As You Like It

pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding:
Sweet lovers love the spring. Touchstone Truly, young gentlemen, though there was no great matter in the ditty, yet the note was very untuneable. First Page You are deceived, sir: we kept time, we lost not our time. Touchstone By my troth, yes; I count it but time lost to hear such a foolish song. God be wi’ you; and God mend your voices! Come, Audrey. Exeunt.

Scene IV

The forest.

	Enter Duke Senior, Amiens, Jaques, Orlando, Oliver, and Celia.
Duke Senior	Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy Can do all this that he hath promised?
Orlando	I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not; As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.
	Enter Rosalind, Silvius, and Phebe.
Rosalind	Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged: You say, if I bring in your Rosalind, You will bestow her on Orlando here?
Duke Senior	That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.
Rosalind	And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?
Orlando	That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.
Rosalind	You say, you’ll marry me, if I be willing?
Phebe	That will I, should I die the hour after.
Rosalind	But if you do refuse to marry me, You’ll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?
Phebe	So is the bargain.
Rosalind	You say, that you’ll have Phebe, if she will?
Silvius	Though to have her and death were both one thing.
Rosalind	I have promised to make all this matter even. Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter; You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter: Keep your word, Phebe, that you’ll marry me, Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd: Keep your word, Silvius, that you’ll marry her. If she refuse me: and from hence I go, To make these doubts all even. Exeunt Rosalind and Celia.
Duke Senior	I do remember in this shepherd boy Some lively touches of my daughter’s favour.
Orlando	My lord, the first time that I ever saw him Methought he was a brother to your daughter: But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born, And hath been tutor’d in the rudiments Of many desperate studies by his uncle, Whom he reports to be a great magician, Obscured in the circle of this forest.
	Enter Touchstone and Audrey.
Jaques	There is, sure, another flood toward, and these couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.
Touchstone	Salutation and greeting to you all!
Jaques	Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.
Touchstone	If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.
Jaques	And how was that ta’en up?
Touchstone	Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.
Jaques	How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.
Duke Senior	I like him very well.
Touchstone	God “ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.
Duke Senior	By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
Touchstone	According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.
Jaques	But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?
Touchstone	Upon a lie seven times removed:⁠—bear your body more seeming, Audrey:⁠—as thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard: he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous. If I sent him word again “it was not well cut,” he would send me word, he cut it to please himself: this is called the Quip Modest. If again “it was not well cut,” he disabled my judgment: this is called the Reply Churlish. If again “it was not well cut,” he would answer, I spake not true: this is called the Reproof Valiant. If again “it was not well cut,” he would say I lied: this is called the Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.
Jaques	And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
Touchstone	I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we measured swords and parted.
Jaques	Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?
Touchstone	O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an If, as, “If you said so, then I said so;” and they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the only peacemaker; much virtue in If.
Jaques	Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he’s as good at any thing and yet a fool.
Duke Senior	He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
	Enter Hymen, Rosalind,