‘Look love, you’re going to have to sort yourself out. I can’t be doing with complications. I’m not losing my fiancée, that’s for sure. And if you try to name me as the father, Maddie, I’ll deny it. It could be anyone’s.’
She stared up at him in shock. ‘How can you say that?’ she wailed, pleading. ‘After all we’ve had together. I love you. I trusted you, Freddy! I let you make love to me and I thought you loved me enough to look after me.’
Her heart was beating so fast, pounding, her breathing rapid with terror of what lay in store for her now; unthinkable things, all so terrifying that she was being overwhelmed by them. She felt she was going to faint. Her clothing felt so tight about her body that it felt as though she were in a cage of iron. It made her want to tear off the constriction of clothing. Instead, all she could do was cry out, ‘Help me…’ her voice dying away to a faint breath.
The next thing she was in his arms, being held tightly.
‘Maddie! Don’t be so stupid!’
‘I want to die.’ It felt as if she were actually dying.
‘Don’t be silly, Maddie, pull yourself together,’ he was saying, his voice sharp and urgent.
There was hope. He still loved her. He wouldn’t let her go, wouldn’t leave her. She let her body go limp against him as he held her. ‘I’ll love you always,’ she sighed. ‘Always.’
‘Then you’ll do what I suggest. Get rid of it.’
That brought her to her senses with a jolt. ‘No! No!’ she heard herself cry out. ‘Just be with me, marry me, Oh, Freddy, I love you so much. We can still marry…’
‘Oh, for God’s sake!’
He let go of her so suddenly that she almost fell to the ground again but managed to keep her feet as he swung away from her. ‘I’ve had enough of this,’ he was saying. Now he turned back to her.
‘Look, Maddie, I’ve told you, I’m promised to someone else. And I’m putting my cards on the table now. You can get rid of it or you can keep it, either way it doesn’t matter. Maybe I wasn’t as careful as I should have been but you never showed any wish for us to be anything else. Maybe I should have taken precautions but it wasn’t all my fault, you practically ate me up when we made love and gave me no chance to be careful.’
She stood trembling, perplexed. What did he mean by precautions, being careful? But he wasn’t done talking yet.
‘But I promise you, Maddie, if you do have it and try to name me as the father, I’ll deny it. No one knows about us, certainly not my fiancée. And if you do try to accuse me, she’ll stand by me, because who’d ever imagine for a moment that some well brought up daughter of a distinguished man like your father – though I must say you’ve never behaved to me all that well brought up – having an affair with some tradesman like me, even to letting him have his pleasure with her.’
He stopped, breathing heavily from his furious speech. Through the many cracks in the broken planks of the barn the hot July sunshine pierced the gloom with shafts of dustladen light. One shaft was lighting up those beautiful blue eyes she so adored but she hardly noticed them now.
‘You’ve been making love to her all the time you’ve been with me?’ she queried stupidly.
‘Not making love,’ he corrected, almost savagely. ‘We’re engaged. I’ve never touched her. She wouldn’t have allowed me to, not until we marry. No decent girl would.’
‘You mean I’m not decent?’
‘I never said that. I thought you understood. You from a good family and me working class, where did you expect it to go?
‘Anyway,’ he went on after a pause during which she could find nothing to say, ‘it’s all over. If you need help finding an abortionist, I’ll take you, secretly. If not, then that’s it. Just don’t start trying to pester me when I’m delivering milk to your family or I’ll have to complain to them about it, all right?’
With that he moved towards her, brushing past her and out into the bright sunshine, walking off without a backward look.
As if turned to stone, Maddie watched him go. She wanted to sink down again on to the barn floor, but now there was no one to help her up. Instead she backed slowly towards the far wall of the barn, letting herself lean heavily against it. And there she wept.
Four
Dwelling on one’s own personal problems was expected to be put aside as trivial, the whole of Great Britain consumed by the need to show Kaiser Bill he couldn’t walk into another country just as he pleased. Squabbles in Europe had been one thing, marching uninvited into a neutral country in order to invade France was quite another. With Great Britain ready to square up to Germany in defence of little Belgium, men were rushing in hordes to enlist and show the Bosch what British people were made of.
Madeleine’s mind was as much taken up by the outbreak of war as anyone’s but her own problems were hitting her hard. She’d not heard from Freddy for nearly a week. Instead his father was delivering the milk, so what excuse had his son given for not delivering it himself any more? He could be ill but more likely he felt it better for him not to show himself.
After the third non-appearance, she approached his father to ask why he no longer came. ‘Didn’t you know, miss, begging you pardon,’ he said, partly with deference, partly with pride. ‘My Freddy went off to enlist the day after war was declared.’
‘Oh,’ was all she could say, but was unable to prevent herself adding, ‘What does his fiancée think about
