An Ideal Husband

as yet, Miss Mabel! Mabel Chiltern Are the others very bad? Lord Goring Quite dreadful! When I think of them at night I go to sleep at once. Mabel Chiltern Well, I delight in your bad qualities. I wouldn’t have you part with one of them. Lord Goring How very nice of you! But then you are always nice. By the way, I want to ask you a question, Miss Mabel. Who brought Mrs. Cheveley here? That woman in heliotrope, who has just gone out of the room with your brother? Mabel Chiltern Oh, I think Lady Markby brought her. Why do you ask? Lord Goring I haven’t seen her for years, that is all. Mabel Chiltern What an absurd reason! Lord Goring All reasons are absurd. Mabel Chiltern What sort of a woman is she? Lord Goring Oh! a genius in the daytime and a beauty at night! Mabel Chiltern I dislike her already. Lord Goring That shows your admirable good taste. Vicomte de Nanjac Approaching. Ah, the English young lady is the dragon of good taste, is she not? Quite the dragon of good taste. Lord Goring So the newspapers are always telling us. Vicomte de Nanjac I read all your English newspapers. I find them so amusing. Lord Goring Then, my dear Nanjac, you must certainly read between the lines. Vicomte de Nanjac I should like to, but my professor objects. To Mabel Chiltern. May I have the pleasure of escorting you to the music room, Mademoiselle? Mabel Chiltern Looking very disappointed. Delighted, Vicomte, quite delighted! Turning to Lord Goring. Aren’t you coming to the music room? Lord Goring Not if there is any music going on, Miss Mabel. Mabel Chiltern Severely. The music is in German. You would not understand it. Goes out with the Vicomte de Nanjac. Lord Caversham comes up to his son. Lord Caversham Well, sir! what are you doing here? Wasting your life as usual! You should be in bed, sir. You keep too late hours! I heard of you the other night at Lady Rufford’s dancing till four o’clock in the morning! Lord Goring Only a quarter to four, father. Lord Caversham Can’t make out how you stand London Society. The thing has gone to the dogs, a lot of damned nobodies talking about nothing. Lord Goring I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about. Lord Caversham You seem to me to be living entirely for pleasure. Lord Goring What else is there to live for, father? Nothing ages like happiness. Lord Caversham You are heartless, sir, very heartless! Lord Goring I hope not, father. Good evening, Lady Basildon! Lady Basildon Arching two pretty eyebrows. Are you here? I had no idea you ever came to political parties! Lord Goring I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where people don’t talk politics. Lady Basildon I delight in talking politics. I talk them all day long. But I can’t bear listening to them. I don’t know how the unfortunate men in the House stand these long debates. Lord Goring By never listening. Lady Basildon Really? Lord Goring In his most serious manner. Of course. You see, it is a very dangerous thing to listen. If one listens one may be convinced; and a man who allows himself to be convinced by an argument is a thoroughly unreasonable person. Lady Basildon Ah! that accounts for so much in men that I have never understood, and so much in women that their husbands never appreciate in them! Mrs. Marchmont With a sigh. Our husbands never appreciate anything in us. We have to go to others for that! Lady Basildon Emphatically. Yes, always to others, have we not? Lord Goring Smiling. And those are the views of the two ladies who are known to have the most admirable husbands in London. Mrs. Marchmont That is exactly what we can’t stand. My Reginald is quite hopelessly faultless. He is really unendurably so, at times! There is not the smallest element of excitement in knowing him. Lord Goring How terrible! Really, the thing should be more widely known! Lady Basildon Basildon is quite as bad; he is as domestic as if he was a bachelor. Mrs. Marchmont Pressing Lady Basildon’s hand. My poor Olivia! We have married perfect husbands, and we are well punished for it. Lord Goring I should have thought it was the husbands who were punished. Mrs. Marchmont Drawing herself up. Oh, dear no! They are as happy as possible! And as for trusting us, it is tragic how much they trust us. Lady Basildon Perfectly tragic! Lord Goring Or comic, Lady Basildon? Lady Basildon Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How unkind of you to suggest such a thing! Mrs. Marchmont I am afraid Lord Goring is in the camp of the enemy, as usual. I saw him talking to that Mrs. Cheveley when he came in. Lord Goring Handsome woman, Mrs. Cheveley! Lady Basildon Stiffly. Please don’t praise other women in our presence. You might wait for us to do that! Lord Goring I did wait. Mrs. Marchmont Well, we are not going to praise her. I hear she went to the Opera on Monday night, and told Tommy Rufford at supper that, as far as she could see, London Society was entirely made up of dowdies and dandies. Lord Goring She is quite right, too. The men are all dowdies and the women are all dandies, aren’t they? Mrs. Marchmont After a pause. Oh! do you really think that is what Mrs. Cheveley meant? Lord Goring Of course. And a very sensible remark for Mrs. Cheveley to make, too. Enter Mabel Chiltern. She joins the group. Mabel Chiltern Why are you talking about Mrs. Cheveley? Everybody is talking about Mrs. Cheveley! Lord Goring says⁠—what did you say, Lord Goring, about Mrs. Cheveley? Oh! I remember, that she was a genius in the daytime and a beauty at night. Lady Basildon What a horrid combination! So very unnatural! Mrs. Marchmont In her most dreamy manner. I like looking at geniuses, and listening to beautiful people. Lord Goring Ah! that is morbid of you, Mrs. Marchmont! Mrs. Marchmont Brightening to a look of real pleasure. I am so glad to hear you say that. Marchmont and I have