An Ideal Husband

me stay for five minutes. I have made up my mind what I am going to do tonight in the House. The debate on the Argentine Canal is to begin at eleven. A chair falls in the drawing room. What is that? Lord Goring Nothing. Sir Robert Chiltern I heard a chair fall in the next room. Someone has been listening. Lord Goring No, no; there is no one there. Sir Robert Chiltern There is someone. There are lights in the room, and the door is ajar. Someone has been listening to every secret of my life. Arthur, what does this mean? Lord Goring Robert, you are excited, unnerved. I tell you there is no one in that room. Sit down, Robert. Sir Robert Chiltern Do you give me your word that there is no one there? Lord Goring Yes. Sir Robert Chiltern Your word of honour? Sits down. Lord Goring Yes. Sir Robert Chiltern Rises. Arthur, let me see for myself. Lord Goring No, no. Sir Robert Chiltern If there is no one there why should I not look in that room? Arthur, you must let me go into that room and satisfy myself. Let me know that no eavesdropper has heard my life’s secret. Arthur, you don’t realise what I am going through. Lord Goring Robert, this must stop. I have told you that there is no one in that room⁠—that is enough. Sir Robert Chiltern Rushes to the door of the room. It is not enough. I insist on going into this room. You have told me there is no one there, so what reason can you have for refusing me? Lord Goring For God’s sake, don’t! There is someone there. Someone whom you must not see. Sir Robert Chiltern Ah, I thought so! Lord Goring I forbid you to enter that room. Sir Robert Chiltern Stand back. My life is at stake. And I don’t care who is there. I will know who it is to whom I have told my secret and my shame. Enters room. Lord Goring Great heavens! his own wife! Sir Robert Chiltern comes back, with a look of scorn and anger on his face. Sir Robert Chiltern What explanation have you to give me for the presence of that woman here? Lord Goring Robert, I swear to you on my honour that that lady is stainless and guiltless of all offence towards you. Sir Robert Chiltern She is a vile, an infamous thing! Lord Goring Don’t say that, Robert! It was for your sake she came here. It was to try and save you she came here. She loves you and no one else. Sir Robert Chiltern You are mad. What have I to do with her intrigues with you? Let her remain your mistress! You are well suited to each other. She, corrupt and shameful⁠—you, false as a friend, treacherous as an enemy even⁠— Lord Goring It is not true, Robert. Before heaven, it is not true. In her presence and in yours I will explain all. Sir Robert Chiltern Let me pass, sir. You have lied enough upon your word of honour. Sir Robert Chiltern goes out. Lord Goring rushes to the door of the drawing room, when Mrs. Cheveley comes out, looking radiant and much amused. Mrs. Cheveley With a mock curtsey. Good evening, Lord Goring! Lord Goring Mrs. Cheveley! Great heavens!⁠ ⁠… May I ask what you were doing in my drawing room? Mrs. Cheveley Merely listening. I have a perfect passion for listening through keyholes. One always hears such wonderful things through them. Lord Goring Doesn’t that sound rather like tempting Providence? Mrs. Cheveley Oh! surely Providence can resist temptation by this time. Makes a sign to him to take her cloak off, which he does. Lord Goring I am glad you have called. I am going to give you some good advice. Mrs. Cheveley Oh! pray don’t. One should never give a woman anything that she can’t wear in the evening. Lord Goring I see you are quite as wilful as you used to be. Mrs. Cheveley Far more! I have greatly improved. I have had more experience. Lord Goring Too much experience is a dangerous thing. Pray have a cigarette. Half the pretty women in London smoke cigarettes. Personally I prefer the other half. Mrs. Cheveley Thanks. I never smoke. My dressmaker wouldn’t like it, and a woman’s first duty in life is to her dressmaker, isn’t it? What the second duty is, no one has as yet discovered. Lord Goring You have come here to sell me Robert Chiltern’s letter, haven’t you? Mrs. Cheveley To offer it to you on conditions. How did you guess that? Lord Goring Because you haven’t mentioned the subject. Have you got it with you? Mrs. Cheveley Sitting down. Oh, no! A well-made dress has no pockets. Lord Goring What is your price for it? Mrs. Cheveley How absurdly English you are! The English think that a chequebook can solve every problem in life. Why, my dear Arthur, I have very much more money than you have, and quite as much as Robert Chiltern has got hold of. Money is not what I want. Lord Goring What do you want then, Mrs. Cheveley? Mrs. Cheveley Why don’t you call me Laura? Lord Goring I don’t like the name. Mrs. Cheveley You used to adore it. Lord Goring Yes: that’s why. Mrs. Cheveley motions to him to sit down beside her. He smiles, and does so. Mrs. Cheveley Arthur, you loved me once. Lord Goring Yes. Mrs. Cheveley And you asked me to be your wife. Lord Goring That was the natural result of my loving you. Mrs. Cheveley And you threw me over because you saw, or said you saw, poor old Lord Mortlake trying to have a violent flirtation with me in the conservatory at Tenby. Lord Goring I am under the impression that my lawyer settled that matter with you on certain terms⁠ ⁠… dictated by yourself. Mrs. Cheveley At that time I was poor; you were rich. Lord Goring Quite so. That is why you pretended to love me. Mrs. Cheveley Shrugging her shoulders. Poor old Lord Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife! I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about. He used the most horrible