I slowly stood up. “I love you.” But I’m ready to move on.I touched the top of her gravestone. And then patted Uncle Jim’s too beforewalking out of the graveyard. I wasn’t going to waste another second of mylife. I slid the engagement ring into my pocket. I needed to talk to Kennedy.
Chapter 45
Saturday
Kennedy
The teakettle started whistling. I immediately pulled it offthe stove before it made too much noise. My mom was sleeping and I didn’t wantto wake her. But I couldn’t sleep. And tea always seemed to help.
I poured the hot water into a mug and added a tea bag. Iwiped the tears off my cheeks. I wasn’t sure how much tea would help the factthat I couldn’t stop crying.
“Mi amor, what are you doing up this late?”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “I’m sorry, Mama. DidI wake you?” I cleared my throat. “I just needed some tea. You should go backto sleep.”
“Kennedy.” She lightly touched my chin so that I’d look ather. “Why the tears?”
I couldn’t help my bottom lip shaking. “I messed everythingup.”
“Nunca.” She pulled my head down onto her shoulder. “Youcouldn’t possibly.”
“I did.”
She rubbed her hand up and down my back. “Was it Matt? Did hehurt you?”
I lifted my head. “No.” I shook my head. “No, nothing likethat.” I sniffed. “Quite the opposite.” It was scary to say the words I neededto say out loud. It made them too real. It made it so easy for me to get hurt. Butif I couldn’t even say them to my mom, how would I ever say them to Matt? “Ithink I might love him.”
My mom just nodded. And then turned and poured herself a cupof tea too. “Tell me everything.” She sat down on the couch.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I sat down next to her. “Iwasn’t even going to look him up when I got back to the city. But we ran intoeach other. And one thing led to another. And…I just…he understands me. Herespects me, Mama. He’s kind and caring. And everything I’ve never had before. ButI don’t know what I’m doing. He was engaged to Brooklyn. What the hell am Idoing?”
My mom grabbed my hand. “Life is short. And you can’t helpwho you love. But you can help if you curse.”
I would have laughed if my insides weren’t all twisted up. “ButMatt? I can’t fall in love with him. It’s wrong.”
“I think the damage is already done.”
I shook my head.
“Mija.” She held my hand between hers. “You said you’refalling in love with him. Has he fallen too?”
“I think so.” I thought about how he didn’t deny loving mewhen I brought up what Tanner had said. And how he’d kissed me. And how he’dkept pursuing me even after I tried to stop it. I tried. I did. But I didn’twant to fight it anymore.
Matthew Caldwell wasn’t mine to have. But it had happened anyway.“She’d be so angry with me.”
“The dead can’t talk.”
“I visited her grave. And there were so many dead flowers onit. I think he visits her all the time. I think I’m falling in love withsomeone who will never love me most. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keepchoosing the wrong people?”
“He’s not wrong people. He’s a good boy.”
“But not for me. I feel so guilty. It feels like the guilt isgoing to swallow me whole. My stomach is twisted in knots and I can’t sleep. I’mmiserable. Love isn’t supposed to feel this way.”
“That’s because you’re fighting it. Feel happy, mi amor. Behappy. You deserve everything in this world. You deserve to be happy ifhappiness finds you. Embrace it.”
I’d been through so much pain. And therapy. I’d spent yearstrying to piece myself back together after what happened with Cupcake. I feltlike I was finally okay. And I wasn’t sure if I’d felt that way before Matt hadcrashed back into my life. I told him I couldn’t fix him. But what if he’dfixed me? I loved him for that alone. “But he can’t possibly love me. Brooklynwas his one great love.”
“Fairy tales.” She shook her head. “He’ll love youdifferently. The way you need to be loved. Different isn’t less.”
Different isn’t less. I didn’t know if that was true. ButI wanted it to be. Because no matter how torn up I was inside, I didn’t knowhow to tell Matt no. I’d tried. But he’d broken down all my walls. I couldn’tget him out of my head. And I didn’t want to. Even though I knew he shouldn’tbe there. Not in that way. God, what am I doing? “I miss her so much.”
“I know.” She pulled me into her side. “Me too.” She kissedthe top of my head and yawned.
“It’s okay, Mama. You can go to bed. I’m going to be fine.”
She slowly stood up. Slower than she used to move. I triednot to let that worry me.
“You have nothing to fear.” She patted my cheek. “He alreadypromised me he wouldn’t break your heart.”
“He did?” He’d promised her that? When? That night heslept over.
“Sí. He loves you too. A mother knows these things.”
He loves me too. I wanted her to be right. Desperately.And I didn’t really have any reason to doubt it. He’d asked me to be hisgirlfriend. I was the one pushing him away. Not the other way around.
My mom kissed the top of my head.
“Goodnight,” I said to her as she retreated back to her room.
I leaned my head back on the couch. “Give me a sign,Brooklyn,” I said into the silence. “Tell me it’s okay.” Because it hadn’t feltokay at her grave. It felt like I was stomping all over her memory. And I neverwanted to do that. I loved her.
