“You’re telling me there was no showmance?” It was good to talk about things other than Kannon, and Rian was just the storyteller to lift my mood. I could also go a full twenty seconds without thinking of Kannon while she was talking.
She shook her head. “Nope. But during the movie, they broke up. The long filming hours were too much for her. And she’s an actress too, so she gets it, but time apart isn’t easy. And then during the press junkets, I don’t know, we just connected or something. But that’s not going to work out. He’s that guy who needs someone around. If I was the kind of girl to follow him from set to set and just be available when he is, we could probably make it work. But I’m not that girl. I’ve got my own shit going on. It was fun for the month or so while we were traveling to promote Rebel Cause, but now? It’s done.”
“Please tell me there were at least orgasms,” Sparrow asked, all ears.
Rian laughed, and I said, “Wow, you’re really into this.”
Sparrow sighed dramatically. “I don’t know about you, but I have been high and dry in the desert for far too long. Rian’s story is the only thing keeping me going right now. I’ve got more angst about sex. I need this in my life.”
I laughed along with them. But that one little remark just reminded me that my bed would be empty. It told me that everything I felt with Kannon, under his lips, under his hands, that was over now. The one thing I was happy about was that, for the first time in a long time, I’d been vulnerable with someone. And I knew that was what I needed to do all the time. I couldn’t go back to being closed off. Just a little bit distant, waiting for that rejection. Otherwise, I would never be happy.
It was like Sparrow knew the direction of my thoughts because she said, “Look, he’s my boss, and my friend, and my mentor, but Kannon is an idiot. One day he’s going to realize that he let the best thing in his life go, and he’s going to come crawling back. I hope you make him bleed.”
Rian raised her glass. “Hear, hear for making him bleed.”
I laughed, knowing it was forced, and I raised my glass. “He’s not coming back. Or at least, not coming to Alden. If there was a wishing tree to grant me this one wish and he did come back, I promise, I would make him bleed. And who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t even be available.”
My girls grinned at me. “Amen, sister. That’s what I’m talking about,” Sparrow hooted.
Rian lifted a brow. “Really?”
Sparrow shrugged and laughed. “What? It seems appropriate.”
Rian just rolled her eyes. “Fine, let’s go with amen, sister.” Then we clinked glasses.
Except I knew the truth. I couldn’t even let my heart hope for something like him coming back, otherwise I would always be on this precipice, waiting for him. Waiting for life to happen to me. And I was done waiting.
I was going to live my life in the moment. Make my own plans. I was going to direct my own destiny.
Chapter 20 Kannon
Regrets are for those who forget to live.
A week after leaving Paris, my arm hurt, my head hurt, and pretty much everything else still ached too, especially my heart. I knew I was an idiot, but how far I had dug myself into this hole was a little ridiculous.
I was home in Los Angeles and a million light years away from my heart. But London was safe and tucked away.
And I was alone. Exactly where I needed to be. I deserved that and more.
I’d hurt her. Maybe if I had been strong enough, she wouldn’t have been hurt at all. And if that was the case, maybe there would have been a chance for me to stay with her.
I frowned at that line of thought, knowing it couldn’t go anywhere.
She wasn’t for me.
She couldn’t be.
She’d tell me if something changed with her circumstances within the next month, but other than that, there would be no contact. There couldn’t be. Not when she had a whole life in front of her that had nothing to do with me. And I would always be the one in the shadows. The one who took the bullet for my charge.
And I couldn’t do that and be with London at the same time.
I still couldn’t get her face out of my mind.
It’s for the best, I told myself. It had to be.
I needed to change my bandage soon and set up the next job with my team. I was lethargic and unmotivated. I had already checked in on Sparrow and annoyed the hell out of her. She should be fine and was on the mend, but I had almost lost her too, and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had.
I would never tell Sparrow that, or she would kick my ass. She was my friend, my teammate, and she had almost died because of my recklessness.
That was why both of them had gotten hurt, and I would never forgive myself.
A loud banging on the door made me freeze and reach for my gun, only I had already put it in the safe. But I had a few weapons near.
I pulled the knife out of my boot and went to the door.
I was already on edge, but when I looked through the peephole, I cursed and thought about keeping the knife. Instead, I slid it back into my boot and opened the door, preparing for what was eventually going to be my downfall.
Three men stood on the other side of the door, all in suits, one looking a little disheveled, one looking cocky as hell, and the other looking like he
