“Lux?” Hana’s voice called out from behind me, suddenly inside the room. I scowled at the intrusion as I dropped Lia’s hand, then turned around with the best smile I could offer. “Would you like some lunch, Lux?”
“Lunch?” I asked, confused.
“Yes, lunch,” she answered softly. “Here.” I blinked at her, fighting to resolve the image before me as my eyes blurred from disuse. A plate appeared in my lap with a chunk of braised meat over a bed of greens. “You need to eat, Lux,” she said, pushing the plate towards me.
“I’m not hungry,” I muttered, staring at the plate disinterestedly. While the statement was true, and I felt no hunger pangs despite my refusal to eat, I knew she was right. “Thanks anyway.”
Hana set the plate down on the bedside table, then knelt down on the floor to meet my eyes. “Lia wouldn’t want you to waste away on her account. You know that, don’t you?”
“I think Lia would want to be awake right now,” I countered. “That’s what I know.”
“But she isn’t awake right now, and unless your fasting is going to wake her up sooner, there’s no reason for it.” Her voice took on a harsh quality I hadn’t heard from her before. “Lia made the decision to go with you; she’s always known the risks, and she’s always gone with you anyway. Starving yourself because you think this is your fault is foolish.”
You don’t know. The taste of bile crept up from the back of my throat. “After everything I’ve lived through, hunger isn’t going to be the thing that kills me, Hana, but your concern is noted.” I looked between her, the plate, and the door. “Is there anything else?”
Her nostrils flared. “No.” She stood and returned to the door, pausing before she left. “You aren’t the only person here who cares about Marlia, Lux. You’d do well to remember that.” The door clicked shut behind her as she left me to brood over the indictment.
My head fell as I turned back to the bed, and I rapped my knuckles against my head in a painful staccato rhythm. Why did I do that? I looked over to the lunch Hana had brought me and immediately felt sick at the thought of eating. I’m falling apart. It’s been less than a day, and I’m falling apart. I instinctively reached out to find comfort in Lia’s aura, but her consciousness was still hidden from me somewhere deep within her core as she recovered. The absence I found in place of her presence was a dagger in my chest. I need you. Please.
A sudden burst of desperation seized me, and I crossed the room to our bureau where I had left her diary. You’re in here. I brought the book back with me to my chair and lovingly ran my thumb across the blank leather cover. My eyes flicked up to Lia’s, and I watched her chest gently rise and fall as she slept. “Sorry,” I said under my breath as I flipped open the journal.
“Father tried to set me up with another man today. Again! Even when I told him after the last three that I’m NOT. INTERESTED. I don’t even remember his name this time. He kissed my hand and recited some awful poem for me when he came to the house. ‘You’re as lovely as the Prime of Light, radiant and pure like…’ I already forgot the rest. Just...yuck. But then, as soon as we were alone, he wouldn’t stop talking about my father! Questions about his business, and about where he travels to, and who he works with. I thought I was as lovely as the Prime of Light! Shouldn’t we be talking about that? I guess none of that really matters, though, because I told him he was stupid and kicked him out of the house. Father was mad, but I think Mother thought it was funny. Hopefully Father will get the message now and stop trying to find me a match. I don’t need to get married anyways; I’ll take over Father’s business and run it all by myself, just like Aunt Ellie.”
A genuine smile crossed my face as I set the journal on my knee. “Is that why you liked me, Lia? Because I wasn’t interested in Marten’s business?”I laughed as I took her hand and squeezed it lightly. “I didn’t know you wanted to take over his business. I think you’d be great at it, apart from getting bored. There’s not a lot of sword fighting as a merchant.”I reveled in the distraction that the idea provided, imagining the two of us as merchant traders on a cross-country adventure. “Maybe that’ll be us someday.”
The solace I found in the journal’s pages wore off as my intrusive thoughts returned. My meditations were continually interrupted by flashes of our fight in the forest and the words Amaya’s voice had spoken to me. I brought her here. I filled her with death. This was my fault. The thoughts quickly overwhelmed me, and I opened my eyes with a gasp to find that the sun had long since set. I opened up the diary to a new page with shaking hands and read on through the darkness.
“I don’t even know how to start this...so many things happened before we left for Attetsia. We were trading questions before bed, like we used to, and I asked about that thing he said to Valandra: ‘getting sent away
