The School for Scandal

epub:type="z3998:persona">All Maria! Charles Surface But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have beauty superlative. Careless Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we’ll stand to the toast, though your mistress should want an eye, and you know you have a song will excuse you. Sir Harry

Egad, so I have! and I’ll give him the song instead of the lady.14

Song

Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here’s to the widow of fifty;
Here’s to the flaunting extravagant quean,
And here’s to the housewife that’s thrifty.

Chorus. Let the toast pass⁠—
Drink to the lass,
I’ll warrant she’ll prove an excuse for the glass.

Here’s to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
Now to the maid who has none, sir:
Here’s to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
And here’s to the nymph with but one, sir.

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc.

Here’s to the maid with a bosom of snow:
Now to her that’s as brown as a berry,
Here’s to the wife with a face full of woe,
And now to the damsel that’s merry.

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc.

For let ’em be clumsy, or let ’em be slim,
Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
And let us e’en toast them together.

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc.

All Bravo! bravo! Enter Trip, and whispers Charles Surface. Charles Surface Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little⁠—Careless, take the chair, will you? Careless Nay, prithee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by chance? Charles Surface No, faith! To tell you the truth, ’tis a Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment. Careless Oh, damn it! let’s have the Jew in. 1st Gentleman Ay, and the broker too, by all means. 2nd Gentleman Yes, yes, the Jew and the broker. Charles Surface Egad, with all my heart!⁠—Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. — Exit Trip. Though there’s one of them a stranger, I can tell you. Careless Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they’ll grow conscientious. Charles Surface Oh, hang ’em, no! wine does but draw forth a man’s natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their knavery. Reenter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. Charles Surface So, honest Moses; walk in, pray, Mr. Premium⁠—that’s the gentleman’s name, isn’t it, Moses? Moses Yes, sir. Charles Surface Set chairs, Trip.⁠—Sit down, Mr. Premium.⁠—Glasses, Trip.⁠— Gives chairs and glasses, and exit. Sit down, Moses.⁠—Come, Mr. Premium, I’ll give you a sentiment; here’s Success to usury!⁠—Moses, fill the gentleman a bumper. Moses Success to usury! Drinks. Careless Right, Moses⁠—usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed. Sir Oliver Then⁠—here’s all the success it deserves! Drinks. Careless No, no, that won’t do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper. 1st Gentleman A pint bumper, at least. Moses Oh, pray, sir, consider⁠—Mr. Premium’s a gentleman.15 Careless And therefore loves good wine. 2nd Gentleman Give Moses a quart glass⁠—this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair. Careless Here, now for ’t! I’ll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle. Sir Oliver Nay, pray, gentlemen⁠—I did not expect this usage. Charles Surface No, hang it, you shan’t; Mr. Premium’s a stranger. Sir Oliver Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. Aside. Careless Plague on ’em! if they won’t drink, we’ll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.⁠—Charles, you’ll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen? Charles Surface I will! I will!⁠— Exeunt Sir Harry Bumper and Gentlemen; Careless following. Careless! Careless Returning. Well! Charles Surface Perhaps I may want you. Careless Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, ’tis all the same to me.⁠— Exit. Moses Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is⁠— Charles Surface Pshaw! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he’ll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty percent sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony. Sir Oliver Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments. Charles Surface Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best. Sir Oliver Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he’s an unconscionable dog. Isn’t he, Moses? Moses But you can’t help that. Sir Oliver And must sell stock to accommodate you. — Mustn’t he, Moses? Moses Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie! Charles Surface Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn’t to be bought without paying for ’t! Sir Oliver Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose? Charles Surface Not a molehill, nor a twig, but what’s in the bough-pots out of the window! Sir Oliver Nor any stock, I presume? Charles Surface Nothing but live stock⁠—and that’s only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections? Sir Oliver Why, to say truth, I am. Charles Surface Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations? Sir Oliver That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is