‘It’s okay,’ I say. Because I really do understand, but I also wish she could see how successful she is, the sort of success people like me still crave.
‘But you, you are doing a good job getting things organised, and I am happy here on the sidelines.’ Caitlin waves her hand again as if she were dismissing another problem. ‘Between the wedding and your little business, you must be quite run off your feet.’
The word little stings. But I try to ignore the way she belittles Space. I have worked on that venture for three years solid. Alone. Without any financial input. Will anything I ever do be good enough for Caitlin?
As I adjust myself in my seat, I feel the push of the skull keyring again.
‘I always think about Saxby, you know.’ The words are out of my mouth before I can really think about them. I know they will annoy her. Maybe, subconsciously, I want to hurt her back. ‘It doesn’t deserve to be sat there all alone with no one to love it. Not the way we did.’
‘It’s just a house, Sasha,’ Caitlin says as she raises her head in acknowledgement at a passer-by. ‘Bricks and mortar.’
‘That’s not what you told me when we were kids. You said the house was so much more than that, the way it could hold on to so many secrets. You said it had eyes and ears.’
‘Troy and Abel visit all the time with their girlfriends. It’s not abandoned.’
‘And you, do you want to get back and visit sometime soon? I could go with you. It’s not too late to change the reception venue, or you could even get married there. It’s absolutely heavenly, I just don’t know why—’
‘Because!’ Caitlin snaps and I sit back in my seat. She looks around the room before lowering her voice. ‘Because it’s not my home. It never was.’ She says the last words quietly then absently stirs her coffee again.
‘Then why keep it, why hang on to it?’ I ask.
Caitlin shakes her head, exasperated. ‘Oh, Sasha, you’re like a dog with a bone sometimes. So many questions.’ She gives me a hard stare.
Caitlin brings her concentration back to her coffee. And doesn’t say anything for a minute, and I know she won’t return to it.
‘So, these damn party favours,’ she says eventually. ‘You think dandelion dust or whatever it’s called, is better than a candle? You’re the expert in this field. As my bridesmaid. Honestly, where would I be without you?’ She lifts her cup and brings it to her lips. But behind the cup I can see the beginning of a smile I know is there. And although my heart is bursting with happiness, that, yes, Caitlin still wants me as her bridesmaid and my duties will resume immediately, I cannot help but feel that she is holding back so much; that there are deeper reasons why she won’t go back to Saxby. When we were young, Caitlin and I were renowned for thinking the same thing then belting it out without a thought, grabbing each other’s little fingers for a jinx. I have a strong sensation that this is one of those occasions. I can feel that energy fizzling between us, that our heads are filled with similar images and thoughts, but I know this time she won’t say it. She will keep it buried like the secret it was meant to be. But me, I almost let mine out once, I am not sure I’ll be able to hold it in for much longer.
8 Saxby House, Dorset, August 1988
It was Caitlin’s twelfth birthday weekend, and Mum had been cleaning the main house like mad all week, under the strict guidance of Ava. We had been living on the estate for just over four months, and Mum would often come home after a day’s cleaning, moaning about ‘that bloody woman’. But to Ava’s face, she managed to hold a smile, crack a joke and, more than that, even give a compliment. Today, I had been invited over for tea at the main house to help celebrate Caitlin’s special day. But not before a long, drawn-out conversation with Mum that almost made me late.
‘You’re making a nuisance of yourself, Sasha – it’s not normal, you spending so much time with them.’
‘But I was invited, Mum,’ I protested, and saw the look of sympathy in Dad’s eyes.
‘Phil?’ Mum looked anxiously at Dad for support.
‘If she’s been invited, Darcy, in the same way you think it’s not right her spending all that time with them, it would appear rude if she were to decline,’ Dad said. He flicked his eyes towards me with a slight twinkle. He turned and put his arm around Mum’s shoulder. ‘You mustn’t worry, Darcy. Sasha being with the Clemonte girl isn’t going to affect anything. Our jobs are secure.’
I watched Mum tighten her lips with her arms folded. I could almost hear her thinking. She took in a deep breath and let it out.
‘I think that means you’re free to go.’ Dad smiled and reached his hand out. I took it and he squeezed it. I didn’t see why I couldn’t spend time with people like the Clemontes, just because they had money and my parents worked for them. Mum’s unnecessary protesting only spurred me on more. The Clemonte family liked me and Caitlin was the only decent friend I had made since I moved here.
I skipped out of the door, blocking out Mum’s parting words.
‘It’s not right, Phil. People like us just don’t mix with them sort…’
When I arrived at the main house, I could smell Ava’s perfume lingering in the hallway and hear her voice, high and tight, coming from the floors above me. I could only imagine she was talking to Caitlin. I hovered in the hall and waited for Caitlin to arrive downstairs; a few minutes alone would give me time to calm my nerves.
