Perhaps that was what felt biggest of all—having found Mam unrotted. She was smaller and quieter and better than before. She was clean. She was stable. She was earning money and stocking her cupboards. It was what had happened for me when I had found out I was pregnant with Molly, except it had happened in reverse. I had built myself up because Molly had arrived. Mam had done it because I had left.
Crouching was making my legs prickle, so I closed the fridge door, sat down, leaned forward, and rested my forehead against the cool plastic. I was full to the ends of my fingers with echoes of what she had said. So it was her. What does it matter? I’d like to be twenty-five, like you. I didn’t do nothing. I tried to do something. I could work out what she meant, and the horror was strong, but other things were stronger—like the tremor of anger that ran through me when I thought of people spitting at her in the street, and the burr of warmth that came from knowing she remembered how old I was.
Chrissie
When I saw Mam on Saturday I thought she must be ill. I was sitting on the doormat in the hallway, tying my shoelaces in the knots that never came undone, and she walked out of the lounge. I hadn’t known she was there. Her cheeks were very pink and her eyes were very shiny, and she was twisting her mouth in a very odd shape. I stood up.
“Hello,” she said. She came and stood next to me. I thought perhaps she wanted to hug me but couldn’t make herself do it. She patted my shoulder instead. Up close, she smelled darkly of women, of blood and meat and toilets. I breathed through my mouth so it didn’t get inside me.
“Are you ill?” I asked.
“No,” she said.
“You don’t have gout?” I asked.
“Why would I have gout?”
“Don’t know. Mrs. Bunty’s husband has it.”
“I’m fine. Are you going out to play?” I nodded, still with my nose blocked. “Who’ll you play with?”
“Linda,” I said.
“Ah. Yes. Linda. Lovely,” she said. She didn’t even really know who Linda was. She took a tube of Smarties out from behind her back. “I got these for you. For you to eat. While you play.”
I reached out. She let me take the tube. It was smooth in my hand.
“All right,” I said. I went to open the door but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back, holding so tight I felt fingerprint bruises rise on my skin.
“I bought them sweeties for you, all right? Had to use my own money to buy them, and I only bought them for you. So don’t you go sharing them with any other kids. All right?”
I shook my head to say I wouldn’t, and I was telling the truth, because I hadn’t even thought about sharing them with any other kids. She bent down and kissed my cheek, quick and rough. Her lips were like tree bark against my skin.
“You eat them all yourself. Eat them all up,” she said.
“I will,” I said. She put her hand on my head, closed her eyes, and muttered, “Father, protect me. God, keep me safe.” I wanted to look at her properly, to check she was really Mam and not a different woman dressed up as Mam, but as soon as she finished praying she went into the kitchen and shut the door. I left with my fingers on my cheek in the place she had kissed.
I knocked for Linda and we walked up the hill to the playground, the Smarties rattling against my leg.
“What’s that noise?” asked Linda.
“Not telling,” I said. I turned the sugar shell of the secret over on my tongue.
William and Richard and Paula were already at the playground. William and Richard were throwing stones at a tree and Paula was eating grass.
“Look what Mam gave me this morning,” I said, showing them the cardboard tube. Richard made a tsk-ing noise.
“That’s not special. My mammy gives me them all the time. Gives me loads of sweets.” I knew that was true because he was fat, but I still kicked his ankle. He laughed and wobbled off to the roundabout, which made a screaming sound when he jumped on.
“Give us one,” said William. He held out his hand and Paula copied.
“Do you want one?” I asked Linda. She nodded and held her hand out too. I looked at the little line of hands, two big, one small, and at the three excited faces. “Well, you’re not getting any,” I said. I ran off to sit by the railings. I knew they would follow.
“That’s not fair!” said William when he caught me up. He kicked the gate. “I
