“I never kissed a…” my voice trailed off. Fucking Tanner.I pulled my hand away from Justin. “This is a big misunderstanding. That wasn’ta kiss. It was just a celebratory peck between two male friends.”
“Yeah…that’s not a thing,” Justin said.
“He’s foreign.”
“Oh. Well then.” Justin shrugged. “Maybe it’s a thing. Butthe question is…did you like it?”
“No.”
“You seem awfully defensive. And a tad too sassy for astraight man if you ask me.”
“Justin, I’m not gay.”
“Someone maybe needs to spend a little more time in thecloset,” he whispered.
“I’m not gay!” I yelled. Oh fuck. People were staringat us. “Not that anything is wrong with that,” I said. “I love gay people.” Shit,this was coming out so wrong.
“I am so sorry,” James said.
I looked up. Where the hell had he come from? He seemed outof breath like he’d just run here from his apartment. “James, what are youdoing here?”
“I came as soon as Penny told me what she’d done. I’m sosorry, man. I had no idea what she was planning. Hey, Justin. Nice to see youagain.” He put out his hand for Justin.
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine,” Justin said. “Are you joiningus too? This is seriously my lucky night.”
“Um. No. I’m just here because…”
“Stop,” Penny said. She was just as winded as James. “You runso freaking fast, James.” She put her hands on her knees, trying to catch herbreath. “Don’t ruin this for Matt. He needs space to find himself.”
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“We support you, Matt,” Penny said. “No matter who you love. AndI know you love men. And Justin’s one of the greatest guys I know…”
“I’m not gay.”
“James.” She turned to him. “Don’t stifle him.”
“I’m not stifling him, baby. Matt isn’t gay.”
“Of course he is,” she said and turned to me. “I’ve finallyput the pieces together. It makes total sense. You passed on so many greatoptions on the dating app. And then someone from your past literally falls intoyour lap and you pass on her too. I’ve rarely seen you with the same girl morethan once. And everyone I’ve ever met that’s slept with you says you’re anemotional brick wall. That’s a quote straight from Jen.”
“Oh God,” James said. “Please don’t bring up my sister bangingMatt.”
“It’s important,” Penny said. “You’re an emotional brick wallduring sex because…you know…you wish you were having sex with men instead.”
“What the fuck?” I said.
“And James and I saw you kissing Tanner at that romanticrestaurant. I’m so sorry he doesn’t want to be more than friends. My hearthurts for you. And I know he cares for you of course, but he’s clearly not gay.”
“Neither am I!”
“Matt. It’s okay. We’re here for you no matter what. And I’mso sorry you never felt comfortable enough to tell us that you’ve been gay thiswhole time. We love you no matter what.”
“I haven’t been secretly gay this whole time. I’ve never beengay,” I added, just to make sure I was being clear enough.
“Well he definitely didn’t use to be gay,” Justin said. “Sincehe was engaged to Brooklyn and everything.”
It felt like all the air left my lungs.
“What?” Penny said. “Brooklyn?” She turned to me. “Who isJustin talking about?”
“His fiancée,” Justin said. “They were high school sweethearts.But she passed away…”
“Stop,” I said. I felt like I was choking.
“Oh my God, Matt.” Penny put her hand over her mouth.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her. It wasn’t supposed tocome out like this. I couldn’t breathe. I got up from the table. I couldn’tlook at any of them. I couldn’t do this right now. I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait, Matt,” Penny said.
“Penny, stop.” James ran after me instead. “Matt!” He caughtup with me outside the restaurant. “I’m sorry. As soon as I found out she sentyou on a blind date with Justin, I tried to stop it.”
“I just need to be alone.” I waved my hand at the valet. Hewent to get my car.
“Where are you going?” James asked.
I didn’t respond.
“Matt?”
I ignored him as the valet pulled my car up and handed me mykeys.
“You’re not the only one that’s ever worried about someoneelse,” James said. “I worried about you back then. After Brooklyn died. I worriedthat you knew what it felt like to not want to keep going too. You were rightabout me. I hated my life. I hated everything. And you looked out for me. Andnow I’m looking out for you.” He grabbed the keys from my hand. “Now where arewe going?”
I wasn’t going to fight with him. “I need to go home.”
“Okay.” He unlocked my car and we both climbed in.
He didn’t say a word to me as he drove through the city streets.Not a single word until he pulled up outside my place and cut the engine. “Brooklynwould have wanted you to be happy.”
“I meant what I said last night. I am happy.”
“You don’t look happy, man,” James said.
“I feel guilty. For moving on. I can’t help it. I am happy,but I feel like shit for being happy.”
“We all like Kennedy,” James said.
I looked over at him.
“You weren’t fooling anyone with that ‘just friends’ stunt. Exceptfor Penny I guess.”
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“I used to feel guilty too. For being happy. For being withPenny when I broke the rules to have her. But I don’t regret breaking therules. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You made a promise when you were 16 years old. You’reallowed to break it.”
“I know. I just…I need to be alone for a few minutes. You cantake the car back for Penny.”
“I’ll take a taxi.” He tossed the keys at me. “Call me if youneed anything, okay?”
I nodded and climbed out of the car. I knew he was right. I’dtold myself as much. But I just needed a minute to breathe.
Chapter 44
Saturday
I was sitting in the middle of all the portraits I’d paintedof Brooklyn. They used to make me feel close to her. But tonight, she’d neverfelt
