I smiled at her. “I don’t think you’re broken either.”
She looked down at her stomach. “But I actually am.”
“You’re not, Penny. You’re perfect.”
Her fingers splayed across her stomach. “I’m not. No one’sperfect. But I do believe that everyone has a perfect fit. Someone that seestheir flaws as anything but. And that’s what James is for me. And maybe that’swhat Kennedy is for you. She’s seen you at your lowest lows. And she stilllooks at you with stars in her eyes.”
“It’s wrong, right? To be in love with Brooklyn’s best friend?”
Penny smiled. “I don’t know. You’re one of James’ bestfriends and rumor has it that you had a crush on me.”
I laughed. “You’re never going to let me live that down, areyou?”
“Probably not. But in all seriousness, I think that if you keephiding out in here…” she gestured around the room, “…instead of taking a chanceon something that could be great? You’ll regret it. More than you regret thelast 16 years of pushing everyone away.”
“I don’t want her to fade away. I don’t want her to thinkthat I stopped loving her. I’ll always love her too.”
“She may fade away a little. But she’ll never fade awaycompletely. She’s a part of you. But you have to say goodbye. You can’t keepcoming into this room and agonizing about the past. You have to see that that’snot healthy. You’re amazingly talented. But this…it’s a lot, Matt.”
I’d been afraid for anyone to see this room. I thought myfriends would get me shipped off to a loony bin. Which was a valid fear. Becausethis was legit crazy. What was I doing? Wallowing my life away? Penny wasright. I needed to say goodbye. But I couldn’t do that here. “You’re right. Iknow what I have to do.”
Penny nodded.
“But could you maybe just sit here with me for a while?” Iasked.
“Of course. Tell me more about her.”
I smiled. I had a million stories to fill the time. And I’dalways found it easy to talk to Penny. She always listened. Staring at me withher big blue eyes. I stared into them for a second. They were the same color asBrooklyn’s. Almost the exact same hue. I blinked and turned back to one of thepaintings as I told Penny about the performance I did on the homecoming floatto win Brooklyn back.
“You’re a terrible singer,” Penny said with a laugh. “I can’tbelieve you did that.”
“I’m not a terrible singer.”
She stared at me. “Please.”
I laughed.
It was so weird. For years I’d been jealous of James’ life. I’dresented him for having everything I wanted when it felt like he’d stolen itfrom me. But sitting here right now with Penny? I wouldn’t have had it anyother way. I’d needed Penny. As a friend. And if James hadn’t met her, I thinkI probably would have still been stuck.
Penny was a terrible matchmaker. But she was one hell of agood friend.
***
I sat down on Brooklyn’s grave. “Hey.”
The silence of the night was all that greeted me.
I picked up a tulip that was on Brooklyn’s grave. “Kennedy’sback in town. But I guess you already knew that.” I wondered what Kennedy hadtalked to her about when she was here. Had she apologized for falling for me? That’swhat I thought I’d be doing. But now that I was sitting here, I knew thatwasn’t what I needed to do. I put the tulip back down.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t been living my life. I’m sorry thatI’ve been wasting time. You’d be so pissed at me if you were here.” I smiled.
“I asked you for a sign the last time I was here. And I knowTanner meddled and technically the person I saw here was Jefferson’s mom.” Ishook my head. “But I think you sent Kennedy back here. I think you knew shecould fix me. She was my wake-up call.”
I slowly exhaled. “Everyone knows about our past now. I’msorry I kept you a secret. It’s been really lonely. I’ve been really fucked up,Brooklyn.”
I knew it was crazy, but it felt like she was listening. So Isaid the words I never thought I’d say. “I want a wife. I want kids. I want afamily. And I can’t have any of that with you. I’ll always love you. But Ican’t stop living. You’d hate me for it.”
I swallowed hard. “I think I love her.” I ran my fingersalong the grass to where I thought my aunt’s ring was. The one I’d given toBrooklyn when I’d asked her to marry me. “And I need to see this through. Ineed to give us a chance.” I looked down. The ring was right around here. I hadbeen pissed that Mr. Pruitt had given it back to me. It had belonged here with Brooklyn,so I’d buried it here after her funeral. But I needed it back. I needed myheart back. I let my fingers sink into the dirt, digging tiny holes, until myfingers collided with the ring. I pulled it out. It looked terrible. Caked withmud and grime. I wiped my finger against the diamond and it caught a sparkle inthe moonlight.
“Everyone said time would help. But it hasn’t helped at all. Itwas like I felt guiltier and guiltier every day that went by. Until I wasn’t evensure it was because of my last words to you or because in my heart I knew thatI wanted to live my life again.” I wiped away my tears. “I wanted you. I wantedyou to be my wife. The mother of my kids. My family. But I can’t have you. AndI can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”
“This is goodbye,” I said. “Not forever. I just…need somespace to give Kennedy and me a real chance. You understand, right? You’d wantthis, wouldn’t you?” I’d want it for her. I’d never want her to be miserable. Shecouldn’t possibly want me to keep living in hell.
“I would do
