The Merry Wives of Windsor

court: he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. Exit.

Scene V

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Host and Simple.
Host	What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simple	Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.
Host	Points. There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call; he’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee; knock, I say.
Simple	There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host	Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call. Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Falstaff	Above. How now, mine host?
Host	Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie! privacy? fie!
	Enter Falstaff.
Falstaff	There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with, me; but she’s gone.
Simple	Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford?
Falstaff	Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
Simple	My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.
Falstaff	I spake with the old woman about it.
Simple	And what says she, I pray, sir?
Falstaff	Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
Simple	I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
Falstaff	What are they? Let us know.
Host	Ay, come; quick.
Simple	I may not conceal them, sir.
Falstaff	Threatening him. Conceal them, or thou diest.
Simple	Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
Falstaff	’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
Simple	What sir?
Falstaff	To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
Simple	May I be bold to say so, sir?
Falstaff	Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold?
Simple	I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings.
	Exit Simple.
Host	Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?
Falstaff	Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
	Enter Bardolph, mired and breathless.
Bardolph	Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host	Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.
Bardolph	Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host	They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
	Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Sir Hugh Evans	Where is mine host?
Host	What is the matter, sir?
Sir Hugh Evans	Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
	Exit Sir Hugh Evans.
	Enter Doctor Caius.
Doctor Caius	Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host	Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
Doctor Caius	I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I tell you for good will: Adieu.
	Exit Doctor Caius.
Host	Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone!
	Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
Falstaff	I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
	Now! whence come you?
Mistress Quickly	From the two parties, forsooth.
Falstaff	The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.
Mistress Quickly	And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
Falstaff	What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.
Mistress Quickly	Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is