It took me ten minutes to get to The Gate. The car park was busy, but I spotted Joe’s pickup parked down a side street.
I weaved my way through the cars and the beer garden to the pub. Once inside, I scanned the room, but there was no sign of them, so I made my way to the lounge bar, only to find that they weren’t in there, either.
I stepped back outside and checked out the garden again. Happy families smiling and laughing in the sunshine. But still no sign of Amy and Joe.
I was just considering giving up when I heard a woman’s voice – Amy’s voice – say, ‘Of course I can change, Joe. Anyone can change if they really want to.’
I moved to the edge of the building, towards the direction the sound was coming from, and peered around the corner. They were seated side by side on the ground, their backs to the wall. Joe was smoking a cigarette, which surprised me. I had never once seen him smoke.
I ducked back out of sight and waited to find out if they had spotted me, but they simply continued to talk. Though I was out of sight, I could hear every word. I could even hear the sound of Joe taking a drag on his cigarette.
I almost walked away at that point. Listening in seemed unreasonable, and I had no idea what I wanted to say to them anyway. But then I heard Amy say, ‘Look, I know I’ve been stupid, Joe. I know I’ve fucked up big time. And I’m admitting it all. That’s got to count for something, hasn’t it?’
I suddenly couldn’t leave until I’d heard Joe’s reply.
‘Sure,’ Joe said. ‘Of course it does.’
‘We’re a family, Joe,’ Amy said. ‘We have a son. Surely you don’t want to destroy that?’
‘Me destroy it?’ he said. ‘Jesus, Amy.’
‘No, no, that’s not what I mean,’ she said, sounding manic, sounding excited almost. ‘I know it’s all my fault. I’ve said that. I’ve admitted it. But I’ve come to my senses, Joe. I see everything clearly now, and I love you. You know I do. I want my family back, Joe. I want you back.’
I started to cry at that point – silent tears streaming down my cheeks. I fumbled in my pocket for a tissue.
‘I get that, Amy,’ Joe said. ‘I do.’
‘And don’t tell me you don’t love me,’ Amy said. ‘Because if you do, I won’t believe you. I know you love me, Joe.’
‘I . . .’ Joe said.
‘I’ve been hell to live with, Joe, I get that,’ Amy said. ‘It’s . . . it’s . . . like, almost a kind of mental illness with me. But I’ll heal. I promise you, I’ll sort myself out this time. I’ll get some therapy. I’ll get proper therapy, too, not the new-age stuff you hate. I’ll be better this time around. We can make this work, I know we can.’
‘Yeah . . .’ Joe said. ‘I hear you . . .’
‘Please, Joe,’ Amy said. ‘Just say yes. You have to say yes. For me, for us, for Ben.’
There was a pause then – a long few seconds during which I held my breath.
‘Amy, I love you,’ Joe said finally. ‘I do.’
‘Oh, thank God,’ Amy said, and I heard her kiss him.
A fresh round of tears started to cascade down my cheeks. I steadied myself with one hand against the wall.
‘I love you,’ Joe said. ‘I always have, and I always will, Ame.’
I remembered the song he’d written for her then, and understood that I’d been right. I’d been dreaming to think that there was some kind of magic between Joe and me. Of course I had! Just the idea that someone as ordinary as myself could snag a man like Joe – even the idea seemed absurd. I felt worthless and idiotic for ever having imagined otherwise.
I turned to leave, but just as I did so, Joe spoke again.
‘It’s just too late, Amy,’ he said. ‘That’s the thing. It’s done. That’s what you’re not getting.’
I gasped and leaned back against the wall for support.
‘What do you mean, it’s too late? What does that even mean?’ Amy asked.
‘It means there was a time,’ Joe explained calmly, ‘when I would have said yes. But not now. Not any more.’
‘But why not?’ Amy asked. ‘I mean, you say you love me, so why not? I don’t get it. Why not let yourself be happy?’
‘But I am happy,’ Joe said. ‘That’s the thing.’
‘You’re happy,’ Amy repeated flatly. Then, ‘How can you be happy, Joe?’
‘I don’t know, but I am.’
‘And when did it suddenly become too late, anyway? You don’t spend fifteen years with someone and decide overnight that it’s too late to save the relationship. That doesn’t make any sense.’
‘Only it does to me.’
‘But since when, Joe? Explain it to me.’
‘Since I realised that I don’t want all that drama in my life any more.’
‘Drama,’ Amy repeated.
‘Yes, drama. It was hell living with you, Ame. And I didn’t realise it for ages. But since I moved out, I see it all much more clearly.’
‘Since you started living alone, you mean? You seriously want me to believe that you’re happier alone than when we were a family?’
‘No, since I moved in with Heather,’ he said.
‘With Heather?’ Amy repeated.
‘Yes. I think I’m falling in love with her, actually.’
‘With Heather?’ Amy said again.
‘Yeah. She’s the person I want to be with,’ Joe said. ‘I’m sorry, but . . . I don’t know what to say. That’s just the way it is. It’s a surprise to me, too.’
‘You cannot be serious,’ Amy said, laughing bitterly.
‘She’s amazing,’ Joe said softly. ‘I know how . . . unassuming she seems, and everything. But she’s one of – no, actually, she’s the kindest soul I’ve ever met.’
Tears were still rolling down my cheeks and there was a physical pain in my heart as well. I wondered if I was going to maybe have a heart attack and die before I even got a chance at living this thing
