that was it. I only stayed there an hour, and then I went home.
While I was at Alumni Day, I ran into Mr. Jackson, one of the associate principals at the high school and my friend Diana’s father. I told him that I knew his daughter, and then he said, “Yes, I know; she has a picture of you dancing in her room. She told me, ‘This kid is crazy. He’s from Colonie.’” When I told my mother this, she couldn’t believe it. She had really just known me as the depressed and sullen kid I’d been over the past four years.
After I spent close to an hour visiting some of my former classmates, I still wanted to make a lasting impression on my high school peers. Before I had left Geneseo, Jody had made a sign that said, “Do You Love Lukey? Then Sign Up for the Luscious Lukey Fan Club,” and put it on my door. It was just a joke, but I was touched by Jody’s thoughtfulness. As a bit of revenge for what Carmine and his friends did to me throughout high school, I decided to tape the sign to Carmine’s car. After I taped the sign, I ran from Carmine’s car and lost my shoe in the process. I remember a school monitor was just staring at me in bewilderment. At that time, even though Carmine and Eric wouldn’t let me tell them to their faces, I wanted to say, “You made me feel worthless in high school, and now I have friends and I no longer accept the horrible labels that you and your clique put on me.”
Soon after I returned home from semester break, my mother told me that she and Anthony had decided to split up and she was single again. They had dated each other for eight to nine years. Anthony was controlling, and I knew that my mother wanted to end their relationship for a while, but my mental illness had taken a toll on her and she needed support. Even though I told her not to tell anyone about my schizophrenia, I knew she couldn’t hold it in and had ended up telling Anthony. I missed seeing Julie, Anthony’s daughter, and I knew it would be hard for my mother to be single.
During the month that I was home on break between my first and second semester, I started to hang out again with my high school friend Randy. We went to the mall, restaurants, shopping, and movies. Usually we just hung out by ourselves, since Randy’s other friends usually associated with Carmine or Eric. Randy was surprised at how much I had changed. During the four months that I was at college, I had become more outgoing and outspoken. One time while the two of us were at the mall, an Asian food worker offered me a free sample of chicken on a stick. I took the chicken and shoved it in the worker’s face to be funny and to turn the tables on him, but the man didn’t
