The Way of the World

tell you that. My contract went no farther than a little mouth-glue, and that’s hardly dry⁠—one doleful sigh more from my fellow-traveller and ’tis dissolved. Lady Wishfort Well, nephew, upon your account⁠—Ah, he has a false insinuating tongue!⁠—Well, sir, I will stifle my just resentment at my nephew’s request.⁠—I will endeavour what I can to forget, but on proviso that you resign the contract with my niece immediately. Mirabell It is in writing and with papers of concern; but I have sent my servant for it, and will deliver it to you, with all acknowledgments for your transcendent goodness. Lady Wishfort Aside. Oh, he has witchcraft in his eyes and tongue!⁠—When I did not see him I could have bribed a villain to his assassination; but his appearance rakes the embers which have so long lain smothered in my breast.

Scene III

The same.

	Lady Wishfort, Mrs. Millamant, Sir Wilfull, Mirabell, Fainall, and Mrs. Marwood.
Fainall	Your date of deliberation, madam, is expired. Here is the instrument; are you prepared to sign?
Lady Wishfort	If I were prepared, I am not impowered. My niece exerts a lawful claim, having matched herself by my direction to Sir Wilfull.
Fainall	That sham is too gross to pass on me⁠—though ’tis imposed on you, madam.
Mrs. Millamant	Sir, I have given my consent.
Mirabell	And, sir, I have resigned my pretensions.
Sir Wilful	And, sir, I assert my right; and will maintain it in defiance of you, sir, and of your instrument. S’heart, an you talk of an instrument sir, I have an old fox108 by my thigh shall hack your instrument of ram vellum to shreds, sir. It shall not be sufficient for a mittimus109 or a tailor’s measure; therefore withdraw your instrument, sir, or, by’r Lady, I shall draw mine.
Lady Wishfort	Hold, nephew, hold!
Mrs. Millamant	Good Sir Wilfull, respite your valour.
Fainall	Indeed? Are you provided of your guard, with your single beef-eater there? But I’m prepared for you, and insist upon my first proposal. You shall submit your own estate to my management, and absolutely make over my wife’s to my sole use, as pursuant to the purport and tenor of this other covenant. I suppose, madam, your consent is not requisite in this case; nor, Mr. Mirabell, your resignation; nor, Sir Wilfull, your right. You may draw your fox if you please, sir, and make a bear-garden flourish110 somewhere else; for here it will not avail. This, my Lady Wishfort, must be subscribed, or your darling daughter’s turned adrift, like a leaky hulk to sink or swim, as she and the current of this lewd town can agree.
Lady Wishfort	Is there no means, no remedy, to stop my ruin? Ungrateful wretch! Dost thou not owe thy being, thy subsistance, to my daughter’s fortune?
Fainall	I’ll answer you when I have the rest of it in my possession.
Mirabell	But that you would not accept of a remedy from my hands⁠—I own I have not deserved you should owe any obligation to me; or else, perhaps, I could devise⁠—
Lady Wishfort	Oh, what? what? To save me and my child from ruin, from want, I’ll forgive all that’s past; nay, I’ll consent to anything to come, to be delivered from this tyranny.
Mirabell	Aye, madam; but that is too late, my reward is intercepted. You have disposed of her who only could have made me a compensation for all my services. But be it as it may, I am resolved I’ll serve you; you shall not be wronged in this savage manner.
Lady Wishfort	How! dear Mr. Mirabell, can you be so generous at last! But it is not possible. Harkee, I’ll break my nephew’s match; you shall have my niece yet, and all her fortune, if you can but save me from this imminent danger.
Mirabell	Will you? I take you at your word. I ask no more. I must have leave for two criminals to appear.
Lady Wishfort	Aye, aye, anybody, anybody!
Mirabell	Foible is one, and a penitent.
	Enter Mrs. Fainall, Foible, and Mincing.
Mrs. Marwood	Oh, my shame! Mirabell and Lady Wishfort go to Mrs. Fainall and Foible. These corrupt things are brought hither to expose me. To Fainall.
Fainall	If it must all come out, why let ’em know it, ’tis but the way of the world. That shall not urge me to relinquish or abate one tittle of my terms; no, I will insist the more.
Foible	Yes, indeed, madam; I’ll take my bible-oath of it.
Mincing	And so will I, mem.
Lady Wishfort	O Marwood, Marwood, art thou false? My friend deceive me! Hast thou been a wicked accomplice with that profligate man?
Mrs. Marwood	Have you so much ingratitude and injustice to give credit, against your friend, to the aspersions of two such mercenary trulls?
Mincing	Mercenary, mem? I scorn your words. ’Tis true we found you and Mr. Fainall in the blue garret; by the same token, you swore us to secrecy upon Messalinas’s poems.111 Mercenary! No, if we would have been mercenary, we should have held our tongues; you would have bribed us sufficiently.
Fainall	Go, you are an insignificant thing!⁠—Well, what are you the better for this? Is this Mr. Mirabell’s expedient? I’ll be put off no longer.⁠—You, thing, that was a wife, shall smart for this! I will not leave thee wherewithal to hide thy shame; your body shall be naked as your reputation.
Mrs. Fainall	I despise you and defy your malice!⁠—you have aspersed me wrongfully⁠—I have proved your falsehood⁠—go, you and your treacherous⁠—I will not name it, but starve together⁠—perish!
Fainall	Not while you are worth a groat, indeed, my dear.⁠—Madam, I’ll be fooled no longer.
Lady Wishfort	Ah, Mr. Mirabell, this is small comfort, the detection of this affair.
Mirabell	Oh, in good time⁠—your leave for the other offender and penitent to appear, madam.
	Enter Waitwell with a box of writings.
Lady Wishfort	O Sir Rowland!⁠—Well, rascal?
Waitwell	What your ladyship pleases. I have brought the black box at last, madam.
Mirabell	Give it me.⁠—Madam, you remember your promise.