‘I really don’t know,’ he admitted to Dan. ‘It was never meant to come to this. I’ve literally never cheated on Kate before. When it happened, I thought it was a one-off but then it just kept happening and before I knew it, I was really into her.’
‘Do you feel guilty? About Kate and the kids?’
‘Of course I bloody do. Especially with the kids. With Kate it’s really complicated. I do feel guilty but I also feel like she’s partly to blame. The way she is with me, she’s really off, mate. It’s like all she cares about is maintaining this image of the perfect life; she’s obsessed with people thinking that we’re this happy family but she doesn’t seem to care what actually happens on the inside. And we’ve really drifted apart. She’s not the person I met, or the person I married.’
‘What about marriage counselling?’ Dan asked.
‘For marriage counselling we’d have to admit our marriage is in trouble and we haven’t even done that,’ Pete replied. ‘It’s like we’re both in denial and we don’t want to rock the sinking boat. I thought this was just what life was like when you settled down and had kids but now I’m not sure. What about you and Laura?’
Dan considered the question carefully. ‘It’s hard, having young children. You’re so busy running around all day that it’s easy to forget to look after yourselves. Most evenings we’re so exhausted we collapse into bed soon after the kids. And arranging to go out together, just the two of us, is like planning a military operation. But if you’re asking if I’m happy then the answer is yes. Do I still love Laura? Definitely yes.’
‘That’s the thing,’ Pete replied. ‘I’m not happy and I can’t really remember the last time that I was. I’ve just been so tired of life, of everything, for so long and then when Claire came along I suddenly felt like myself again.’
‘I get it, Pete, I do. Marriage is hard. Raising a family is relentless and exhausting. Sure there have been times when I’ve wanted to run away from it all and become a scuba diving instructor in Thailand.’ They both grinned in acknowledgement at the fantasy. ‘But at the end of the day, you’re in it together with your partner, you’re a team. And if that team isn’t working anymore, then you need to look at why. Either way, you have to face reality, Pete, you can’t go on like this forever.’
Pete sighed heavily. ‘It’s not as simple as that though, is it. The decision isn’t between two women, it’s between two life choices. And there’s the kids to think of.’
‘Yes, but the kids aren’t going to be happy if their parents are unhappy. You need to confront this situation head-on. You either fight for your marriage, work hard to fix it and find happiness again, or you walk away and make a clean break. I know people stay together for the kids but personally I think that’s a bad idea. Kids aren’t stupid, they can sense when things aren’t right.’
It was all starting to feel a bit too real now. The buzz of confessing his secret had worn off and now he was regretting telling Dan. He wasn’t ready to confront all of this yet. Of course it was playing on his mind, forever lurking in the background, but he was pretty good at shoving it into a dark corner and ignoring it. He wanted to live in his little bubble of denial for a bit longer. Was he trying to have his cake and eat it? Probably, but bloody hell he was having a good time. And he deserved a good time.
‘Look, Dan, I totally get everything that you’re saying,’ he told his friend. ‘And believe me I know that this situation is less than ideal. I’m going to sort it, I promise.’
He quickly moved the conversation on to a drama at work and Dan happily took the bait, probably as relieved as he was to get off the topic. They didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. But by telling him, he had a feeling that something had changed. He had opened the can of worms. It wasn’t a secret anymore and now he was, in some way, accountable for his actions.
9
Kate
Pete, what the hell? It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from you. At least let me know where you are. You can’t just vanish like this, it’s really unfair. I have no idea what to say to the girls. Lily is asking after you all the time, she keeps wanting to FaceTime you and I’m running out of excuses. Maybe you don’t love me anymore but surely you still love them? If you get this email please at least do me the courtesy of responding. Kate.
The train pulled into Farringdon Station and Kate stepped off and made her way up the stairs to the street. Looking around her she felt that instant rush of excitement at being in the hustle and bustle of central London. God, she loved this city. It had been so long since she’d been in town, she’d forgotten what it felt like to be surrounded by hundreds of people, dashing this way and that way to offices, meetings, coffee shops and restaurants. She spent pretty much all day and every day trapped in suburbia, where the highlight of the day was a trip to the park.
It had been ten days since Pete had vanished and Dan had agreed to meet her. She’d spent the last few days contacting his friends to ask them if he’d been in touch. Some had simply replied to say he hadn’t, not interested in prying further, others had called her to ask what was going on. They’d all been shocked to hear what had happened and she believed
