‘Of course I couldn’t get it up, I was afraid of rejection. From my own wife. Because you look at me with such contempt I feel like a failure, all the bloody time.’
‘You feel like a failure? What about me, Pete? I already know I’m a terrible mother and now I’m being told I’m a terrible wife too – no, even worse, I’m a cold fish.’
Here we go again with the I’m a terrible mum card. She’d pulled this one out so many times over the years that he’d grown tired of it. She was pathetic. ‘Why do you think that is, Kate? Maybe it’s because you have a nanny looking after our children every day while you sit around staring into space or shopping for lampshades. Perhaps if you spent more time with them you’d be a better mother.’
He would never forget the look on her face, as long as he lived. Immediately he knew he’d gone too far. ‘Look, Kate, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You’re a brilliant mother, the children absolutely adore you. You just need to let this whole issue go and move on. It’s all in your head, that’s all. No one else thinks it.’
‘Apart from you, clearly.’
They were getting nowhere and he was starting to calm down again now. This argument had cleared his head and he knew more than ever that he had to get away from this house, from Kate, once and for all. He had already calculated that he was going to miss the Eurostar but he could easily catch one later that morning and meet Claire in Paris. Had he decided, then? Was that what he was going to do? He thought again about being alone in a holiday cottage by the beach, just him and his thoughts. He had a couple of weeks before he started his new job and, in any case, he could work remotely, wherever he was. Maybe he could go fishing, he used to love that and he hadn’t done it for years. Perhaps it was finally time to put himself first, before either woman. He’d had a mad, crazy few months, he was on the verge of losing it and he needed some time to just calm the fuck down. But then he thought again about Claire, about the life they had planned, and his heart ached.
‘Look, we clearly have a lot to say to each other, a lot of things that we probably should have said a long time ago. Maybe if we had, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I think I should go now, give us both time to cool down, and we’ll talk again.’
‘Go where, Pete? Where are you going to go?’
They looked at each other but she knew the answer before he’d even spoken. Perhaps she even knew a few seconds before he did. Defeated, she turned away from him and walked back down the stairs. He took a minute to compose himself before following behind her, eyeing his holdall which was still on the floor by the front door. All he had to do now was pick it up, open the door and leave.
Just as he reached the bottom of the stairs he heard her speak. ‘Is she a good fuck, Pete, is that it?’
Oh, for God’s sake, can’t she just let it go now? This is getting ridiculous. All he wanted to do was to end this conversation and get out. But before he could stop himself, he swung around to face her. ‘Yes, she’s a great fuck. She’s the best sex I ever had. Literally ever. Which is quite refreshing after being married to a cold-hearted, uncaring, frigid bitch like you for so long.’
Kate looked at him with such hurt and shock that he almost reached out to comfort her, to tell her that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. But before he could, her expression was quickly replaced by contempt. ‘I’m sorry that I’ve been such a disappointment to you for all these years, Pete. Well, I’m delighted for you. Clearly you’ve successfully traded me in for a new model with no previous history. Although does she know that you come with some baggage? She might not be so keen to look after two children. That’s assuming that you still want to be a part of their lives now you’re living the dream?’
‘You know what? She can’t wait to meet the girls – she’s really looking forward to getting to know them and spending time with them. She wants to be a big part of their lives. I think she’ll make a brilliant mum, the girls are going to absolutely adore her. She has so much love to give and she’s already planning for them to come out and spend the holidays with us. So you’ll get what you want in the end, Kate. You’ll get to be all alone and miserable, wallowing in your perfect, pristine house without any of us around to spoil it for you.’
And with that he leaned down to pick up his holdall and hoist it onto his shoulder. He knew he’d been a bastard but he no longer cared. France was calling and he could almost taste the wine and cheese he’d be eating in Paris in a few hours. He’d call Claire on the way to the bus stop and tell her that he’d missed the train but that he’d catch the next available one. Perhaps she’d even wait for him at St Pancras so that they could travel together. He pictured her beautiful, smiling face, greeting him at the exit to the underground station, clutching a coffee for him and opening up her arms to him. He felt a rush of pleasure at the image, which would be a reality in less than an hour’s time.
Yes, he thought, yes, I’ve finally made my decision once and for all. And then everything went black.
27
Kate
She hadn’t meant to kill him.
