The Merry Wives of Windsor

cheese to come. Exeunt.

Scene III

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
Falstaff	Sets down his cup of sack. Mine host of the Garter!
Host	Turns. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
Falstaff	Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host	Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
Falstaff	I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host	Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?
Falstaff	Do so, good mine host.
Host	I have spoke; let him follow. To Bardolph. Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
	Exit Host.
Falstaff	Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bardolph	It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
Pistol	O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
	Exit Bardolph.
Nym	He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
Falstaff	I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer⁠—he kept not time.
Nym	The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest.
Pistol	“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase!
Falstaff	Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pistol	Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Falstaff	There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
Pistol	Young ravens must have food.
Falstaff	Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pistol	I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
Falstaff	My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pistol	Two yards, and more.
Falstaff	No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
Pistol	He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English.
Nym	The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
Falstaff	Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.
Pistol	As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I.
Nym	The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.
Falstaff	I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pistol	Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym	I thank thee for that humour.
Falstaff	O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. To Pistol. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; To Nym. and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pistol	Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all!
Nym	I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
	They throw letters on the table.
Falstaff	Rising. To Robin. Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of this age; French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.
	Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.
Pistol	Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguile the rich and poor; Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym	I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
Pistol	Wilt thou revenge?
Nym	By welkin and her star!
Pistol	With wit or steel?
Nym	With both the humours, I: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
Pistol	And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.
Nym	My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
Pistol	Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on.
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

A room in Doctor Caius’s house, a door in back leading to a small closet; two other doors, one leading to the street with a window beside it.

	Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple.
Mistress Quickly	Calling. What, John Rugby!
	Enter Rugby.
	I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.
Rugby	I’ll go watch.
Mistress Quickly	Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
	Rugby goes to window.
	An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple