“No can do,” Tanner said with a laugh. “You’ll have to…takecare of it. Actually, I’m not sure that’s how it works. It might just remainlike that for about 4 hours. I didn’t read the label.”
“Four hours?! I can’t let Nigel see me like this!”
“Wait, who is Nigel?” Rob asked.
“My houseboy,” Tanner said.
“Houseboy? What the hell is that even?”
“Like a personal assistant with a bath fetish,” I said. “AndI’m not going home so he can see me like this.”
“Whoa, wait,” Rob said. “You’re living with Tanner? When thehell did this happen?”
“Cool your loins, Young Robert,” Tanner said. “Best friendsusually do live together.”
“Right, which is why he should be living with me,” Rob said.
I ignored them. “When I was worried about the hitwoman,Tanner offered to let me stay with him…”
“You could have stayed with me,” Rob said. “You know that.”
“It was just for a few nights. I’m moving out tomorrow.”
“Depending on Nigel’s schedule,” Tanner added. “Speaking ofwhich, he will be worried. Let’s get going.” He slapped me on the back like agood friend that hadn’t just given me a boner in front of all my other friends.
James started laughing harder. “In the handbook aboutinterventions I read, you’re supposed to hug at the end. Can we skip that partso Matt doesn’t try to sword fight us?”
“Shut up,” I mumbled. But I couldn’t help but laugh. This wastoo ridiculous not to. “And I’m good without a hug.”
“We can tell you’re good,” Mason said.
“Well, only as good as a Caldwell can get,” Rob said. Hepretended to cough. “Tiny dicks.” He coughed again.
“Yeah right, Rob,” Mason said. “Drink some juice and prove you’rebigger.”
“Fine.” Rob got up. “I will. Hunters for the win.”
But before he could grab the glass, Tanner dumped it into ahouseplant. “You won’t be wanting to drink that. There were a lot of pills inthere.”
“What the fuck?” I said. “Do I need to go to a hospital?”
“The houseplant is probably worse off than you are. You justneed some rest. We’ll see you tomorrow for guys’ night,” Tanner said, invitinghimself as usual. “Ciao.”
He put his arm around my shoulders to lead me out of thestudy.
I pushed him off. “Dude, don’t touch me when I have a boner.”
“It’s not a real boner. It’s a fake one.”
“It sure feels real to me.”
Tanner laughed. “Well, I hope you learned your lesson. Nexttime don’t drug someone.”
“Same advice to you, man.”
“You’ll be fine in no time. I’ll have Nigel whip you upsomething to alleviate that.”
“Don’t you dare tell Nigel I have a boner.” I heard more laughterand turned around.
James was standing there shaking his head. “Just for therecord, I wasn’t mad at you about my bachelor party. But we’re definitely evennow.”
“Good to know that this wasn’t necessary,” I groaned.
“See you tomorrow,” said James.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Scarlett ran into the foyer.
“Pumpkin, what are you doing out of bed?”
Scarlett slid to a stop. “I was thirsty.” Her eyes grewround. “What’s in Uncle Matt’s pants?”
“Um…” James started.
I cleared my throat. “It’s not…”
“It’s a snake,” Tanner said.
Scarlett screamed and ran out of the room.
James shook his head. “I’m going to go deal with that. Shehas a thing about snakes. Later, guys.”
Tanner opened up the door.
“I’m going to kill you,” I grumbled.
“Is it going to be a feeble attempt like when you tried toslap me at dinner? Good luck, Matt. You can’t touch me. And I did you a favor. Ifixed your relationship with your other, lesser friends.”
“I had already done that by apologizing.”
He shrugged. “Well, I’m sure this was the cherry on top forall of them.”
“Rob’s my best friend now,” I said.
Tanner laughed. “That’s just your boner talking.” He frowned.“Wow that sounded really gay.” He shook his head. “What a night, huh?”
Chapter 36
Thursday
Nigel stared at me as I held ice on my dick.
“Please stop looking at it,” I said.
“Then how else are we going to know if the swelling goesdown?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you.” Stop staring at my penis, Nigel.
“The hitwoman has been called off,” Tanner said. “So Matt issafe to move home. Could you coordinate the arrangements, Nigel?”
“I’ll have to check my calendar,” he said.
Tanner just stared at him.
“Would you like me to check it now, Master Tanner?”
“Yes.”
Nigel nodded. “Let me go get my planner.” He bowed and ranoff.
“Thanks for bringing it up to him,” I said.
“No problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have company.”
“Who?” I asked. There was no one else here.
There was a knock on the door.
“Here she is. Have fun with your ice. Maybe you should inviteKennedy over. If you do, knock on my door so I can meet her before she takescare of that for you.”
“I’m not inviting Kennedy over right now.” She’d never let melive this down. Plus she’d wonder why I was living in this weird apartment withTanner instead of at my own house. A whole restaurant already thought we weregay after that kiss. I didn’t want a fake relationship with Tanner to be in thetabloids next.
“Wow,” said a petite brunette as she walked into the kitchen.She ran her hand along the granite countertops. “This place is amazing. I woulddie to cook in this kitchen.”
“What would you make?” Tanner asked, resting his elbows onthe counter, staring at her.
“Hmm…” she said with a seductive smile. “Homemade whippedcream perhaps?”
“And what would you do with whipped cream when you havenothing to put it on?”
“I could think of a few things to put it on.”
Tanner pulled her close. “Is that so?”
She laughed.
I cleared my throat.
The girl screamed. “I didn’t realize anyone else was here.” Herface turned bright red.
“Ignore him,” Tanner said. “He was just retiring for the evening.Right, Matt?” He nodded toward the hall, trying to tell me to get lost, not at allsubtly.
It was for the best. I probably needed to be alone with mystupid raging boner. “Yup,” I said, making a mental note to not eat anythingthat ever touched that counter. Because they were 100% about to have sex inthis kitchen. “Night.”
“Night,” Tanner said to me and then looked back at his date. “Nowwhere were we?” He lifted her up on the counter.
Yup, that kitchen was
