She seemed a bit placated by that and he added, ‘Look, Claire, it’s for the girls, all right?’
She nodded reluctantly but still looked annoyed. Although she didn’t mention it again until the end of the evening, it was obvious that it was on her mind but he’d played the ‘children’ card and she knew that she couldn’t challenge him on that. When he was leaving, she wrapped her arms around him and whispered into his ear, ‘You’d better not come back and tell me that you’re in love with your wife after all.’
He squeezed her tight. ‘It won’t happen, I promise.’
On the way home he contemplated the ridiculous situation he had managed to get himself into. How had he ended up here? The rollercoaster ride that had thrilled him so much to begin with was now scaring him – it was too fast, too unstoppable. Not that he didn’t love Claire, he did, but everything else was terrifying. He was leaving the woman he’d been with for over fifteen years, leaving his children, his job, his friends and his life. And did he even want to move to France or was he just doing it to please her? He’d thought he was on board, he really had, but now he wasn’t sure again. It was like a constant conveyor belt of emotions, one after another, and it was starting to overwhelm him. He thought he’d felt suffocated before in his marriage but now he found there were times when the anxiety over what he was planning to do overwhelmed him so much that he struggled to catch his breath. When he was with Claire it was okay because her excitement was infectious but the minute he left her the doubts started coming back, thick and fast. Was he getting this all wrong? Had he fucked up completely? What had seemed like something so far away in his future to worry about was now just weeks away and he couldn’t push it to the back of his mind anymore.
On Friday, his last day at work before the holiday, Dan cornered him on his way out of the office to get a sandwich. ‘Have you told her yet?’ he asked.
‘No,’ he admitted. ‘We’re going away tomorrow and it’ll be our last family holiday together. I want the kids to enjoy it and to have fond memories of it. Then as soon as we’re back, I’m going to tell her.’ It wasn’t true, but Dan didn’t need to know that.
‘Well, have a good holiday,’ Dan said as he slapped him on the back. ‘Rather you than me, mate.’
He got home to chaos. The girls were so excited about the forthcoming trip that they were running around like tiny little maniacs, squealing, shrieking and jumping up and down on the sofa while Kate dashed around trying to pack for them all. She looked at Pete and smiled. ‘It’ll be worth it when we get there.’
He was dreading the trip. When they’d booked it a few months back he’d been enthused by the prospect, keen on the idea of a make-or-break holiday to help sort his head out. But since then so much had changed. Now he was going away with a woman who he no longer loved but still didn’t take any joy in hurting, pretending everything was fine, while the woman he did love was at home, pissed off with him. Going to the fridge and helping himself to a drink, he resolved to simply keep his head down and get through the week without any drama.
It was easier than he’d thought it would be in the end. After all, he’d been lying to his family for months, what was another week? The girls had a blast, playing in the pool most of the day, napping during the early afternoon heat, and making new friends. He and Kate both focused on the children’s enjoyment, being friendly to each other and looking to outsiders like a perfectly happy, harmonious couple while on the inside the void still remained, which was just like it had been for as long as he could remember. A couple of times, when they were sitting outside the hotel bar with a cool drink and the children were off running around the gardens with their new pals, he wondered if she’d ever bring up the state of their relationship. Did she even want to fix it? Or was she simply happy in this permanent state of denial? Had she resigned herself to a life of survival rather than enjoyment? She never said a word and he certainly wasn’t going to mention it now.
They went to bed not long after the children did most nights. Pete told Kate that he was exhausted from all the sun and swimming and she didn’t question it, she was tired too. The days of hiding in the hotel bathroom sharing a bottle of wine while the children slept in the bedroom were long gone.
It was a pleasant enough family holiday – not the life-changing one he’d had in mind when they’d booked it, but not a complete disaster either. He came back feeling just as confused as ever. It confirmed his feeling that their marriage was over, they had simply fallen out of love and run out of things to say to each other. He didn’t think they could get that back. But he still battled with the enormity of what he was planning to do in just a couple of weeks and the effect that it would have on his family.
There was another option on the table, he thought, a more honest and civil break-up where he stuck around to deal with the fallout and handled it all properly, which might help him sleep better at night. But Claire, amazing, beautiful Claire, would never
