“Liar.”
Liam continues to regard me in that problem-solver way of his. “So just to clarify,” he goes on, “because he didn’t make magical eye contact with you in a highly dense and somewhat chaotic intersection during rush hour...you believe that was the universe saying you shouldn’t be together?”
“It was an emotionally trying moment and I needed a tie-breaker.”
“Wow. You’re worse off than I originally thought.”
“Let’s not throw stones, okay?” I rub my tired eyes with the tips of my fingers and tuck my hair behind my ears. “I don’t know. Part of me wishes he never came. Then things could have gone on as they were.”
“Right. And you could have felt vindicated as you mucked off into your lonely existence. Trust me, I speak from personal experience when I tell you it’s not as appealing as you think.”
“I just want things to be over, one way or another.”
“They can be,” Liam says simply. “Forgive him.”
I pause and take a breath. “I don’t know if I can.”
“That’s fine, too. Toss the journal and carry on without him.”
The thoughts of letting Ryan go or forgiving him seem equally impossible. My face must reflect my emotions, prompting Liam to go on, “Listen, Ryan is either a liar who showed his true colors, or he’s a good person who made a mistake. Whether you chose to work through this with him or not, you’re taking a risk. You just have to decide if the risk is worth the reward.”
“Ugh,” I groan, tilting my head up towards the ceiling before looking at him again. “What would you do?”
“I’m not going to answer that. I’ve already messed up my own life beyond repair. I don’t need the fate of your future resting on my conscience as well.”
I give him an unappreciative but understanding nod. “Fair enough.”
“I will, however, offer you a small bit of advice if you swear you won’t hold it against me.”
“I swear.”
Liam leans forward and clasps his hands together. “When making an important decision, I find it’s useful to think about the life that you want to have. Sit and visualize it, and ask yourself if the choice you’re about to make will help you or hinder you in getting to where you ultimately want to go.” I think he’s about to go on when he sits back again. “That’s it. If you require any further assistance, I’ll have to charge a modest fee.”
I chuckle and stretch out my legs, placing my slippered feet down onto the floor. “I can’t really afford unnecessary spending at this point, but I appreciate your words of wisdom.”
Liam pushes his palms against his knees and stands. “Well then, seeing as this will most likely be a day of reflection for you, I suppose I’ll get going. Will we be back to business as usual tomorrow?”
“That we shall.”
“Excellent. Until tomorrow.” With that, he walks out of the room and disappears into the hallway. A few seconds pass and I still don’t hear the apartment door open or close. I get up to investigate when Liam reappears back in the living room doorway.
“Sorry, before I go, can I make one small request?”
“Sure.”
“If you do fill in the journal and you include your time in Italy, can the literary version of me be a bit more muscular and have a tan? I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a tan.”
I smile as Liam turns and leaves without another word. The apartment door closes shortly thereafter and without meaning to, I move to the coffee table and pick up the journal. I also bring my hand to the outside of my pajama pants pocket, where Ryan’s letters are safely tucked away.
A few minutes later, I’m sitting at my dining room table with the journal open to the first blank page. I have no idea what to write or if I’m going to write at all. Maybe I’ll fill it cover to cover and keep it for myself. Maybe I’ll throw it away. Maybe I’ll hold it tight to my chest as I take a direct flight to North Carolina.
No matter the content, I have to write something. I can’t keep going on the way I am. Here in Italy, I’m in this beautiful limbo. I’m living but I’m not. I’m growing but I’m stunted.
I close the book and look at the picture on the cover. Ryan took it the morning of the rehearsal dinner when we had just finished up with breakfast. We’re in our pajamas, laughing in pain and nearly falling off the couch as Duke scrambles between us, his paws digging into our stomachs.
I run my fingertip along the surface of the photo.
This isn’t what the cover of a romance novel should look like. It isn’t passionate or dramatic. It doesn’t show off a scantily dressed hero and heroine, embracing each other with a lush backdrop. It’s less. It’s more.
I close my eyes and think back to Liam’s advice. I do what he says. I try to clear my head and imagine the life that I want. It’s not easy, my mind is a jumbled place with endless chatter, but I somehow manage to find quiet. Calm. I picture my life five years from now, envisioning the highest and truest version of myself, living a life built on contentment from the ground up.
I see myself and who’s there with me and my eyes snap open as I look down. As unprepared as I am to admit it, the life that I want is a mirror image of the photo staring up at me. Terrified acceptance fills my consciousness and for some reason, in that moment, memories of my dad flood my mind and heart.
I wonder what he would say if he was here, what he would want me to do. I think of him smiling. I think of him hugging me. I hear his voice saying he loves me and that he’s not far away. He tells me he wants me to be happy.
