Weeks later, at a typical high school party, Hillary pushed Penny into me and we bumbled our way into a kiss. There had been the pressure of her hands against my shoulders, softness and warmth over my lips, a strange little shock running down my spine, and then it had been over. I hadn’t exactly participated.
Penny ran from the room crying. I cussed out Hillary and chased after Penny. When I found her, she was more composed but still humiliated. She barely looked at me. I apologized, although I wasn’t sure why. I just wanted to make everything better, I guess. Then, all of a sudden—
“Do you like me, Charlie?”
“Um. Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
And the rest was, as they say, history.
But that was high school. That was child’s play. This was a whole new game with a completely different girl. Too bad I was the same dumbass on the inside.
“It’s your turn, Charlie boy.”
I looked up from my cards, which I realized I’d been staring holes through for the past few minutes.
Cocking her head to the side, Esmer smiled almost mischievously. “Ball’s in your court.”
I glanced at her lips. They shimmered. Was she wearing gloss? When had she put that on? What would it taste like? I swallowed. My throat was painfully dry. Was it warmer in the room too?
I slapped my cards down over the coffee table and stood, muttering something about the bathroom. Instead, I walked to the back door, opened it and stepped out. The cold air was refreshing. I closed my eyes and just breathed it in. I felt the chill in my lungs. Focusing on the simple act of bringing oxygen in and blowing carbon dioxide out, I managed to slow my thoughts. And get my heart out of my esophagus. Still, the questions remained.
What was I going to do? More importantly: what did I want to do and could I do it without messing everything up?
June 29th, 1960
Ever since we ran from our brethren’s presence, I have been thinking. Thinking about why we run. Why not stay? Why not seek out? It is fear that I’m not strong enough to fight off my brothers and sisters. It’s fear of losing Dymeka. I could not survive without him. I have known this since we married.
That was simply our culture. The men hunted and provided for our tribe. Unmarried women, who were not physically strong enough to join the hunt, lived with their fathers or brothers. But if there was not enough food, those without partners could not eat. There were many times I did not eat when I was a teenager. On many occasions, I could only eat what I foraged for myself. But after Dymeka married me, he gave me more than I could ever have asked for. He fed me more times a day than he fed himself. I, in turn, would always build him a shelter farther away from our tribe so we could enjoy every solitary moment together, every moment he was not away hunting or any moment we were not with our friends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t give him the one thing other wives could: children.
Of course, thanks to modern medicine, doctors say, it could have easily been Dymeka who could not have children, but I cannot shake the thought ingrained in me by my culture. I still think of myself as barren.
But I digress. I fear losing Dymeka, not because I cannot provide for myself, but because I could not survive without his love and support. His kind words. His unwavering loyalty. His never-ending love. His dedication to us as a couple.
But I don’t want to run forever.
I want to seek out.
I think, instead of running from my brethren’s presence, we should attempt to seek out Death again. I know, much like the last time we sought answers, it could very well lead to nothing. But perhaps if we seek out those who will die soon, we might catch a stronger sense of Death. Maybe she will reveal herself more to us if we find her while she claims the souls of the dying. I don’t know how to tell Dymeka. I hope he agrees to my strange request. After all, we spent years with holy men. I do not know if he will be willing to be among the dying.
Chapter 23
Esmeralda
“You should go talk to him.”
I listed my head to the side. “What?”
Jasmine selected a card from her hand and tucked it in the opposite end of her fan. Then she gave me a thin smile. “If I know my brother, and I do, he’s probably outside hyperventilating and over-thinking your entire relationship right now.”
Wow. I must’ve been more transparent than I thought.
“I overdid it.” It wasn’t really a question.
“Just a bit.” Jasmine crossed her legs before leaning her elbow against her knees. She fanned her cards off to the side as she glanced in the direction her brother had gone. “It’s been too long since he’s had a friend. He’s not going to want to do anything that might make you walk away, despite how he feels about you. You’re the only girl who’s expressed an interest in him in years. It has to be a little overwhelming, not to mention intimidating.”
“Intimidating?”
Jasmine full-on grinned. “Well, look at you. Gorgeous, street-smart, fun, fearless, experienced; everything he’s convinced he’s not. And now you’re heavily suggesting you’d like to take things to the next level?” She raised her hands, momentarily flashing her cards, and bent forward at the waist in a bow. “Not worthy, not worthy!”
“I guess I didn’t think of it that way,” I said with a chuckle. “I just wanted to see how he’d react, find out if he liked me.”
“Oh, of course he does.” There was a somber weight to her
