The School for Scandal

a divorce! I’ll make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors. Let us separate, madam. Lady Teazle Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple, and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you⁠—so, by! by! Exit. Sir Peter Plagues and tortures! Can’t I make her angry either! Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I’ll not bear her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart, but she shan’t keep her temper. Exit.

Scene II

A room in Charles Surface’s house.

	Enter Trip, Moses, and Sir Oliver Surface.
Trip	Here, Master Moses! if you’ll stay a moment, I’ll try whether⁠—what’s the gentleman’s name?
Sir Oliver	Mr. Moses, what is my name? Aside to Moses.
Moses	Mr. Premium.
Trip	Premium⁠—Very well.
	Exit Trip, taking snuff.
Sir Oliver	To judge by the servants, one wouldn’t believe the master was ruined. But what!⁠—sure, this was my brother’s house?
Moses	Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, pictures, etc., just as the old gentleman left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece of extravagance in him.
Sir Oliver	In my mind, the other’s economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half.
	Reenter Trip.
Trip	My master says you must wait, gentlemen: he has company, and can’t speak with you yet.
Sir Oliver	If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he would not send such a message?
Trip	Yes, yes, sir; he knows you are here⁠—I did not forget little Premium: no, no, no.
Sir Oliver	Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be your name?
Trip	Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your service.
Sir Oliver	Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I guess?
Trip	Why, yes⁠—here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear⁠—and not very great either⁠—but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets!12
Sir Oliver	Bags and bouquets! halters and bastinadoes. Aside.
Trip	And apropos, Moses⁠—have you been able to get me that little bill discounted?
Sir Oliver	Wants to raise money too!⁠—mercy on me! Has his distresses too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns. Aside.
Moses	’T was not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip.
Trip	Good lack, you surprise me! My friend Brush has endorsed it, and I thought when he put his name at the back of a bill ’twas the same as cash.
Moses	No, ’t wouldn’t do.
Trip	A small sum⁠—but twenty pounds. Hark’ee, Moses, do you think you couldn’t get it me by way of annuity?
Sir Oliver	An annuity! ha! ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity! Well done, luxury, egad! Aside.
Moses	Well, but you must insure your place.
Trip	Oh, with all my heart! I’ll insure my place and my life too, if you please.
Sir Oliver	It is more than I would your neck. Aside.
Moses	But is there nothing you could deposit?
Trip	Why, nothing capital of my master’s wardrobe has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption before November⁠—or you shall have the reversion of the French velvet,13 or a post-obit on the blue and silver;⁠—these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security⁠—hey, my little fellow?
Moses	Well, well. Bell rings.
Trip	Egad, I heard the bell! I believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce you. Don’t forget the annuity, little Moses! This way, gentlemen, I’ll insure my place, you know.
Sir Oliver	Aside. If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed!
	Exeunt.

Scene III

Another room in the same.

	Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered drinking.
Charles Surface	’Fore heaven, ’tis true!⁠—there’s the great degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but, plague on’t, they won’t drink.
Careless	It is so, indeed, Charles! they give in to all the substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably! for now, instead of the social spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their conversation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, which has all the pertness and flatulency of champagne, without its spirit or flavour.
1st Gentleman	But what are they to do who love play better than wine?
Careless	True! there’s Sir Harry diets himself for gaining, and is now under a hazard regimen.
Charles Surface	Then he’ll have the worst of it. What! you wouldn’t train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad, I am never so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of champagne, and I never lose.
All	Hey, what?
Charles Surface	At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing.
2nd Gentleman	Ay, that I believe.
Charles Surface	And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine? ’T is the test by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is the maid that has bewitched you.
Careless	Now then, Charles, be honest, and give us your real favourite.
Charles Surface	Why, I have withheld her only in compassion to you. If I toast her, you must give a round of her peers, which is impossible⁠—on earth.
Careless	Oh! then we’ll find some canonized vestals or heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant!
Charles Surface	Here then, bumpers, you rogues! bumpers! Maria! Maria!⁠—
Sir Harry	Maria who?
Charles Surface	Oh, damn the surname!⁠—’tis too formal to be registered in Love’s calendar⁠—Maria!