She was smart, beautiful and confident, and she seemed so different to Beth, his school sweetheart who had decided to stay at home and apply for local office jobs rather than go to uni. She’d been a sweet girl but she had no ambition at all, a stark contrast to Pete who couldn’t wait to go out into the world and make his mark. Their relationship was pretty much doomed from the minute he kissed her goodbye, jumped into his battered Vauxhall Corsa and hit the M1, en route to his new life. Pete wasn’t close to his family: his brother was a cocky little shit and his mum, who had raised them both on her own, acted like it was all his fault that their father had left them when he barely even remembered the arsehole. He couldn’t wait to get away from them and university was his escape route – his chance of a better life. He only went home at Christmas to break up with Beth. Poor Beth, who had been so loyal and patient during that first term, was heartbroken when he told her that it wasn’t going to work, but he’d had no regrets. Now he had no ties to that godforsaken town anymore, no reason to go back at all.
Pete was a man of principles so there was no going near Kate until he was single. After he’d dumped Beth, he couldn’t wait to get back to Leeds to see Kate again. She was ambitious and intelligent, a straight A student who liked to work hard and party even harder. One minute she’d be downing shots in the student bar and the next she’d be in the library with a latte, nose in her books, studying hard. She could finish a cryptic crossword while balancing a cigarette in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other. He was in awe of her.
When they first got together, he couldn’t believe how lucky he was. They just clicked from the start, there was no drama, jealousy or stress. While his mates’ girlfriends threw their toys out of the pram if they went out late or didn’t call, Kate couldn’t give a hoot because she was out having fun herself. When girls paid him attention it was of no concern to Kate because boys did the same to her and they both trusted each other.
Then the university bubble burst and they found themselves in the real world. People warned him that there might be some bumps in the road ahead but there really weren’t. There was never any doubt that they’d move to London to pursue their careers but they agreed to live apart at first and enjoy the experience of sharing flats with their friends before they settled down. They had plenty of time, they both agreed. He felt so fortunate to have her, this vivacious girl who gave him the space he needed so that he never felt trapped yet was always there to come home to. They both did pretty well in their careers, they made friends – some their own and some joint – went on fun holidays and life was good.
So of course they did what they were supposed to do. The minute they hit thirty, he bought the ring, got down on one knee on a romantic trip to Rome and they set the date for the wedding. Within a year of returning from their honeymoon she was pregnant. They were both excited to start a family although, if he was being honest, she had been more into it than him. The thought of babies and nappies made him feel panicky. While her bump grew and she blossomed, he wondered how he would feel when the baby was born and worried about whether he would love it. What kind of person worries that they won’t love their own kid? he’d thought. He was relieved when he met a bunch of dads at the local antenatal classes that Kate had signed them up to and it turned out that plenty of people worried about it.
Still, nothing could prepare him for parenthood. All of a sudden the life that he had always known, and was rather partial to, was turned completely upside down. Gone were the late nights drinking wine and putting the world to rights, long lie-ins and lazy Sundays in the pub. Instead, their life became consumed by sleepless nights, colicky babies, dirty nappies and the constant fear that this was their life forever more. He loved Lily, he really loved her, but he didn’t really like her all that much to begin with. To be fair, what was to like? She cried constantly, was too young to interact with him, and the only thing that made her happy was being attached to Kate’s breasts.
But the biggest change was in Kate. All of a sudden, the confident and capable woman that he had loved for over a decade was replaced by someone he could only describe as a nervous wreck. It’s fair to say that motherhood did not come naturally to Kate. She transformed almost overnight into someone who was constantly anxious and tearful, scared to even leave the house sometimes. After a while the tears were replaced by resentment towards the world, and him, but he could never work out why. He knew motherhood was hard but he struggled to understand why she
