My eyes fill up with tears. I hate that I let what happened with Ryan affect the other relationships in my life. I want to get over it. I want to move on but I can’t. I want to forget but I won’t.
“I’m sorry,” I say brokenly. “I know I’m a terrible person, but I still can’t believe what happened. I was the other woman, Maggie. That’s all I am and that’s all I was to him and I got exactly what I deserved.”
“Kara.” Maggie’s voice is troubled but firm. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. That’s not what you are and there’s no way that’s what you were to him.”
“That’s what I feel like.” I try to gather my thoughts, but everything gets lost in a teary haze. “I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew he was never supposed to be mine, but I didn’t care because I loved him so much. I still love him so much. I keep disappointing my dad over and over again and this is my punishment.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m the reason my dad is dead! I fought with him and maybe he wasn’t looking and if it wasn’t for me, he might still be here. And even after all that, I went back to Ryan again and I want to go back to him now. I betrayed my dad twice over and I’m still betraying him to this day.”
“Kara, stop!” Maggie’s voice holds so much weight that it seems like the only real thing in the world. I cling to the phone like a lifeline.
“You need to listen to me,” she says. “What happened to your dad was not your fault. He wasn’t chasing you and Ryan into the road and he wasn’t thinking of you and walking into traffic. He was crossing the street and an old man hit him. It was a horrible accident and nothing else.”
I keep the phone pinned to my ear and cover my eyes with my free hand. Tears spill down my cheeks. My face feels so hot and red that I think I might burst.
“You have to let your guilt go now. When you think about your dad, not about how he was the last time you saw him, but how he always was, do you think this is what he would want for you? Do you think he would want you emotionally mutilating yourself because in your mind, you let him down? Is that how you want to honor him?”
“No,” I say, mewing like a child as I keep wiping away tears.
“You never have to forget him, you just have to release the pieces that hurt. Love is the part of him you get to keep.”
I let my tears roll and roll until they start to slow, tapering off one by one. My eyes sting and my throat feels hoarse and Maggie waits with me all the while.
“Did you just do music therapy on me without the music?” I eventually ask.
I catch a little laugh from her end of the phone and it’s the sweetest sound I’ve heard in a long time.
“You’re right,” I tell her. “I’ve been an awful friend. You’ve always been there for me, always, and I bailed on you. I’m so sorry and I understand if you hate me.”
I wish she was here. I wish I could look her in the eyes and tell her how wretched and unworthy of her friendship I am. Needing to move, I get up from the couch and pace the room.
“I don’t hate you,” she says. “I’m partially to blame. I should have told you how I felt sooner instead of bottling it up and exploding.”
“If you give me the chance, I swear I’ll make it up to you.”
“Of course I’ll give you the chance. Nobody’s perfect, least of all me.” She waits a few seconds before going on. “I’m sorry I was harsh with you. It’s okay that you’re still hurting. I’m sure Ryan is, too.”
I try to think of him for a second but I’m too exhausted. “I doubt it,” I say. “For all we know, he could be married by now.”
“I think we both know that he’s not.” I lean my forehead on the living room wall as Maggie pauses. “Maybe you should call him.”
No. No. No. No. No.
“I can’t. Too much has happened.”
“You can’t call him because you don’t want to, or you can’t call him because you’re afraid?”
I think about lying but I know there’s no point.
“Both,” I say, closing my eyes. “Please don’t ask me any more questions about him. I’d much rather hear about you. Which hospital is Grandma Noreen staying in? I’ll tell Jen to have Denny reach out to make sure she’s getting the best treatment. Or maybe he knows someone who works in the hospital. Also, what’s the address? I’m going to send Noreen a care package. And you. And your sister. Every day. Forever.”
“All right, relax, gift lady. Grandma is in a great hospital and is being treated like the queen that she is. I think her doctor has a crush on Hannah. She won’t admit it yet, but I know she likes him, too.”
“Well, that’s good, right?”
“Sure. He’s nice and young. And if it helps get Grandma extra attention, I’m all about pimping Hannah out. Teamwork makes the dream work.”
“Yes, it does,” I say through a small smile. “Thank you for forgiving me.”
“You’d do the same for me in a second. I love you, you emotional hermit.”
“I love you more.”
“Can I ask you one more thing, though? And then we won’t talk about that topic any more today.”
“What is it?” I ask hesitantly.
“If the roles were reversed, if you were with someone you weren’t in
