I groaned sympathetically while chewing.
Charlie’s shudder made his whole body convulse. “The whole night was awkward as hell.” He spooned up some more cake before gesturing to me. “Your turn.”
“I once walked in on my brother and his girlfriend getting it on. She thought I was there to join them.” I grinned at Charlie’s look of horror. “Top that.”
He lowered his spoon over the plate. “Well, I just lost my appetite.”
I chuckled, and then sprayed one last dollop of whipped cream into my mouth before setting the can aside. Then I stretched my arms up above my head and fell back into the mattress. When he didn’t join me right away, I reached out and grasped at the empty air, the universal sign for “gimmie.”
Charlie moved the plate with the last bit of cake out of the way and then crawled over to lie down next to me. I was warm and comfy and full. With his arms around me, I was starting to feel drowsy. I pressed my face into the collar of his shirt and closed my eyes.
“So you’re really not going back to Boston?”
I felt the vibrations in his throat against my forehead. It made me smile. “Nope.”
“Are you sure? I mean, it’s your home. Seattle is just where I am.”
I peered up at him, poking a finger against his sternum. “I said I wasn’t going nowhere and I meant it. Besides, Boston hasn’t been home since my dad died. Now it’s just where Hunter and the gang are. You know, people I’d rather not see ever again. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t live with the choices she’s made.” I drew little circles over his flannel. The next few words I had to say were slowly making their way up my throat, sending signal flares of nerves and awkwardness and embarrassment through my body. But they needed to be said so I forged on. “Being here, with you and Aunt Dinah, has made me feel happy and safe for the first time in a long time. I ain’t giving that up for nothing.”
Charlie tilted my chin up so I could see the enormous grin on his face. “Esmer, I—” Next thing I knew, he was kissing me, squeezing me so hard that my ribs hurt and my knee complained.
I gasped against his lips.
He immediately let go. “Christ! I’m sorry.”
“It’s a’ight,” I said with a laugh.
Charlie touched my forehead with his, still wearing that big smile. “I adore you, Esmeralda Barnes.”
I’d felt a little thrill when I’d told him that. Hearing him say those words back to me was even better.
Before I knew it, we were making out again, more fiercely and more urgently than ever. I couldn’t kiss him long enough, squeeze his hair tight enough, or hold him close enough to satisfy my sudden visceral need to be a part of him. Wrapped up in his body. At the mercy of his curious hands and ravenous lips.
I had never felt like this with Marty.
It was like being tossed outside, into the freezing rain. The fire in my gut winked out. Because there had been a time when Marty had made me feel like that.
The night I lost my virginity, Marty had been irresistibly sweet and attentive. I’d believed that he loved me, that he would always treat me so tenderly. He was a completely different person the second time around. Demanding. Forceful. Downright terrifying. I remembered crying myself to sleep that night, hugging my torso as tightly as I could, afraid that I’d fall apart if I didn’t. I’d felt like my soul had been torn to shreds. He’d drained everything I had and then walked away like it meant nothing.
I tried talking to him about it. He apologized, made excuses, said it wouldn’t happen again. But it did. From that moment onward, he hadn’t been afraid to show me who he truly was. There had been no need to pretend anymore. I’d proven I was gullible enough to believe his lies, so desperate for love and acceptance and belonging that I’d give him my all. I knew I couldn’t break up with him, not without getting the same treatment as any other gang deserter. So I created an armor of apathy. Did whatever he wanted to keep his Mr. Hyde personality at bay. When I found out he was sleeping with any other willing bitch in the neighborhood, I forced myself not to care. It was the only way to survive our relationship. Until the day my mom gave Hunter permission to send me to Seattle.
I got a clean break. But not really.
Even now, while being held by one of the best people I’d ever met, the tattered pieces of my soul were crying out. Reminding me of every sickening memory and debilitating feeling I’d been trying so hard to bury.
Charlie leaned back, no doubt sensing the change in me. “What’s wrong?”
I wound my arms around his neck, tears making the ceiling blur above me. It was time to ‘fess up, admit everything that had happened with Marty. How messed up I was as a result. Charlie had just survived meeting my mom and stepdad. Maybe he was strong enough to carry this with me.
I knew it would be different with Charlie. He was Marty’s opposite in so many ways. He genuinely cared for me. I believed that. Still, imagining myself going through with it, being so vulnerable with someone again, even with Charlie…it made me want to curl up into a ball and breathe into a paper bag.
My boyfriend leaned back a little, gently breaking free from my embrace in order to look at me. “Esmer?”
“I have to tell you something.” I sat up, forcing him to give me some more room. I wiped my eyes. Gulped in as much air as I could. Lifted my gaze to meet his. “It’s about Marty.”
Charlie looked down at the bedspread. “You
