“I thought I’d be able to tell you the truth without anything physical happening between us. I thought we’d spend some time together and then I’d explain my situation and deal with whatever happened in the aftermath. I’d break up with Madison as soon as I got home, and hopefully you’d be willing to talk to me again when you saw how serious I was about you. Maybe we’d be friends for a while before we became something bigger. We could start fresh.”
“Then why didn’t you do that?” I yell. “You seem to know exactly what you should have done, so what made you decide the better option was to drag me into a love triangle that I would never willingly choose to be a part of? You set us up to fail!”
Ryan steps back at my words. He swallows and sits down on one of the settees, leaning his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his hands. I have the horrifying instinct to comfort him but keep my feet planted to the ground.
He eventually lifts his head up, looking straight ahead and seeming torn apart.
“I thought I could do it,” he says quietly. “I thought I could be around you and keep my emotions in check, but I couldn’t. Being near you like that, staying in your apartment and seeing you every day, it felt like I was living out a fantasy that I’ve held on to for ten years, and I didn’t want it to end. I was afraid telling you the truth would ruin everything we started to build, but by not telling you, I didn’t just ruin it. I demolished it.”
I feel my lip starting to quiver and I look away as I swipe at a renegade tear. “You really are a great salesman. It’s almost like you believe everything you’re saying.”
“That’s because it’s true! For the past decade I’ve sworn that I was going to do things different from my parents. I didn’t want a relationship with crazy ups and downs. I was going to marry someone calm and steady and who didn’t expect or want some wild, over-the-top love story. I know that’s not what sells in your books but that’s what solid, stable families are built on.”
“If that’s the life you want then go for it! Don’t act like I’m the one who ruined your plans.”
“But you did!” he shouts, once again on his feet. “I had everything I thought I needed. I was with someone who wanted the same things as me, and after seeing you just once, I was ready to throw it all out the damn window. And the whole time, you didn’t even have the decency to tell me that you were going to be gone for six months.”
“Stop with the excuses! What are you looking to hear from me, Ryan? Yes, you’re right. Me not telling you about Italy after being unofficially back together with you for less than a week fully makes up for the fact that you have a fiancée. No worries, we’re even now.”
“It’s not about us being even. I’m trying to explain that you and I weren’t just messing around before I went off and got married. From the second I walked into your apartment there was only ever going to be you for me. I was never going back to Madison. I was never going to love or want anyone but you. You mean the world to me and I would give up everything in a heartbeat if it meant that we could be together.”
“Right. You’d give up everything except for the truth.” Ryan stays quiet as I go on, “Well, you don’t have to worry about lying anymore because we’re over. I had a good life without you for ten years and I’ll have a good life again after you leave.” I feel like my throat is closing. My eyes fill with tears and I let them fall.
Ryan growls in frustration and moves his hands to cup my cheeks. “What do I have to do to convince you that I want to be with you?”
“Nothing,” I say, pushing his hands off me. “It’s just like you said, our relationship is what I write about in my books. Up and down and falling in and out of love. Everything that happened between us was fiction. None of it was real.”
“Stop! It is real!”
“No, it’s not,” I say. “And you know what? It’s totally fine because I was faking everything, too. I just needed you for an extra boost so I could finish my book. Why else would I have invited you to stay at my apartment?”
“I don’t believe that.” The tremor in his voice tells me just how much he does believe it. “And even if it’s true, I don’t care.”
“It is true. I used you and you used me. We can both walk away with a clear conscience.”
“No!” Ryan yells. “I know this—what we have is real. You have to listen to me.” He grabs me by my shoulders, nearly shaking me. He sounds crushed. Everything about him is begging me to accept that this is somehow all okay. “I love you.”
He loves me. Ten minutes ago, those words would have filled me to the brim with happiness. All they do now is drive home how selfish he is to say them to me in this moment. He’s giving me everything I dreamed of now that it’s impossible for me to keep it.
“How can you say you love me when you put me in this position? If I forgive you, I’m weak and a home-wrecker—if I don’t, I’m stubborn and spiteful. I lose either way and you’ve somehow made it my fault.”
I move back again but Ryan only follows, matching me step for step.
“Kara, I know I handled everything the wrong way but please don’t punish me for having a past.
