I nodded, blinking back tears.
Mom kissed me on the forehead. “I’m sorry I got so worked up. I just worry about you.” She brushed her fingers through my hair and looked me hard in the eyes. “Why don’t you splash some water on your face and brush your hair. Annie came to the door a few minutes ago, and I told her she could wait in your room.”
My heart wrenched as she walked out of the bathroom. I wanted to talk about what happened—about the things my dad said—but my mom would never do that. She pretends my dad’s opinions don’t matter, but they do.
I stumbled out of the bathroom, wishing Annie wasn’t waiting for me. I was sure she would see the crisis all over my face. I gave her a halfhearted smile as I walked in, waiting for her to ask what was wrong. Instead, she came running up and gave me a huge hug. “I have the best news for you. But first I have to tell you something that’s gonna piss you off.”
Great.
I blinked at her as she barreled ahead, oblivious to the fact that I’d just had a complete meltdown two rooms away.
“I didn’t have a family thing last night,” she confessed. “I spent the night at Courtney’s house.”
I felt myself give up. It was the strangest sensation. I’d feared Annie abandoning me for Courtney for so long, and now that it was happening, I couldn’t muster the energy to care. All the fight had left me.
I walked over and sat on my bed, looking at Annie through tears of resignation.
“I knew you’d be pissed. I should have just told you the truth. But here’s the thing: Courtney and Larissa feel bad about everything that happened in the past, and they agreed to try again.”
Her words made no sense. “Try what again?”
“Being friends. Getting over the past. I know a lot of shitty stuff happened, but I want us all to be friends—to spend time together.”
“And they agreed to that?” I had a feeling Annie wasn’t telling the whole story.
She smiled hard. “Yes! That’s my great news. We can all eat together and hang out.”
I looked at Annie’s bright eyes and wished I could be more like her. In Annie’s world, people like me can be friends with people like Courtney. I knew she was wrong. But like I said, I had no more fight left in me.
I’m like one of those bouncy rubber balls I used to get out of the gumball machine at the supermarket. I’m hurtling out of control, bouncing off other people, with no ability to control my own direction.
“I’ll think about it,” I said, to buy myself some time. I don’t know why I bothered putting her off, though. I already know that I’ll follow Annie in her misguided attempts at fixing my social life, just like I’ll follow my mother to the doctor’s while she tries to fix what’s wrong in my head.
I’ll bounce along between them, even though I know it’s pointless. There are some things that can’t be fixed.
Annie
I write “x=–1” and then flip to the back of my textbook to check the answer key.
“Goddamn it,” I mutter.
Scott looks up from across the table and gives me a crooked smile. “Problem?”
“There’s something wrong with this answer key,” I say, erasing my work so viciously that the paper tears. “I’m usually great at math.”
“You’re sexy when you’re mad,” he says, pressing his leg against mine under the table. “Your eyes get brighter.”
“You’re an idiot,” I joke, heat rising in my cheeks. “And this is all your fault. I can’t concentrate on math with you sitting across from me.”
He props a textbook up between us, slouching behind it so I can’t see him. “Pretend I’m not here, then.”
I roll my eyes and start in on the problem again. I refuse to be bested by this stupid equation.
Two lines into my solution, I can feel his eyes on me again. “Let’s get out of here,” he practically growls, and I snap my textbook shut.
We scurry out of the public library and into the street, where Scott pulls me in for a kiss that makes my knees buckle.
I drop my bag on the sidewalk and wind my arms around his neck as his tongue darts into my mouth. I can’t get enough of him, and it scares the shit out of me. Courtney’s words dance through my brain. Scott’s great, but he’s a bit of a player.
I didn’t mean to get this serious, but I can’t help feeling like this.
Scott thinks everything I do is amazing. He likes to just sit and watch me sometimes. I’ll look up to find him staring at me, and when I ask him what he’s looking at, he says stuff like “Your hair looks like it’s on fire when the sun hits it” or “I’m counting your freckles.” Stuff that makes my heart beat fast and my skin flame.
Scott looks at me and sees me. I feel special and important and beautiful. I feel like I matter.
He rests his forehead against mine, and I smile at the look in his eyes. I want to capture it on paper so I can see it whenever I want. So I can keep this feeling with me even when he’s not around.
“I have an idea,” I say excitedly, and he raises his eyebrows in expectation. “Let me draw you.”
“Ah,” he says, nodding. “You want me to be your nude model.”
I laugh. “No! I want to draw your portrait. Will you pose for me?”
“Sounds hot,” he says, looping an arm around my waist. “Your place or mine?”
Down in his basement, I sit cross-legged on the couch and wonder how someone with so much personality can be such a lifeless model. Scott’s sitting across from me like a mannequin, his face completely expressionless.
“Relax,” I tell him, earning a tight smile.
I uncross my legs and nudge him with my foot. I want that heated
