I wasn’t sure how long I sat there staring. But I felt thewetness on my cheeks. I never did get the blue of Brooklyn’s eyes right in themost recent painting. And I realized right then that I didn’t really rememberhow her eyes looked. She was drifting away. I opened up the photo album thatKennedy had given me all those years ago. But instead of my eyes gravitating toBrooklyn like they always used to, they gravitated to Kennedy. I slammed thealbum closed.
“You paint?”
I turned around to see Penny leaning against the doorjamb. “I’msorry. Your door was unlocked and…”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not.” She sat down next to me on the floor. “Ireally messed up. I…”
“Thought I was gay. Yeah, I got that. I loved all yourevidence too.” I smiled over at her.
She hit her shoulder against mine. “In my defense, I literallysaw you kiss Tanner. What was I supposed to think?”
“It probably would have helped if I’d told you the truthabout Brooklyn.”
“You can tell me now.”
“It’s a long story.”
She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”
“I’m pretty sure I fell in love with her the first moment Iever saw her.” I looked at the painting in front of me with Brooklyn’s smilingface. “She stuck out. Not because of her worn uniform or anything like that. Butbecause she was…she was just a really good person. She wasn’t tainted by this worldyet. She was pure. And perfect. And she was mine.” I filled Penny in on thestory. All the way up to the vows I never got to say to Brooklyn. The ones Isaid at her funeral instead. I even told her our bitter last words to eachother.
I looked over at Penny. She was wiping tears off her cheeks. “Myheart hurts for you.”
It was something exactly like Brooklyn would say.
“I had no idea,” Penny said. “I’m so sorry.”
“How could you have known? I never told you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want you to look at me like you’re lookingat me right now. Like I’m broken.”
She leaned over and hugged me. “I don’t think you’re broken,Matt. I think you’re in pain. And that’s when you’re supposed to let friendsin.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About everything. And while I’m at it. Forthe past few years…I didn’t think of you as a friend. I lied. You remind me ofher. And I think I…I just liked being close to you. I definitely had a littlecrush on you.”
She pulled away from my hug. “Wow, the guys were right? They’renever going to let me live this down.” She laughed even though it was forced. Shetried to wipe her remaining tears away.
“She’s beautiful,” Penny said as she stared at the paintings.
“She was.” I needed to get used to talking about Brooklyn inthe past tense. I needed to get used to talking about her at all.
“So that’s it?” Penny said. “You’re going to keep yourpromise to her and never date anyone else?”
“Would you date someone else if James died?”
She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on oneof them. “That’s an impossible question. If I waited 16 years? Our kids would bein high school and college.” She smiled. “God, 16 years is a long time. I don’tknow how to answer that.” She looked over at me. “My gut reaction is no. Ican’t imagine my life without him. And I’m sorry you’re living your lifewithout her.”
We were both quiet.
“I almost lost him before. And it felt like a piece of myheart had been ripped out. Like I was slowly dying too.” She cringed as if thememory was too painful.
I knew the feeling.
“But James and I have lived a life that I’m proud of. We’re afamily. We have kids. Is that something you want?”
“Yes.” I was so sick of lying to myself. “I really wantthat.”
“You’re not a bad person for wanting that,” she said.
“Am I a bad person for wanting to love someone else?”
“No. Not even a little bit.” She looked over at me. “Theemotional brick wall thing makes sense in this context too. You were trying notto love anyone else.”
“I’ve never loved anyone else. I’ve kept my promise.”
“And now?”
I didn’t respond.
“It’s scary,” she said. “Facing the unknown. But what’s thealternative? Not living?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You should see the way Kennedy looks at you.”
I knew how Kennedy looked at me.
“I’m sorry too,” she said
“What are you sorry about?”
“I gave you this huge lecture about how toxic keeping secretswas. And you were right. I had one too. It’s okay to be scared. I know whatit’s like to have the future you wanted pulled away from you.”
I pressed my lips together.
“And if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I know how tofill up the silence. You were wondering what I’ve been sad about, right?” Sheshrugged. “You thought it was about James. It has nothing to do with him, butalso everything to do with him. He’s given me this amazing life. More than Icould have possibly dreamed of. And I just wanted to give him one thing inreturn.” She closed her eyes. “A house full of children. And I can’t.” Hervoice cracked. “I can’t have any more children.”
Fuck.
She wiped the tears that were trailing down her cheeks andopened up her eyes. “There was a complication with the surgery when I had Liam.I can’t have any more kids. And I’m trying to be fine. I want to be fine. ButI’m not fine. I felt like my future was ripped away from me. And I’m trying tobe strong and I’m trying to be present but some days are harder than others.”
She pulled her knees tighter to her chest. “So now you know. I’mnot crying because I’m unhappy in my marriage. I’m crying because I want togive James the whole world like he’s given me. Because I love him so much thatit hurts. And I love his friends like they’re my own family.” She shook herhead.
I felt about two inches tall. I was so wrapped up in my ownproblems that I hadn’t seen it. “You’re everything to James. He doesn’t needanything else.”
“I know that. He’s told me a
