“No? So, what, then? It was easier to keep me in the dark? Jill and Callie too? That’s why you cut them out, isn’t it? God forbid your career goals be inconvenienced by having to tell everyone you were pregnant with our child?”
How dare he? I’m not the bad guy here. Not when I’ve given up everything to keep our son safe. His patronizing tone enflames a rage inside my chest.
I stomp forward, getting in his personal space as my chest heaves with unsteady breath. “Look, I didn’t come back for you. Okay? I don’t want anything from you. I don’t need you. We’re doing just fine on our own. And I thought— You know what?” I throw my hands in the air and stop myself from going off. “No. I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t owe you anything. The code for the garage is seven-one-five-three. Do the rest yourself. I’m done.”
“Mama!” My son’s squeal of excitement deflates my outrage. So does the flash of pain that crosses Chase’s face.
I turn around, grab my bag from the truck and shove the photos inside as I power walk to meet Matthew as he dashes across the lawn. Simon follows him with long strides. I don’t look back over my shoulder to see if Chase is watching. Part of me expects he is but I can’t deal with his judgment. Even if it’s deserved.
Matthew’s little body races forward, closing the distance and falling into my arms when I drop to my knees.
“Matthew! Hey, baby.” I brush back the soft wavy curls from his forehead. “Did you have a good day?”
“Sorry, I tried to hold him back,” Simon glances over my shoulder toward the garage, his brows narrowing with concern. Chase is no doubt staring at us, but I refuse to check. “Once Matty saw you through the window it was no use.”
“It’s fine. I’m done for the day,” I say to Simon, then pepper kisses over my son’s cheeks. “You didn’t take a very long nap.”
Matthew giggles and squirms, his laughter loosening some of the tension in my body. This boy. He’s magic that way. Gives me purpose and unconditional love. Settles my worries. He’s my reason, every single day.
“Go dig!” He wriggles from my hold and takes my hand, pulling me back toward the house. “Momma dig!” He grows impatient, tugging on my arm a few times as I push to my full height. He lets go of my hand, racing across the lawn, toward the planters where we were playing this morning.
“He really loves to play in the dirt.” I laugh, standing and opening my mouth to ask Simon a question. Only, the concern in his hard stare directed over my shoulder makes me forget what I was going to say.
“Alicia.” Chase clears his throat. “Can we talk? Please.”
I can’t bring myself to see the judgment in his eyes, so I don’t lift my gaze when I glance over my shoulder. “I’m not doing this right now.”
“Then, when?” His demand is harsh. Angry. Cold. He has every right to those feelings, but I don’t have the strength to take them on. Not when I’m desperately trying to reconcile the conflict rattling my own heart.
With a deep sigh I give him the only answer I can. “When you remember I’m not the enemy here.” My gaze lifts to Matthew and with one foot in front of the other I march toward my son, praying Chase doesn’t follow.
Simon jogs to my side, glancing back over his shoulder several times before whispering, “You told him.”
“He sort of figured it out on his own.”
“Bollocks,” Simon swears, his brow knit with concern as he keeps up with my hurried pace. “How’d it go, then?”
“Fine.” But fine doesn’t even come close to describing my day with Chase. Frustrating. Confusing. Infuriating—that would be more accurate.
Simon knocks his shoulder against mine, his lips pulling up with the trace of a smile. “You’re lying.”
I roll my eyes. “And you’re annoying.”
A burst of laughter shakes his chest. “He got under your skin.”
Amongst other things.
We reach the end of the patio, and Matthew climbs over the low edge of the built-in planters and retrieves the spade from this morning. I take a seat on one of the patio chairs, my back to where Chase is parked, and pick at my nail polish.
Simon drags a chair close to mine and takes a seat. We watch Matty play in silence for what feels like hours, but is more likely a matter of minutes. My chest aches. I can’t breathe comfortably. Not until the distant rumble of Chase’s truck engine breaks the silence do I finally unwind. The fading crunch of gravel as he drives away provides temporary relief.
“That bad, huh?” Simon asks.
“I didn’t think it would be like this,” I admit, a deep sadness coming over me.
“Like what?”
“I didn’t expect him to be sober.” I close my eyes so tears won’t leak from the corners and exhale slowly. “I thought time would change me.”
“You still have feelings for him.” Simon’s eyes widen.
“How could I not?” I gesture to where my son plays, blissfully ignorant of the turmoil that surrounds us.
“Don’t pin this on Matthew.” Simon shakes his head, his frown full of disappointment. “You’ve had unresolved feelings for this man for years.”
He’s right. I hate that he’s right. “I kissed him. Or he kissed me. Whatever, it was reckless and stupid.”
“You love him.”
“He has a girlfriend.”
“Oh, babe.”
“It’s fine.” It’s not. “I just need to keep my head clear. Today was a blip. Too many familiar things, and it stirred up things better left in the past.”
“So, does this mean your friends know, too? Callie and Jill?”
Fuck. I didn’t even consider that they know. Or that Chase might’ve already told them. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I think back to having lunch at Jill and Cam’s not even an hour ago. “No,” I shake my head. “I don’t think he’s told them.
